Alexander's Adoption Day

Yesterday was quite a day!  We have been telling Alexander about it for a while but I don't think he really understood what was going to happen.  The girls were excited about it though.  When Nathan picked them up from school to get ready for court, Hannah's teacher said she had been all smiles all day because she was excited about adopting her brother.  We thought that was pretty cool.

Like I said, we shared our court date with Nathan's sister, Sarah, and her family as they were adopting too.  So, we all met at the court building a little while before we were scheduled for court.  We had quite a croud there!  There were 5 of us (W was at a visit with his mom), Sarah and Chris have 7, Nathan's other sister Christy and her family had 4, both of our parents made 4 more, then there were 5 DCS related people we had invited.  So I guess that adds up to about 25 of us!  It was great to have everyone there. 

Sarah's family used the same lawyer as we did, so that was how we got to share the court date.  She came out and went over a couple of things and made sure we didn't have any questions.  Then we all filed into the court room.  As we were walking in, I was hit with emotion.  I was thinking great, I knew I was going to cry, but I don't want to start already!  I kept myself together though and we sat down to wait on the judge.  She had gotten on a call and was running a few minutes late. 

Finally the judge made it and things began.  Sarah's family went first with their adoption of Torry.  Torry is almost the same age as Alexander.  He is a super sweet little boy.  He doesn't talk right now, but he was voicing his approval pretty much the whole time.  It was pretty sweet.  Chris and Sarah agreed that they wanted Torry to be a part of their family forever and the judge granted their adoption. 

Then it was our turn.

We all stood up in the center of the room, which I was really glad the girls were able to come up too.  The judge had us raise our right hand and be sworn in.  I didn't see it at the time, but after I looked at the pictures, Addison was raising her right hand too.  I guess she wanted to make it official too!

Our lawyer is the lady in the leather jacket there with us.  She was the one doing most of the talking.  I can't really remember most of what she said, because I was just trying to keep myself together. Which I didn't do a very good job of, I cried through the whole thing!  But the gist of it was confirming we are Nathan and Shannon, agreeing we do want to make Alexander a part of our family forever, and that was about it I think. 

It was an overwhelming thing.  This has been a long year with Alexander.  He has had some pretty rough days, especially in the beginning.  But now, things are so much better.  He is happy, he is growing, he plays so well with the other kids, he doesn't use 4 letter words, and so many other things that are just so great to see.  As long of a year as it has been for him, I think it has been a bit longer for Nathan and I (especially me I think).  I have taken him to visits that I didn't want to take him to. I have watched visits between Alexander and his mom that made me want to scream.  I have been to meetings, case conferences, and court dates for this little boy.  I'm pretty sure this process gave me my first gray hair (its in my eye brow!).  But all that is over now.  I don't ever have to say that he is my foster child ever again, he's my son.  That's pretty cool, overwhelming, but cool.

So after the judge said her stuff (again, I have no idea what she said), we took lots of pictures.  The judge was so nice.  She stayed around to take pictures with us.  She even let all the kids have a turn banging her gavel up on her podium. 



When we were done, we all went to get some supper.  Lots of our family and friends met us there.  It was so nice to be with everyone.  Alexander was having a great time.  A couple of people brought him gifts and he thought that was awesome. 

So, it was a good day.  It was emotional, but good.  

 

Today was the big day!!

We finalized Alexander's adoption today. It was a really great day. I can't even express how relieved I feel now. It's like closure to the stressful journey that we have been on for the past year.

We have been telling Alexander about what would happen today, and what it all means. But really, all he got from our explanation was-- it's a special day and there will be a party. But, that's ok, he got the gist of it!

This day was extra special because our nephew became an official member of our family today too, this was also his adoption day!

I want to write about all that happened today, but I am so tired. I have been reading through old blog posts and reliving the trauma and drama of the past year and it has gotten late. (I may get a bit dramatic myself when I'm this tired).

So, I just wanted to do a quick post to share a picture or two for now.

More to come later!

I just feel drained

We had court yesterday for the initial hearing on the termination of W's mom's parental rights.

DCS had made it clear before hand that they would ask for the termination case to be dismissed.  That would mean the case would continue as it has for the past 16 months; as an open "CHINS" case.  A "CHINS" is a "child in need of services", which is what W is because he needs to be in foster care right now.  The reason DCS does not want to pursue termination is because they feel it is still a viable option for W to go home.  In other words, they aren't giving up on the mom yet. 

I think another reason they asked for dismissal is that they feel there isn't a strong enough case or enough evidence to get termination granted at this time.  Which, that may be true.  Granting termination is not something a judge takes lightly -which they shouldn't, its serious stuff-  but at the same time, how long can this go on? 

I talked with our caseworker today and she let me know she isn't really comfortable with things either.   She knows things don't always add up with the mom, but again, its not enough to end this case.   She didn't say what will happen if the mom looses her house.  We found out this week she has been lying about the hours she was working, so her assistance is being taken away for 3 months.  Because it includes this month, her rent won't be paid again until March.  I don't know how her land lord will feel about that.  Its possible she will be homeless for a time.  That puts a new spin on things!

Also, it still isn't certain if she is seeing W's dad or not. He has all of a sudden stopped going to his counseling (not that he was going very much before). But it was brought up that maybe he isn't going because he is seeing W already, so why go through the trouble of all the hoops DCS has put up?

I'm hoping these big questions get answered soon, and truthfully so we can feel good about things no matter where W ends up going.

All of this is just draining lately. It doesn't help that I have been working twice as many hours as I normally do (still less than 40 though!). But its hard when I keep thinking, this case has to end soon, one way or another, because time is running out. Then, something comes up and the case continues on again. I wonder what the record is for the longest DCS case ever? That's a record I'd rather not break!

We have a court date!

We heard from our attorney today.  She has scheduled our court date to finalize Alexander's adoption on December 12th. 

I am so excited and relieved to have a date, finally.  We got this little guy on November 18th, 2011, so it's been a long time coming.  

Its amazing the changes this little guy has went through in the last year.  He is now a happy and healthy little boy. 
I can't wait to post all kinds of pictures!

I just don't understand!

W's mom baffles me. A few months ago I was 99% sure we would be adopting W in the near future. His case was nearing the 15 month mark, which is when the state has to request termination of parental rights. His mom had not progressed in the case at all. She hadn't met the requirements set for her to move to unsupervised visits and didn't really seem too upset about it. I was beginning to think she had given up, or decided it was time to move on. Or maybe she had realized the best thing for W would be to stay with us. Also, we had a report from the judge saying the best thing for W was to be adopted due to his parents inability to provide a safe environment. That was a pretty definitive document, coming from the judge and all. So, I was still taking W to visits, and all the while feeling like there was really no point in it because he was going to end up with us in the long run.

Then, we had a family team meeting a few weeks ago where the caseworker told us that the mom had been clean for almost 4 months. That meant she had actually exceeded the requirement to move to unsupervised visits. So, the following visit was unsupervised.

I was a little skeptical, but felt ok about things. I have never worried that this mom would hurt W. She is very good with him. It's the people she chooses to be around that are a potential danger to him. But, the first few visits were only 3 hours long and a social worker would be dropping in at some point during that time. I was sure W would be safe. And he was. Every time I dropped him off his mom was happy and talkative. He was happy to see her, and things looked good. I was beginning to think, again, that she could do this. Things were just as good when I picked him up 3 hours later. Last Saturday, when I picked W up, I got to talking to his mom. I asked her if she was going to keep things together this time and get W home.

I kind of surprised myself by asking her such a direct question, but I wanted to know. If she was genuinely putting forth the effort to get her son home, I was willing to support her. But, if she wasn't, I wanted to know.

She said she felt like she was on the right track. She was keeping the right people around and the wrong ones away. She had interviewed for a job and hoping she would get it. She had applied for a 2 bedroom apartment so there would be more room for W. She was really excited about things and seemed very positive. She talked to me for probably 15 minutes. I tried to be encouraging to her let her know I wanted what was best for her and W. I felt good about things when I left and even called the CASA and let her know about our conversation. I was really sure the mom was going to keep on the right track and get W home. And I was ok with that.

This morning, I got a call from the social worker. She asked if I had gotten any unusual phone calls. I hadn't. She, and the caseworker, had gotten calls from a man who didn't give his name and who said W's mom was seeing W's dad. This is bad for several reasons. 1) there is a no contact order between them to keep the mom safe. 2) there is a no contact order between W and his dad. 3) the mom has said she is afraid of W's dad and doesn't want anything to do with him. 4) W's dad is dangerous and controlling. If his mom is hanging around with him again, knowing that he is dangerous, where has this case progressed in the past 15 months? The answer is nowhere, if she is letting him control her again, how can she keep W safe if he goes home? And the big concern is, has she been taking W to see his dad during her unsupervised visits? That one scares the pants off me. The social worker and CASA are very concerned and are hoping to get down to the bottom of this. The caseworker is taking the approach again of, she can do what she wants on her own time, as long as W isn't put in danger.

The CASA caught the mom in a couple of lies today. I have been sure she has been lying about things here and there all along. She has gotten caught in little lies several times, but she is smart enough about it to not let it add up to much at a time. But, when all these fibs are looked at as a whole, they begin to add up. I think today was the beginning of the lies adding up for the CASA and the social worker.

And, to top it all off, I got a fresh dose of disappointment. I told myself I wasn't going to let this lady disappoint me again because I wasn't going to have faith in her again. But, somehow she got to me, which set me up for a let down for the umpteenth time.

So now I don't know what is going to happen here. Maybe the mom hasn't done anything detrimental to the case. Maybe this guy calling to say she's putting herself in harm's way is just trying to cause her trouble for some reason. But, the things that happened today don't add up in favor of the mom. I don't know. And, I just don't understand.

Will she do it this time?

Of course the mistake I thought was huge was only minor to the caseworker in W's case.  She explained, as if I had no idea how things work, that the mom can have any relationship she wants and the purpose of all this is to allow her to live as she normally would, all while making sure she can keep W safe in the process.  I understand that, and I told the caseworker so.  But what concerns me is why was the mom hiding this guy? Why couldn't she tell him to leave while she had her visit? That is the problem. She still isn't putting her child first.  And this is the same problem the mom had when this case started 15 months ago.  That tells me that she hasn't budged from the situation she was in at the beginning.  But, maybe that's why I'm not a caseworker, I'm too quick to doubt the parents' ability to be good parents.  I hope that's not the case, because I don't intend to be that way.

Anyway, the caseworker has progressed this case to unsupervised visits.  The mom gets her same 3 hours 3 days a week but without a social worker there with her.  In 2 weeks, her time increases to 6 hours a visit,  then a few weeks later she gets an overnight visit.  The trial home placement hasn't been scheduled yet.  We are supposed to meet again after the overnight visit and make a plan from there.  This is all contingent on the mom staying clean and following the safety plan (no unauthorized visitors during visits and maining a safe home).  This is the third time this case has gotten to unsupervised visits.  Each time before, the whole thing fell apart right before the overnights started.  Maybe she can do it this time.  I don't have a lot of faith in this mom at this point, but maybe she will surprise me. 

I can't decide how I feel about W leaving, if it gets to that.  I am trying to feel good about it.  I know his mom loves him and she says she wants him with her.  She has the potential to be a great mom as long as she can stay on the right path.  But that's where the problem comes up for me.  This isn't the first time this mom has went through the system with a child.  She lost custody of her daughter a couple of years ago and it was because of a similar situation, her boyfriend was abusing her daughter and she couldn't keep her safe.  The case ended with her daughter being permanently placed with a relative. Now that it has happened again with W, she has taken 15 months to finally be in a position to possibly get him home.  But if its taken this long, after she already went through this with her daughter, I would be stupid to believe it won't happen again.  She has shown that she isn't strong enough, or maybe not motivated enough, or whatever to put her kids first in her life.  But that's the thing about being a foster parent, it doesn't really matter how you feel, the case is not in your control.  So, that being said, the best thing to do to keep your sanity is to love the kids while you have them, try and influence them in the most positive way possible, and always be prepared to say goodbye.  We try to remember we are only babysitters of these kids, that's the only way to keep our sanity when they leave.

Something finally flipped the switch

Alexander has been great the past few months now.  He has blossomed into a happy, growing, talkative, loving little boy.  About 2 months after his visits with his mom stopped, we started seeing changes happening.  He wasn't getting upset every five minutes.  He wasn't hitting the other kids all day long.  He wasn't demanding to be held constantly.  He was just happier.  It was amazing to watch.  Sad too, though. 

I was hoping things would be better when the visits stopped, but I wasn't sure it would happen.  We knew that Alexander had been abused and neglected and his mom had played a big part in that.  But would simply not seeing her for those couple of hours a week make a difference? It did. And, thank goodness!

The thing I feel bad about is that he hasn't seen his brother, G, either. I haven't talked directly to G's dad, but I have been told through a few people involved with the case that he wants to get the boys together. I understand what he is wanting to do, and I think he has good intentions. He wants G to know his brother and maintain a sibling relationship with him. But, being a parent to G is different from being a parent to Alexander. Not to pat ourselves on the back, but we gave G a good start in his life. He was subjected to some terrible stuff, but he came to our family when he was only 6 months old. He doesn't remember being abused or neglected. And, the shorter time he was subjected to all that, I think, has made a big difference in the way he reacts to things. G acts like a typical kid. He is happy and carefree, like a kid should be. Still, Alexander is very observant of his surroundings. He asks frequently what we are doing, whats happening next, and who will be there. His start in life was different than G's and we haven't gotten him completely beyond that yet.

So for the two boys to see each other probably would be a good experience for G. He would have fun playing with his brother and probably talk about it for a few days. But for Alexander, it would be different. Visiting with G would get him thinking about his mom again. It would remind him that he used to go to visits, but doesn't any more. It would affect him for a while, and I can't say how long. As his mom, I can't subject Alexander to something that will affect him in a negative way. Not when I can't see a benefit, anyway.

I do think it may be good to get the boys together later, I'm not sure how much later, but definitely later. Alexander has made strong bonds with Hannah and Addison, but I know some day he will want to know his brother. During our foster care classes, our instructor brought in her adopted son to talk. He was adopted around age 4 I think. His family was made up of several children, all adopted. He did have one biological brother that wasn't placed with him (this happened 20 years ago and things have changed now). He explained that he loves his adopted family and feels a bond with them, but felt like it would feel different to be with his biological brother. He felt like that bond would be stronger or just feel different. He hadn't met his brother yet so he couldn't say how he felt about him. I would be interested to hear how things went when they did meet.

But anyway, the lesson I learned from that story was, even though this guy had a healthy bond with his adopted family, and knew why he had been adopted, and knew that it was the best thing for him, he still felt like his biological family would be better in some way. I don't want Alexander to always feel like he is missing out on something by being adopted. If he sees G some, hopefully he will know that his bond with us is just as strong as one he would have with his biological family.

Reading back over this, I guess I have gotten away from the original point of this post. So, to sum up, Alexander is doing great. He has made great strides over the past year, but even greater ones over the past couple of months. We are so happy to have him as a part of our family, and I think he is pretty happy to be here too.

I need a break!!

Here we go again.  The ups and downs of foster care are getting to me today.  I feel like I have been on the phone all day, which is hard to believe because I was also at work for about 10 hours today.  W's mom is going to give me a stroke from all this.  She has been doing really well lately.  I talked with the caseworker on Tuesday and we both agreed that things were leaning more toward W going home.  All the drug screens have been clean for almost 3 months now. The mom has been talkative and happy when I see her. I have been thinking she might be taking steps in the right direction.  The next step is unsupervised visits.  Then, today happens.

When I got to the mom's house to drop W off for his visit on Monday, the mom was standing at the visit supervisor's car talking.  I got him out of the car and walked up.  The mom told me that she had found her pilot light off on her stove and so she didn't want to be in the house for a while.  The visit supervisor suggested they go to the library for a while.  I handed W over and they all loaded into the car and left.  It was no big deal, they go to the library sometimes during visits so I didn't think a thing about it.

Then, when I got there for Wednesday's visit, it was a similar scene.  The mom was outside.  This time, she needed the visit supervisor to do the visit someplace else because her furnace was being worked on.  This time I was suspicious. She was obviously keeping us out, I just didn't know why.

I called the visit supervisor today because we needed to talk about this. She told me she had some concerns too and was glad I called. Of course she was thinking the same thing I was, what or who was she keeping us from seeing? She was going to do some investigating and get back to me. I called the caseworker to let her know about these concerns too. I got her voice mail so I called the CASA next.

Again--I'm so thankful for CASAs! She was driving near the mom's apartment anyway, so she drove past. She saw a man who she initially thought was W's dad, but turns out it wasn't. She went up to the door and the man answered. He wouldn't tell her his name, but he did say he was living there. This was the reason the mom was keeping us out of the apartment.

I was shocked. I shouldn't have been, but I was-- and still am. This is a game changer, I think. How could this mom have a man living in her apartment and not let anyone know? My guess is he has a criminal record, so she wanted to keep everyone from knowing about him. There is no problem with her having a boyfriend, but she can't have someone around W without being able to show it is a safe situation. The only explanation for her keeping this guy a secret is that she knows he is bad news. So, she knows this, and she knows that she can't keep this guy a secret for long. And, she knows that her actions are going to end up keeping her from getting W home. That's where the shock comes in. How can she afford to do something so detrimental to this case at this point? She knows that she is so close to loosing W for good and any mistake at this point is going to be huge. But she also knows that her screens have been clean for 3 months, and that is huge.

The visit supervisor (who is also a counselor of some sort) feels the mom is self sabotaging. She is going to talk point blank with the mom about this. She is going to tell her she knows about this new guy and the mom has to tell him to leave for visits because these are her visits and she should not be leaving her own house like this. That won't work because this mom can't demand anything from anyone. She can't give an answer when she is asked a question. Her response is always "whatever you think". She thinks the mom knows W is safe with us and feels relieved and satisfied with that. She wants to talk to the mom about this and try to get an honest answer from her. Again, she won't get an honest answer, because the mom can't stand up for herself.

I hope the caseworker takes this all seriously. I hope she puts some consequences in place because of this. That has been some of the problem. The mom gets 3 visits a week for 3 hours each, that is a lot of visits. Even after several bad drug screens, her visits haven't changed. I feel like the visits should be reduced and moved to the office, not in the home. She has shown that she can't maintain a safe home--again, so how can the visits continue in the home.

I don't know, I'm frustrated I guess.

Alexander's caseworker stopped by this evening.  She brought by some paperwork we need to sign to get the next step of the adoption going.  Nothing too exciting, just some papers to allow our lawyer to get reimbursement for her work on the case and a few other technical things.  Still, it's one step closer and that is exciting.

In Indiana, lawyers can be reimbursed up to $1500 for completing an adoption.  The lawyer we are using, and most others according to our caseworker, won't charge families any more than the $1500.  So, that means we won't have any cost associated with this adoption.  So many people I have talked to say they can't consider adoption because of the cost, but I can say, cost isn't an issue with foster-to-adopt situations.

We have had some other nerve-racking developments this week.  I got a call from the caseworker saying that she has discovered some issues with the situation with G and his dad.  G is Alexander's half brother (same mom, different dads).  He was with us from the time he was a bruised up 6 month old until he was an ornery 21 month old.  He was able to be reunited with his dad last May.  I was nervous about him leaving, but I felt good about it overall.  When I got that call, saying the placement with dad might not be working, my heart sank.  A part of me was excited to have G back with us, but a big part of me was dreading the thought of all those visits with dad starting from the beginning again.  I was ok to say goodbye to G last May, but I'm not sure how I would feel to say goodbye again.  Plus, I would worry about how it would affect Alexander and the girls to have G with us only to leave again.  I have said a few times that it isn't as hard as you would think to tell a foster child goodbye, but that doesn't mean it's easy!  It's harder on the kids I think, they just aren't able to understand all that's going on well enough.  Plus, it's hard for kids to see what is best for someone in the long run vs what's easiest for them in the moment.  But, even with all that, I would still take him back in a heart beat if he has to be removed again.  The caseworker told me this evening that she is really hoping to not have to remove G.  She said even if it comes down to the grandparents taking guardianship for a time while the dad gets himself together again, she will do that.

I'm not sure where W's case is going.  We were to the point where the caseworker was going to file termination on the mom next month, which would be 15 months and the point where the state says termination has to be filed.  But, the mom has been passing drug tests for the past 2 months.  At this point, if she continues to pass screens, the case will continue and the mom will still progress toward getting W home.  I'm not sure how to feel about this.  I have always said I like this mom, and I still do.  But this has gone on so long that I'm not sure what would happen if W went home.  His mom is capable of being a great mom.  But, I'm not confident in her being able to keep on the right track once the support DCS is giving her is gone.  Right now, she is being drug screened weekly and knows that the screens will continue and if she fails one now, this case is basically over.  She is getting counseling a couple of times a week.  She is getting help with transportation to appointments, to the store, to the library to apply for jobs (the visit supervisor takes her places during visits which I'm not really on board with).  We provide everything W needs on a day to day basis including food, clothes, a bed, daycare, going to appointments and therapy.  Can she manage everything on her own? I don't know.  I know she has been a victim of domestic violence, and that is not something to take lightly.  I am so glad she is not in a bad relationship anymore, at least she says she isn't in a relationship.  But, I just can't trust that she will stay around the right people, people who will support her and W, help her when she needs it, keep W safe.  She lost custody of her daughter a few years ago because she wasn't able to make the right decisions to keep her daughter safe.  Maybe she learned her lesson from all that.  Maybe she has gotten valuable help from all the counseling she has had in the last year.  But, I'm scared to put W into a situation with so many risks.  Of course, this is part of foster care.  DCS's job is to get kids home, even if us foster parents aren't 100% comfortable with things.  I know I don't have a very objective view of all this and I am biased in this situation, but that doesn't make this any easier!  I'm just going to keep taking care of W and try to follow my instincts about my feelings toward his mom and what she is capable of.  Maybe she is ready to be a mom.  And if I know, or at least am pretty sure that she can do this, I'm ok with letting W go.

"No, I mean MY mommy"

I haven't figured out exactly how to react (or feel) when Alexander tells me he is talking about his "other" mommy.  He doesn't do it very often.  And it is usually when he is pretending with his toys that I hear him say it.  This pretend play usually involves his half brother too.  I think he puts the two of them together in his mind.  Probably because the only place he has seen either one of them lately has been at his visits, and they were together then.  The other day, he had his cars and was driving them around as they were talking to one another.  He didn't really say much, just stuff like "Hi mommy. Hi Bubby".   The first time he said "hi mommy", I answered him.  He responded with " no, not you".

I know he has a past, despite the fact that I would like to think his life started when he walked through our door.  And I know this pretend play is his way of dealing with some of the stuff he has been through, which is a good thing.  Still, a part of me feels pretty bad when I hear him talking to his mom.  Yes, I want to be the one he thinks of as "mom".  But that isn't really the part that bothers me.  I know he looks to me when he needs a "mom". And I know he loves me, and the rest of us too.  The part that is upsetting to me is the fact that he would want to talk to his mom.  He has never had a healthy relationship with her.  She has expressed that she never wanted him and has never made any qualms about saying so.  Why would he want to play with her.  I can understand pretending to tell her off, that would feel healthy to me!  But he talks in a nice, casual way when he pretends to talk to her.  I guess I don't want him having a fanticized image of his mom as he grows up.  I don't want him to get older and resent me for keeping him from his mom, or the mom he has built up in his mind.

I haven't said anything about his mom to him, good or bad.  I think I have needed a break from thinking about everything for a little bit. It has been such a relief since the visits have stopped.  

But that brings up another thing that has surprised me.  Alexander has asked me a couple of times if it is time for his visit.  When I say no, we aren't going to a visit today, he responds with "yes, I am".  That's another mystery to me.  The visits were terrible.  Alexander was miserable and acted out for
days afterward.  Why would he ask to go back?  He should be singing praises that he doesn't have to go back ever again.  That's what I have been doing!  But, I guess that's why it's called a learning experience, if things went like I thought they would, there would be no learning going on.  I have always said I like learning, maybe that statement is coming back to bite me now.  

 Our adoption attorney has said she thinks Alexander's adoption should be finished by the end of the year. That is pretty exciting news. But, as I have learned from all this, finalizing this adoption will be a much bigger deal to me than it is to him!

Enjoying things

We have been enjoying our new home and just each other lately.  It feels like we can finally relax since court last week.  I have been sure Alexander would stay with us, but not knowing for 100% sure has been stressful.  Now if W's case will get wrapped up, we can finally be just a family. 

Being foster parents has been a good experience, and I'm glad we did it. It has been stressful and crazy, but its what brought us to our kids.  I would do it again in a heartbeat.  But, I'm ready for this chapter of our family's life to be over.

I'm ready to be a regular family with regular parents who don't have to share their kids with anyone else.  I'm ready to be done with visitation.  I'm ready to be done cleaning the house like crazy because a caseworker is coming only to find out the caseworker has had something come up and will come another day instead.  I'm tired of trying to keep my feelings in check for my kids so I can deal with it if they need to leave our family.  I'm ready for the girls to have some stability in their life and not have to think or worry about what is going on in the foster kids' cases.  I'm ready to close this chapter and start the next one.

And-- I'm ready to share pictures of these adorable boys with the world!

Relief-----

That's what I feel today, relief.  We went to court for Z today, now to be known as Alexander.  This was the final hearing in the process to terminate his parents' rights (also called a "TPR" hearing).  These hearings can be lengthy, we were told the last one took 10 hours.  So when we went into court, we were expecting it to last all afternoon and probably stretch into another day.

In preparation for today, I met with the lawyer representing DCS last week.  He went over the things he was going to ask me about: how Alexander has been acting after visits, how he is so much better a few days later, his overall behavior at home in comparison to his behavior during visits, etc.  I have been so stressed about this court date.  The lawyer reassured us that his case was strong and he had more than enough evidence to get TPR granted.  That did make me feel better, but when you are dealing with the fate of your child, being pretty sure doesn't cut it.  


So to say that we were nervous going into today's events would be an understatement.  


We all got there pretty early so we were waiting in the hall for several minutes.  The mom sat down the hall from us.  She seemed pretty much like her usual self.  She didn't talk to anyone besides her mom and she shot us some nasty looks from time to time.  We sat and talked with G's dad about how things were going with them.  


And then the dad came in.  We haven't seen Alexander's dad since that day he met with us in the park and told us he was going to sign his rights over so we could adopt Alexander.   He sat next to Nathan and talked with us for a while.  Pretty soon the caseworker came by and took him into a meeting room.  When I looked up, the mom was also being taken into a meeting room by her lawyer.  


Pretty soon it was time to go into court.  We took our places and waited for the judge to come in.  I don't know why being in that room makes me so nervous, but it does.  I think it has to do with the fact that one person has great power over the fate of our family.  


Anyway, court began and Nathan and I were prepared to be sitting there for the long haul.  We were as ready as we could be to hear all the gorry details about Alexander's past that would serve as evidence of why TPR needed to be granted.  We knew it was going to be painful to listen to, but it is a part of this process.  


They started with a scheduled review of the case.  Everyone was in agreement that G is doing well with his dad and that is where he needs to stay.  Then they moved on to Alexander's portion of the case.  The DCS lawyer talked first.  He stated that both parents had signed voluntary termination of rights paperwork today and that would be discussed further after the review portion of the hearing.  I don't know why court proceedings have to be so complicated, but they are!  So, the judge ruled that all services the mom and dad were receiving in respect to Alexander were suspended permanently and the review hearing was over.  G's dad was dismissed at that time and the TPR portion of the hearing began. 


Except, it wasn't really a TPR hearing anymore.  Because the parents had both voluntarily signed the paperwork, DCS didn't need to present the overwhelming evidence they had prepared and we didn't have to sit through it.  


It was overwhelming really.  I just couldn't believe this was all going to be over when we left that courthouse today.  The judge went though a lot of questions with both parents.  He explained to them about what voluntary and involuntary terminaton of parental rights means and had them state if they understood.  He explained that since they had signed these papers, they no longer had any rights or responsibilities regarding Alexander, they would not be responsible for paying support, they were not entitled to visitation or any type of custody.  Both said they understood.  Then he asked them if they had been persuaded by anyone or offered any type of compensation for signing the papers.  Of course both said no.  Then, he closed by telling the parents that he felt they had both made a good decision that he felt was in the child's best interest.  And he wanted them to take this as an opportunity to focus on the other responsibilities the parents have in their lives.  At that point, court was dismissed.  The judge looked at me then with a smile and nodded to me.  He was telling me in that little gesture that he knew Alexander was going to be a permenant part of our family. It was a neat thing.


Then the emotions started flowing!  The mom had been crying off and on during the hearing, and when I lookd over at the CASA at one point, I thought she might be on the verge of tears.  I had kept it together though, not that I wasn't feeling emotional.  Then, after the judge left, the mom came over to us.  I didn't see her come over until Nathan got my attention.  She was crying again.  She hugged me and told me to take care of Alexander.  I hugged her back and I couldn't hold back the tears any longer.  I told her of course we would, and that we were crazy about him.  I think I also said something along the lines of "you did the right thing, you did good", but now, I can't really remember what all I said.  But I hope I did say something like that.  The dad came over and hugged us too.  And then of course the CASA.  Even the mom's lawyer came over to hug me--that was shocking!        


We stuck around and asked some technical questions.  The DCS lawyer told us there would be 30  days that the parents could legally change their decision, but all those questions the judge asked them  were to prevent them from being able to change their minds.  He said our adoption attorney should be getting things in order so once that 30 days are over, the adoption can be finalized soon.  It should all be a quick and painless process from here on out.  Relief, big time relief.  Thank goodness.

We have had the busiest week ever.  We went to court for both boys and got final inspections done on the house.  It has been crazy.

W's court was first.  We have never met his dad before.  He just got out of jail about a month ago, so everyone has pretty much been able to put him out of their minds until now.  Well, since he is out now, DCS is obligated to offer him services.   Some of the things they call services are counseling, groups like anger management or drug programs, and visitation.

Of course this guy wanted to start with visitation.   He insisted that he had never hurt W, that the police were conspiring against him, that the doctor reading the x-rays was not competent, and he was a good, loving father.  Wow.  We met the arresting police officer the night we picked W up in the ER, I think even she was a bit shook up by what she saw in regards to the way this guy "lovingly" held his baby.

So for him to think he was going to get visitation, he has to be nuts!  The CASA has filed a motion asking for visits to be permanently suspended and the caseworker has placed so many steps before visits will be allowed, that he will never get there.  So hopefully that issue has been resolved.

What I was getting to when I mentioned we have never met this guy was-- we saw him when we went to court the other day.  We walked into the big waiting area and there he was talking with the CASA,  I recognized him from his mugshot.  She didn't say anything as we walked by and we just went on past.  The caseworker came out then and told him court had been continued.   I was about to get frustrated when I realized she was only talking to him.  Then I realized she had been careful to only talk to him, not us also.  Just like the CASA had ignored us when we came by.  After he had left the building, the CASA came over and confirmed our suspicions, they didn't want W's dad to know who we were.  She told us she was going to file a motion to keep us out of court any time he would be there.  Then later, the caseworker came out again.  She said basically the same thing.  She said there would be no reason for us to come to the dad's court dates.  She was also going to be careful not to let our address show on any paperwork.   What is unusual about this is, foster parents are usually encouraged to be involved with the parents.  We are expected to be at court dates, come to meetings with the parents, build a relationship with them.  But, this guy is not the typical parent.  He is dangerous.

It makes me a little nervous to know that both DCS and the caseworker have kept this dad from knowing who we are.  This just isn't typical in foster care.  But, I am not too worried about anything happening.  We are far enough from everything that I feel safe.  I will be glad when this case is done though.

Anyway, we did go to court for W's mom.  The plan is still adoption for him.  The possible family placements aren't looking very promising so both the caseworker and the CASA stated they feel W would be best to stay with us as an adoptive placement.  That was good to hear.   Of course, that is still a little ways off.  DCS isn't planning to file termination of rights for another 3 months on the mom.  And it could be at least another 6 months on the dad, depending on how compliant he is with all the "services" he is going to be required to complete. 

Then I went to court for Z.  This was an emergency hearing requested by the CASA to stop visitation with his mom.   Remember those are the visits that result in miserable behaviors for our Z.  It was more of a trial than a hearing like we are used to.  The CASA called witnesses, who had to sit in the witness stand and be sworn in.  It was a bit scary, but the CASA handled it very well.  The judge ultimately ruled the visits can stop. 

I am so relieved by this.  The days following a visit have been awful.  Z will yell and scream at the drop of a hat, he is aggressive with the other kids, I have even seen him kick the cats.  But after 2 or 3 days, he's fine. I am so excited to be able to report at the next hearing about how wonderful his behavior has been since visits stopped!   --Lets just hope his behavior really is better!  :)

The end is near......

It's funny, but the end of both our boys' cases could happen really soon, and really close together. Z's case technically started in February 2011 and W's started in July 2011, but both appear to be wrapping up.

We have had the initial hearing for termination of parental rights for Z's parents. Nothing happened at that hearing besides the judge reading the case numbers, who was present, then he scheduled the fact finding hearing. Z's dad didn't show up, which I can't blame him, the judge made it sound like he didn't need to come to any more hearings the last time we were at court. But it turns out he hasn't actually signed any paperwork yet. DCS has tried to send it to him several times but he always refuses the package. It won't matter in the end whether or not he signs it, but it could drag our adoption processs out longer if he doesn't. The fact finding hearing is at the first of next month (unless it gets continued like all the other court dates have). At that hearing, DCS will present all the evidence they have as to why Z's mom should loose her parental rights. They have all assured me that this is an "open and shut case" and they have no doubt rights will be terminated, but it still makes me nervous. I can't bare to think about this going on longer, me having to take Z to more visits, or anything else coming along to delay us adopting Z. Or, heaven forbid, us not being able to adopt him at all. So, we are waiting on egg shells for that final hearing. I hope hope hope it happens as scheduled. It's time for this to be over so we all can move on, especially Z.

On W's front, the caseworker and the CASA are recommending we adopt W. The caseworker is still willing to consider a family placement though. In fact, I think she is supposed to meet with the family I mentioned a couple of posts ago, the one where the husband is in law enforcement (turns out he is a guard at a jail). The only things I have found out about them is that the wife works with special needs kids and they have a three year old son. They could be a good option, the only thing is, this case has been going on for a year, where have they been all this time?

We go to court next week for this case. I'm hoping something is decided. We have went back and forth so many times on this case, it has been exhausting. When we picked W up, I was sure he would be ours forever based on the circumstances. Then I met the mom and was sure he would, and should, go home with her. Then the mom began to show me she couldn't take care of him and I thought he would stay with us. Then the aunt came into the picture and I was sure he would be going with her. Then this other family member popped up and they may still be a good option. Meanwhile the CASA is telling me she feeels like W needs to stay with us. It has been crazy. Right now, I really don't know what to think. I love W like crazy, but I will be ok if he needs to leave us.

The other day I was thinking, how can I be ok with W leaving but I'm not ok with even the thought of Z leaving? I have been thinking about that a lot lately. I love both of them equally, I think of both of them as my kids, but I still see things differently with them. I think I have come up with the reason, maybe.

First I thought it was because I went into Z's case with the knowledge that everyone wanted him in our home as more of a pre-adoptive placement vs a foster placement (yes "pre-adoptive" is a real term). But then I go back to when W came, I was sure he would be adopted by us too. So that isn't really it. I think the reason I see these two cases so differently is because of all the other people involved, family members wise. Z has a lot of family but I don't trust that any of them have ever had Z's best interest in mind. For the life of me I can't figure this out, but no one has really ever wanted Z. His mom resented him because all she could see in him was his dad (who she hates with a passion). His dad saw him as another mouth to feed and he could barely feed the ones he already had. I don't know what his grandparents saw him as, but we know they were abusive to him, both sets of grandparents. So, no one has ever treasured this sweet boy like every kid deserves to be treasured. No one has ever loved him for who he is, they have only been able to see those things in him which they despise. And, how can they blame a child for who he looks like or for just being a kid, those things aren't his fault.

But in W's case, the only person who has been unkind toward him is his dad. His mom loves him, his aunt wants him in her family, he has a teenage half sister who is crazy about him. He could be surrounded by a loving family if things had just went a little differently. That is the difference. I am afraid if we do adopt W, there will always be a part of me that feels guilty for taking this baby away from so many people who have wanted him and have treasured him. I know it isn't physically me that is the one taking him away, and I know that his mom and his aunt had the ability to end this case with W in their homes and families but their decisions and actions proved to not be in W's best interest. But I know I will still feel some responsibility. With Z, I hope he never sees some of his "family" again. I think his life will be better if his mom walks away after that last visit and never looks back. But I don't feel that way at all with W. That is the difference. I'm not sure how we will work things out if we are able to adopt W so he can have a relationship with some of his family, but we are going to have to figure something out because there are a few people that I believe he will be better off knowing. But with Z, we will be the only family he needs. He will not benefit in any way by having his mom in his life, and I'm starting to think not his dad either.

This has all been so hard sometimes. I don't regret any of it though. We have needed these kids as much as they have needed us. We have all learned from them and from this experience. Still, I'm hoping the end is near.

This could get mushy.....

I just love my family! 

We have been so busy for the past few months with house building stuff, that we just haven't had two seconds to spend all together.  Nathan has been working at the house from 6 am until he can't move any longer every day that he isn't at work, and after work on most work days.  Meanwhile, I have been at home taking care of things here, making suppers, getting baths done, doing laundry, and putting everyone to bed.  Then, packing when I can so it won't be so much to do all at once. 

Nathan and Dad finished up the perimeter drain they have been working on the past several days at about 10:30 this morning. --Nathan left the house before 6 this morning, I think, I wasn't exactly awake.  But since he was getting home so early in the day, we decided to go somewhere for the rest of the day.  When I said Daddy was coming home so we could go somewhere, you would have thought it was the first time we had ever done something together.  The girls packed up all kinds of things to do in the car.  Mr. Z kept saying, "I want Daddy to go too".  When I told him we were all going, he didn't seem to comprehend what I was talking about.  I think this day together was LONG overdue.

So, we headed to IKEA.  We are pretty sure its ok to take foster kids out of state for the day.  At first we were under the impression we couldn't without permission, but then someone (I think Sarah) said we could go for the day, so we took that as good enough and haven't asked for clarification since!  Even though the only thing we had on the agenda was picking up some things for the house, we all had so much fun. 

We stopped at Wendy's for some lunch to go.  Then, we ran into Home Depot to pick up a tarp to cover up our IKEA finds.  We don't have a Home Depot close to us, so we rarely are there, but they have the neatest carts!  There was one shaped like a truck with a spot for the boys to sit with steering wheels so they could drive.  I didn't think Z was going to get out.  W liked it too.  We got about 5 minutes away when Nathan said, "Did you get the stuff out of the cart?!"  Of course I hadn't, I was loading up W, and he didn't, he was loading up Z.  Plus it was raining a little so we were hurrying to get into the car.  He turned around and hurried back.  It wasn't hard to spot our cart, it was still in the parking lot and it was shaped like a giant orange truck.  Sure enough it was empty.  Not only had the tarp we just bought been in there, but my diaper bag was in there too.  So, Nathan went in to see if anyone had turned it in.  No one had.  Poor W had to get through the day with un-thickened formula (thankfully I had formula in the car), but it was in the same bottle I just kept rinsing out.  It won't hurt a kid to drink the wrong consistency of formula from a somewhat dirty bottle, right?

Finally, we made it to IKEA.  The girls loved helping to pick things, especially when something was for their room.  Z looked all over that store like he had never been in such a place.  When we were looking at the rugs, he kept walking in between them and then popping back out, giggling the whole time.  When we were leaving, Addison decided it must be supper time, so Hannah quickly suggested we eat at Cracker Barrel.  I don't know why they love that place so much.  But all the kids did great.  Z told us when he had to potty, he is learning that we react pretty quick when he says those magic words; "I've got to potty!".  W did great today.  He rode in the stroller all through the store and never cried the entire time in the car.  Hannah was a great help in the baby entertainment department too.  The girls even were on hiatis from arguing today.  The only time they got in trouble was when they were having a little too much fun and were so loud in the car, we couldn't stand it any more.

So, we had a fun day.  And I love my family!

Whoa! I want off for a few minutes!!

This foster care roller coaster has been on over drive lately and it's getting a bit old. I talked to W's caseworker yesterday and she let me know she is still planning to place W with his aunt (the dad's sister).  She wants the aunt to start coming to visits when he visits with his mom so a bond can be formed between W and his aunt.  After two weeks, she wants the aunt to start her own visits and reduce the time and frequency of the mom's visits so W can transition into his aunt's home.  The caseworker expects W could be with his aunt full time within 6 weeks to two months tops.  I'm not sure how I feel about this plan, but my opinion doesn't pull any weight in these things, so it doesn't matter how I feel really.  

Then I talked to the CASA and she told me she wasn't comfortable with the aunt.  She felt like if the aunt truly wanted W, she would have found a way to be involved in this process.  Really, she hasn't expressed she wants W since the judge said no at the very beginning.  Plus, there is the issue of her age.  She is into her 60's and taking on a baby to raise on her own could be too much for her. 

So, as of yesterday, I was pretty sure W would be going to his aunt's soon.  Because, ultimately, it comes down to what the caseworker believes is best even though the CASA disagrees.   But, with the judge on this case, who knows.  He changed the plan to termination at the last hearing without the caseworker recommending it.  So who knows.

Then another roller coaster ride came along.  The CASA called me to let me know the meeting with the dad didn't happen yesterday because he wasn't able to "figure out the bus schedule" to get there.  But she is submitting a request to the court that visits between W and his dad never happen.  She also wanted to tell me she is submitting her report which says her recommendation is for W to be adopted by us.  I was pretty excited to hear that.  Again, her report is just a recommendation, but still. 

I was about to call Nathan to relay this to him when my phone rang again.  It was the CASA again.  She had just gotten an email from the caseworker saying a family member had come forward and said they are interested in having W.  This is a family member from the dad's side.  They live about 2 hours away.  The man works in law enforcement and I don't know about the lady. 

Geese, couldn't we have an hour on the same path before someone threw the switch on the tracks?! 

The CASA apologized for giving me two completely different scenarios in such a short time.  I was a bit taken aback by this new development, but its not something she needed to apologize about.   I told her we knew this was an uncertain road we were traveling.  And, yes, we would love to adopt W.  We love him already and he has been a part of our family since he was a tiny baby.  But because we love him, we want what is best for him.  Until I know more about this new family, being with us is what I feel is best.  But who knows, this family may be great.  The fact that the man is a police officer makes me feel better.  I have worried that the aunt wouldn't be able to keep W safe if the dad came by and decided he was taking him. 

So, now we have no idea what to expect from this whole situation.   Maybe we will know more tomorrow.  Or maybe tomorrow will bring something new!

Feeling the stress!

I have said several times how foster care is so unpredictable and never goes how we expect. Today was no exception!
We have had W with us for more than 10 months now.  Throughout this entire time, everything has been about his mom and whether she can take care him.  --Which has been a roller coaster in itself-- But the dad has not been discussed much because its cut and dry with him, he broke four of W's ribs at two different times, has a violent history, and he has been in jail and not around to be on anyone's radar.  Well, he was released from prison last week.  The caseworker contacted him and he said over and over he is "willing to do whatever it takes to get his son".  Because he said that, DCS is obligated to offer him services.

Services can include anger management classes, parenting classes, counseling, and/or visitation. Visitation is the one that's getting me. How can anyone allow this man to visit with any child, let alone W.  I don't know that visits will happen but it is a possibility.

I just got off the phone with the CASA and she's strongly against visits. She also feels vists with the mom need to be greatly reduced.  She also doesn't feel like the aunt is the best place for W either.  --Basically, she feels like this case has gone on long enough, the parents have already proved they aren't parent material, and W needs to be in a good permanent home ASAP.  I have to say I agree with her.  I am so thankful for CASAs! 

So, we still know nothing.  W could be starting visits with his dad.  Visits with mom could be reduced.  Placement with the aunt may or may not still be on the table.  I don't know!  Frustrating!

With all of this uncertainty with W, I can't help but question things with Z.  I just can't imagine him leaving, but his case could still drag on for quite a while.  His mom is a pretty good actor and can really lay on the act when she knows it counts.  It scares me that she will do just enough that the judge may keep things going for a long time.  I know there is a case in the county that is fairly similar to Z's that is more than two years into it.  We are just over a year.  I can't imagine this going on another year.  Not just for my sanity (which would be in jeopardy!) But for Z's wellbeing.   Every week that goes by with another visit is one more obstacle he has to overcome.  Frustrating!

Its times like tonight that makes me look forward to us being able to cross the "foster" out of the title of this blog for a while.

Cruising along

Nothing major has happened over the past couple weeks.

We are adjusting to being a family of 6 after being a family of 7 for the past six months.   Who would have thought that it would be easier having 4 kids vs 5? ;)  Z has asked a few times where his brother is.  He is satisfied with my answer when I tell him G went to live with his dad.  He has seen G twice during visits with the mom, and I think that has helped.

As far as behaviors with Z, we are still seeing them for a few days after the visits.  I know all 2 year olds have temper tantrums, but these are constant and mostly only on the days following a visit.  The next court date for the termination hearing is June 14th -that will be the initial hearing- then the fact finding hearing will be August 3rd.  I'm not totally sure what all can/will happen during those hearings but we will find out soon.  Hopefully all of this will be coming to an end--and with the results we are hoping for.  I'm not sure what I would do if Z had to go back to his mom. I am 99.99% sure that would never happen, but with foster care, nothing is 100%.  I know she doesn't want him, she has said that many times.  And I believe he would be in danger if he was with her without supervision.  And, I am not the only one who feels this way so I believe that is something we will never have to worry about.   

As far as W, his mom has basically gotten to the point that she isn't going to be able to get W back into her care.  She has failed most of the drug screens she has been given.  She has been released from her drug counseling program because she missed too many appointments.  She is supposed to be calling to get into an inpatient program, but to my knowledge has not made that call yet.  I hope she hasn't given up because she doesn't think she can do this, but I believe that's probably what has happened.  The caseworker told me last week that she is going to talk to everyone involved about placing W with his paternal aunt.  This particular aunt has expressed several times that she wants W and she has been pretty upset that she hasn't gotten the chance to have him yet.  The main reason she doesn't have him is the first two times she asked, the judge said he "wasn't comfortable placing W with any part of that family".  At that point, the caseworker felt there was no point in pursuing that road.  But that wasn't necessarily because they felt like the aunt was a bad choice, but because its impossible to get something accomplished once the judge has made up his mind.   But now that so much time has passed and this aunt still wants W, and its looking like he won't be going home, the aunt might start looking a little better.

Another reason they are looking at the aunt again is because the caseworker believes a guardianship arrangement can be worked out.  We were asked if we would consider guardianship, but we said no.  Its not to the point that we would have been able to do that now, the caseworker just wanted to know if we would consider it if the situation came to that.  We said no for several reasons.  A guardianship is not a permanent arrangement.  At any point, the mom could get herself clean and go back to court and regain custody of W.  Not that we wouldn't want W to have the opportunity to go back to his mom, but if his mom kept her parental rights, it would feel like this case was never closed.  W would never have that sense of permanency that I think is important.   It just isn't a stress we are willing to volunteer for.  The aunt taking guardianship is a different story. It would be simpler for her.  So, we should know more about that in the next few weeks.  Its possible she would be granted placement in a few weeks. 

What would we do as a family of 5?!

Here is a picture of everyone helping with the installation of our new septic tanks.  Exciting huh?

It didn't go like we expected, but ....

We did have our court date on Monday.  We expected both Z's parents to sign over their parental rights, because both had said that's what they wanted.

Z's dad had asked to meet with us before court to talk some things over with us.  We were both pretty nervous about that meeting.  I had no idea what he was going to say to us, and there is always that little part of me that was afraid he was going to say he had changed his mind.  While we were waiting for him, Nathan and I sat and wondered how this would go.  He was several minutes late, so we had just about given up on him when he pulled up.  Neither of us had seen him since Z had been placed with us last November.  He had been granted weekend visitation, but had not seen Z once since this started.  He walked up and shook Nathan's hand and said hello to me.  We all sat down and he explained why he wanted to see us.

He said he knew we wanted to adopt Z and that is what he wanted too.  He wanted us to know he still loved his son, and always would, but he knew we were the ones who should raise him and be his parents.   He said that when Z went into foster care, he wanted to be sure he came to us and he would have fought to get him to us.  He explained a little about why he couldn't be a parent to Z, and it all made sense to us.  He was honest and sincere, which was good to hear.  The last thing he said was, he wanted Nathan to promise to be a good dad to Z, because Z deserved that. That's when I lost it and cried!  Nathan promised, and I told him that Nathan is a good dad.  He said he wanted us to know, he would always be Z's father, but from this point on, Nathan is his dad.  It was the most tear jerking thing I have ever been through!  But, it made us feel better to have an explanation from him and now we have something we can share with Z some day about his birth father.  Plus, I will feel better knowing that Z's dad is happy with where he is and knows he is in the best place for him.  So, the paperwork isn't actually signed yet, but our lawyer is working with DCS to get everything to Z's dad to get completed.  It will be done soon.

The part that didn't go as planned came when it got to the mom. She had said a few times that she wanted to sign her rights over so we could adopt Z, and had even tried to do it twice but technicalities came up that kept her from signing.  Once we got into court, it was a whole different thing.  She had changed her mind and was not going to sign.  She claimed she had been influenced by DCS to say she wanted to sign over rights.  It was ridiculous.   The judge obviously wasn't buying the story.  Everyone gave their reports and recommendations, all saying Z should stop visits with his mom because they are harmful to him and rights should be terminated. 
Here's the really shocking part--- despite all these reports, the judge ordered that visits continue.  I couldn't believe what he was saying.  How could he contradict what all of these people were saying and put Z through further trauma unnecessarily?  We were both pretty upset about it.  The caseworker called me about 30 minutes after we left to make sure I was ok, she knew I was not happy.

DCS is still filing termination paperwork on the mom.  So it will still happen, but as the CASA put it, "it will be ugly".  DCS will put together a case as to why rights need to be terminated and several witnesses will be called.  DCS has no shortage of witnesses in this either.  I don't think this mom has any idea of what she is about to put herself through. 

The judge approved the trial home placement to begin with G.  We will take him to his dad's tomorrow evening.  I am happy for them. G's dad and his girlfriend are excited to begin their life as a family with G. I think its going to work out and they will do well.  The only good thing about Z continuing visits with his mom, is G will also be at those visits.  So, Z will get a chance to see his brother on a regular basis, and, I will get to see him too.  It will make this transition a little easier on everyone I think. 

Monday will be a big day!!

This coming Monday will finally be our court date for the boys.  ---Barring any more continuances---  Big things will be happening that day.  The boys' mom is still saying she will sign papers that terminate her rights for Z and list us as the adoptive parents.  Z's dad finally returned DCS's calls and has said he will sign this same paperwork.  The caseworker told me last week that it was time for us to get an attorney for Z's adoption.  She gave me the name of one DCS uses a lot and Nathan gave her a call that day.  We filled out some forms and will know more about that process after Monday.  Technically, this could all be done in three months.  The court is required to wait three months before finalizing an adoption to give the parents a chance to change their minds about terminating their rights.  So, we have to wait at least 3 months.  But as long as we can get a court date fairly quickly, it shouldn't be much longer than that I don't think.  We have picked a sort of new name for our little guy, I will let you know more about that after court.  I think I can post some pictures after court too. 

Also on Monday, DCS will be asking for G's trial home visit to start.  The caseworker said she is planning to send G to his dad's next weekend and then he will stay there from that point on.  I'm a little nervous about this, but excited too.  G's dad is so excited, I can't help but be happy for him.  I talked to him on the phone today and told him I was going to be sad to see G leave, but I'm happy with where he's going.  He again reassured me that he wants G to see his brother, so we won't be rid of him completely.  That does make me feel better.

So, that is a lot to happen in one day.  We will essentially be gaining a son on the same day as we lose one.  It won't be as dramatic as that though.  It will be a happy day for us. 

As far as W's case, its going no where.  His mom continues to let us all down.  She has failed a few more drug tests.  I was talking with the caseworker for his case this week and we both agreed that something seems different with this mom.   She is still loving and good with W, but she seems to have a different attitude.  She hasn't been going to appointments with me, she doesn't make comments like "I am going to do whatever it takes to get him home" like she was before.  She hasn't been the least bit emotional when someone reminds her that her time to get W back is running out.  At the last court hearing, the judge changed her permanency plan from "reunification" to "termination" and she didn't react at all.  She seems checked out from the situation.  I don't think its because she doesn't want her baby, I think its because she knows she can't, or won't, do the things she must do to get him home.  She isn't keeping herself clean and she doesn't seem to be terribly motivated to make any changes.  We have talked with the caseworker and the CASA about the possibility of us adopting W if it does come to terminating his mom's rights.  Both agree this would be a good place for him.  So, that may be in our future, who knows? 

For now, we are pretty focused on successfully getting G with his dad and getting Z to be a permanent fixture in our family.  If foster care is nothing else, its always changing and never in the way you expected. 

We just got finished with a visit with the boys' mom.  A motion was filed last week to stop Z's visits with her, but the judge said he isn't going to hear the motion until we get to court.  So, I had to take both boys to the visit today.  When we got there, the mom said she wasn't feeling well and wasn't sure how long she could visit.  I have been able to watch the visits, through a one way glass, so I stayed and watched as the visit started.  The mom sat on the couch and interacted only when she had to with the boys, especially Z.  She did talk more with G, but still not much.  A few times, Z asked for something, like paper to draw, and she told him where he could find it, but didn't get up to help him.  A few times, she made Z give a toy he was playing with to G because "it was time to share".  She can't even let them enjoy themselves, because she isn't enjoying herself.  She doesn't want to be at these visits any more than anyone wants her there.  She knows this is all coming to an end and at this point, can't even pretend she wants to be with her kids.  I just don't see how a mother could feel this way about her children.  If I was only able to see my kids for 3 hours a week, you better believe I would be squeezing every second out that I could.  Anyway, after an hour, she came out and said she was finished for today and needed to leave.  The visit was supposed to last 3 hours. 

Last week, the visit started with just Z in the room, and then after an hour, it was supposed to switch and she would have just G.  10 minutes into the visit, Z said, "I want Mommy".  The mom asked him to repeat it, and he said it again, as calm and matter of fact as could be, "I want Mommy".  She knew he wasn't talking about her.  She came out and said he needed to come out of the visit because he wanted me.  She didn't try to redirect Z or try to keep him in with her for even just a few more minutes, she just brought him out.  The visit was over, after just 10 minutes.  I think she has totally checked out of this situation.  She knows the kids shouldn't be with her, especially Z, and she is done. 

I have to say, I am ready for this to be done too.  G is going to be going home in 2 weeks and Z is going to be a part of our family forever.  I am ready to start the next part of our lives, and for all these parts of our life causing turmoil to be over.  I know that even after Z is adopted and G is with his dad, things will never be totally over.  G and Z are still brothers.  We will always be a part of each others' lives, but we will finally be able to feel like a normal family again. 

It's not technically news yet, but it's good!!!

A huge thing happened this week. The caseworker, case manager, and CASA met with G and Z's mom and me. They basically said a bunch of stuff that everyone already knew; the mom is not making progress with her parenting skills, she has no bond with Z and doesn't seem to be interested in forming one, and Z is having tons of behavior problems as a result of his visits with her.

State law says that once a child is removed from the home for 15 out of 22 months (doesn't have to be consecutive but it is in this case) a petition to terminate parental rights has to be filed. So, DCS will be filing that on both boys during our court date May 9. But, because the mom has expressed that she does want G and she has done fairly well with him during visits, DCS will be asking for his termination case to be dismissed. That doesn't mean she automatically gets custody. Nothing will change right now as far as what the mom gets with G. What will change with G is DCS will be asking for G's dad to begin his trial home placement. That means G will be going to live with his dad on or around May 7. DCS labels it as a "trial home placement" because that allows them to remain involved and keeps G's case open for 3 months. I think things will go well. G's dad has definitely shown several times and different ways that he wants G and that he is ready to be a dad. I think he can do it, especially with all the support he has. The huge thing came when they moved on to talking about Z (not that G leaving isn't huge to us). No one will be asking for the termination case to be dismissed on Z like they will be for G. There are a few ways this could go... 1) DCS files for termination and a new case is opened where DCS presents all the evidence they have to say why rights should be terminated (and there is a lot of evidence). 2) the mom relinquishes her rights voluntarily and saves us all from having to hear all that evidence and the adoption would take place in a few months. 3) the mom signs her rights over on a form called "termination with the intent to adopt", in that case Nathan and I are named directly on that paperwork as the adoptive parents and the whole thing is done quickly (a couple months). She said she wants option 3. I was so surprised, and ecstatic, to hear her say that. If she follows through with this, Z will be a permanent part of our family really soon. The good thing is, it doesn't matter if she follows through or not, all three of those options result in us adopting Z. It's just that option 3 is the quickest and least traumatic. Also, no matter what, we all agreed (including the mom) that visits with Z need to stop now. I really think as miserable as Z has been during these visits, she is just as miserable. (Don't judge me for enjoying the fact that she's miserable just a little). So, hopefully, today was the last time our little man will see his biological mom. I can't wait until his case is closed and he is a Coe forever.

So a lot of changes are coming soon and all at once. It is going to be hard to tell G goodbye. We have raised him from the time he was 6 months and now he's 20 months old. We have tried to keep our emotions in check and not let ourselves forget he is here only until his family is ready to have him back. Still, we are very attached to him. I truely love him the same as I love any one of the other kids. Only, with him, I have made myself reserve a tiny bit back so I could deal with him going without a breakdown. I'm happy though for G and his dad. That is where he belongs and being where they belong is what I want for all my kids. One good thing about this situation is G's dad has told me he wants G to have a relationship with his brother. So, hopefully we will be able to meet up every now and then so the boys can see each other. I think knowing that our goodbye next month won't be a forever thing makes this all so much more tolerable. Plus the fact that we now know for sure that Z is not going anywhere softens the blow of saying goodbye to G. What a bittersweet day May 7 will be!

Someone would bail me out right?

So this past weekend was rough, Z was having a really hard time after his last visit. He has never had outbursts like he did last weekend. But, each day, things got better. By Tuesday or so, he was back to his usual happy self. Thank goodness.

But, here it is Friday again. Visit day. We will be starting over again. And if things follow on as they have been the last few weeks, the next few days will only be worse than the bad days we had last week. It sucks. I hate having to send this sweet boy into a situation I know will be so hard for him that he will act out for the next 3 or 4 days in his attempt to deal with what he's going through.

That's where the bail money comes in. Yesterday I was thinking, wouldn't I do anything for my kids to keep them safe? Yes, of course I would. So, to keep Z safe, I need to keep him out of these visits. But, the judge hasn't said visits can stop yet. So, if I refuse to take Z, I am in contempt of court. And I have been told I wouldn't do very well in jail. So, I guess I won't be needing that bail bondsman just yet. Besides, how can I take care of 5 kids from a jail cell?!

What's the opposite of progress??

That's what we are making with little Z, the opposite of progress.  As he continues to have visits with his mom, his behavior continues to get worse.  She has been coming to every visit since she learned it would be a violation of her parole not to, so we have been having to take Z and G every week.  For the first few months we had Z, his mom was visiting only intermittently.  It was nice!  But now, she hasn't missed a visit in almost 2 months.  Z has been having giant melt downs, hitting the other kids, yelling and kicking all over the place.  The weekend is the worst because the visits are on Thursdays or Fridays.  Our court date has again been pushed back, so we have to keep taking the boys to their visits.  It just isn't fair.  We are very frustrated right now.  But, we can see an end to all this, even if it continues to inch farther away with all these court continuances.  Even so, there will be an end.  So, we will keep dealing with the behaviors and hope they go away once the visits stop.  Thankfully, that crazy little G doesn't seem to be fazed by the visits.  He has such a different personality from Z.  I think "goofy" is a good way to describe him.  He just doesn't have a care in the world.  And, spending an hour and a half with a lady who he doesn't know from Adam isn't going to bother him any. 

Here is our house so far....

The kids have been so excited to see the progress.  We go over every evening and look at all the work that has been done.  G and Z find the pile of pea gravel and toss little rocks at each other.  Hannah and Addison inspect their rooms and see if they approve.  It really has been fun so far.  Hopefully it will continue that way!!

Really??!

Our court date was continued again. Another one of the lawyers had a schedule conflict evidently. We don't have a new date yet, but the caseworker is expecting it to be in about two weeks. The only good thing about this delay is it should give the caseworkers more time to get things together to move all of this along. So, in the meantime, we will continue to wait and keep going along like we have been. Send some patience this way of you have any extra, I know I could use it!

P.S. our house has outside walls, a plywood roof, and interior studs! Things are moving on that front at least! If I can figure out how, I will try to put some pictures on here.

Don't you get attached?

I don't know how many times I have been asked that question. It's either that or, "I could never give them back". So, maybe I should address those things.

First of all, yes, we do get attached to the kids. How could we not? We are taking care of them 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. We are the ones who are comforting the kids when they miss their parents, when they fall and scrape their knee, when they are upset and just don't know why. We are also there when the kids are laughing while Hannah chases them around the house or Addison plays ball with them. We are there to fix meals and give bottles in the middle of the night and change poopy diapers. While the kids are here, they are part of our family. They go to birthday parties for our nieces and nephews, they go to Christmas dinner, they go to the grocery store with us. We try to make the kids feel as much a part of things as our girls are. They need that. They can't be with their biological family right now, for whatever reason, so we are the next best thing (and the only thing they have for the moment). Just because the kids are in foster care doesn't mean they don't need to feel as if they belong in our family, even if it is going to be temporary. It is so important for kids to have bonds with others and if their parents aren't with them enough to have a strong bond, we are there for them.

As far as "giving them back", we always know from the start that these are not our kids, not yet anyway. They are here for us to care for, and love on, but they still have a family. It's hard not to say, "we are a better family for them, we will give them more opportunities and stability than their biological family ever could, so they should stay with us". But, that's the easy thing to say. It's not our job to decide where is best for the kids (that being said, we certainly have strong opinions, but those don't count for much). Our job is to take care of the kids until they don't need us anymore, or until they need us forever. It's confusing sometimes and always complicated, but isn't that life?

When we got G, he wasn't quite 6 months old and he was tiny. He was covered in bruises and just seemed so helpless, which he was. I couldn't imagine DCS or a judge allowing him to go back to a family that put him into this state. I was instantly in love with him. I hoped every day for a while that I would get a call saying he was never going back and he would be with us forever. But, now, I know he has a dad who cares a lot for him and has learned a lot from all the programs DCS has put him through. I feel like he is ready to be a dad now. Will he do everything for G that we would do? No. Will he take G to the zoo and the children's museum like we do? Probably not. Will he make sure G eats nutritious foods, gets to bed at a decent time, and gets to school on time every day? Some of the time, probably. But,despite all that, he loves G and will give him the best life he can. And, G will be with his biological family. In this case, I think that is best.

Yes, it will be hard to see him go, but it has been a slow process and we have gotten a chance to see G's dad prove himself as a father. We have had a lot of time to adjust to him leaving. Not only that, but we have tried to remember every day that he is with us temporarily (even on those days I hoped for that call). Every time the girls have said something like "I bet G will love to go swimming this summer!", we respond with "if he's still with us". It has just become part of things for the girls, I'm so proud of how they have handled all this.

So, yes we are attached to the kids, but in a healthy way. And yes it is hard to see them go, but we know that is the plan from the start. So, everyone that says they could never do foster care because they couldn't "give the kids back" could do it if they remembered the purpose of foster care in the first place. Yes, we went into this with the intention to adopt, but, each time a child has been placed with us, we have known they may only be with us until it's time for them to go home. Sometimes it helps to think of ourselves as babysitters, really underpaid, long term, never knowing when the gig is over, babysitters!