Don't you get attached?

I don't know how many times I have been asked that question. It's either that or, "I could never give them back". So, maybe I should address those things.

First of all, yes, we do get attached to the kids. How could we not? We are taking care of them 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. We are the ones who are comforting the kids when they miss their parents, when they fall and scrape their knee, when they are upset and just don't know why. We are also there when the kids are laughing while Hannah chases them around the house or Addison plays ball with them. We are there to fix meals and give bottles in the middle of the night and change poopy diapers. While the kids are here, they are part of our family. They go to birthday parties for our nieces and nephews, they go to Christmas dinner, they go to the grocery store with us. We try to make the kids feel as much a part of things as our girls are. They need that. They can't be with their biological family right now, for whatever reason, so we are the next best thing (and the only thing they have for the moment). Just because the kids are in foster care doesn't mean they don't need to feel as if they belong in our family, even if it is going to be temporary. It is so important for kids to have bonds with others and if their parents aren't with them enough to have a strong bond, we are there for them.

As far as "giving them back", we always know from the start that these are not our kids, not yet anyway. They are here for us to care for, and love on, but they still have a family. It's hard not to say, "we are a better family for them, we will give them more opportunities and stability than their biological family ever could, so they should stay with us". But, that's the easy thing to say. It's not our job to decide where is best for the kids (that being said, we certainly have strong opinions, but those don't count for much). Our job is to take care of the kids until they don't need us anymore, or until they need us forever. It's confusing sometimes and always complicated, but isn't that life?

When we got G, he wasn't quite 6 months old and he was tiny. He was covered in bruises and just seemed so helpless, which he was. I couldn't imagine DCS or a judge allowing him to go back to a family that put him into this state. I was instantly in love with him. I hoped every day for a while that I would get a call saying he was never going back and he would be with us forever. But, now, I know he has a dad who cares a lot for him and has learned a lot from all the programs DCS has put him through. I feel like he is ready to be a dad now. Will he do everything for G that we would do? No. Will he take G to the zoo and the children's museum like we do? Probably not. Will he make sure G eats nutritious foods, gets to bed at a decent time, and gets to school on time every day? Some of the time, probably. But,despite all that, he loves G and will give him the best life he can. And, G will be with his biological family. In this case, I think that is best.

Yes, it will be hard to see him go, but it has been a slow process and we have gotten a chance to see G's dad prove himself as a father. We have had a lot of time to adjust to him leaving. Not only that, but we have tried to remember every day that he is with us temporarily (even on those days I hoped for that call). Every time the girls have said something like "I bet G will love to go swimming this summer!", we respond with "if he's still with us". It has just become part of things for the girls, I'm so proud of how they have handled all this.

So, yes we are attached to the kids, but in a healthy way. And yes it is hard to see them go, but we know that is the plan from the start. So, everyone that says they could never do foster care because they couldn't "give the kids back" could do it if they remembered the purpose of foster care in the first place. Yes, we went into this with the intention to adopt, but, each time a child has been placed with us, we have known they may only be with us until it's time for them to go home. Sometimes it helps to think of ourselves as babysitters, really underpaid, long term, never knowing when the gig is over, babysitters!

It's possible to be discouraged and encouraged in the same day?!

I didn't know it before, but after yesterday, I found out it is possible to be discouraged, disgusted, angry, excited, encouraged, and happy all in the same day. Another perk of foster care I guess.

Yesterday morning started off with the bad news. I found out W's mom has again had drug screens positive for cocaine. The past two tests the caseworker gave were positive, plus one her drug counselor gave her before that. I knew about the one from the drug counselor, we found out about that a few weeks ago. When that happened, we all expected this case to move backward several steps, even though that isn't what any of us wanted (us being Nathan and I, the CASA, and the therapists working with the mom). We were all so surprised and thankful when the caseworker basically said she was giving W's mom a free pass with that screen. But, with the past two being positive as well, the free pass is long used up. So, starting with the next visit, visitation is again supervised. This is a huge step back. I honestly don't know what to think or what will happen. This is where the disgusted feeling comes in. I feel like I put my confidence in this mom to get her son back, and that would be what was best for W. But now, I feel betrayed. I feel like this mom took advantage of me, and the rest of her supporters, by going back to a behavior she knew would only hinder W coming home. Does she not want him coming home? Are her own desires more important than having her son in her life? I don't know. I do know that drug addiction is a serious thing, and not something that can be dealt with and overcome in a few weeks or months. But, honestly I don't believe W's mom is addicted to drugs. If she was truly an "addict" her levels would not be at the "trace" level with every test. She isn't using cocaine daily and she isn't using it in very large amounts. I feel like she is using when someone comes over and wants to get high with her and she doesn't have the confidence or guts to say no. Regardless of her motivation for using again after she had been clean for almost two months, I just don't understand it and I have lost a lot of faith in her getting her son back. If she can't stay clean or keep the people bringing the drugs out of her life long enough to get her son out of foster care, how is she going to stay clean once he's home. So, that was the bad news.

Then, yesterday afternoon, we got some good news. Steps have been taken to move things forward in Z's case. What's funny is, in this case, I consider "moving forward" as something that gets us closer to adopting Z, not getting closer to him going home. It's the exact opposite from how I feel about the other boys' cases. Actually, I think I consider moving forward as anything that gets the kids closer to being where they need to be, being in the situation that is best for them. I guess I see staying with us as what is best for Z. I know I am biased because I am crazy about him, but I really do believe he belongs in our family. But anyway, I can't really give details until it's done, but know that things are "moving forward" for Z. And that is very exciting, encouraging, and makes me happy!

Court date was continued....

The court date we were nervously waiting for hasn't happened yet. One of the lawyers asked for a continuance because he was going to be out of town. So, we are still waiting. But, I found out it may not be so bad that we have to wait because DCS doesn't have their end of things done to ask for what we were waiting on anyway. I doubt they will have everything ready by the new court date (April 5), but at least I know that ahead of time now.

We are still dealing with the temper tantrums with Z, but now, I'm starting to think they are happening as a result of Z having consistent visits with his mom. For the first time in several months, she has came to four visits in a row. The visis stress him out, and with them being every week, he doesn't get a chance to regroup before the next one comes along. I have talked to the CASA and the case manager about his behavior and they both agree it is the visits that are most likely the cause of his change in behavior. An interesting thing has happened that supports this theory. Z has always loved his case manager. She is the one who has supervised all of his visits and really been the only positive, consistent person for him. But recently, his attitude toward her has changed dramatically. This past week, we saw her outside the building where the visits are held and Z immediately hid behind me and starting saying no. He has begun to associate her with his mom and doesn't want anything to do with either one. The CASA was upset to hear this, but not surprised, because the visits just haven't been going well at all. She is petitioning for visits with Z and his mom to stop. Both her and the case manager feel they are harmful to Z. I also told them I feel that me bringing him to the visits is harmful to our relationship. Z and I have definitely bonded, but it feels like I am betraying his trust when I take him to visits that I know are miserable for him. How can a two year old understand that I am taking him because I have to, not because I want to. I really hope these visits stop soon.

With all that being said, Z really is doing great. He is so precious. We are all crazy about him.

W continues to have unsupervised visits with his mom. Next Saturday, her visit time will increase so she will have him all day. Then in a few weeks, she will get him all night and then all day Sunday too. I hope things continue to go well for her and W. Little W is still having trouble with his swallowing. He is still on thickened formula and eating stage 2 baby foods. We have tried giving him the dissolvable puffs a few times, but he ends up gagging and then throwing up anything and everything that was in his stomach, which is not a pleasant experience. The trouble he is having is most likely a result of him being born 10 weeks early, and possibly the fact that he had no prenatal care. Hopefully, with continued speech therapy, he will continue to make improvements and be caught up to his peers. It would be great if he could enjoy his birthday cake next month!

G is hopefully going to be able to return to unsupervised visits with his dad soon, maybe by next weekend. I talked to his dad for quite a while yesterday after their visit and he seems anxious to get G home. I hope things work out for them too.

Our Z has been about the same this week. He's been getting mad at me some. It turns out he has a temper. It's hard not to get mad right back at him, but being a mature adult :) I have tried to calmly talk to him and help him calm down. I also try to remember that he is 2 1/2 and the saying "terrible twos" is around for a reason.

The upcoming court date has been continued until April 5, so we have a few more weeks of waiting. After talking to our caseworker this week, I'm not totally sure what all will be happening during that hearing, but I know the caseworker is expecting the judge to be unhappy with all the parents. G's dad failed that drug screen, so he's in trouble. G and Z's mom has missed several visits after he specifically told her she needed to be at every visit, so he won't be happy with her. And Z's dad hasn't done any visits or even made an attempt to contact Z or anyone involved in the case since Z was removed from his home in November, so I can't imagine what the judge will say about that. Of course, G's dad hasn't had any bad drug screens since the one, so that will help him. This judge is known to feel strongly that kids should be with their biological families when at all possible, (which I agree biological family should be the first choice in most cases) so I'm guessing he will give G's dad a good tongue lashing and then move on. We will see.

A team meeting was held to decide how to proceed with W's case. It was decided that visits will be increased slowly, building up to overnight visits a few weeks from now. Another meeting is scheduled for the middle of May where a trial home placement will be discussed. So, if everything continues to go smoothly, W will be home in the middle of May. W's mom seemed excited about how things are going. I'm happy for her, which I told her the other day. I hope she knows how I feel about her. I think she might, too. The other day when I was dropping W off for a visit, she asked me to come in for a minute. She said she needed to ask a favor of me. She asked if I would be willing to write her a letter that she needed as part of her substance abuse rehab program. I agreed to do it for her, not knowing what on earth I would say. In the letter I was supposed to tell how her substance abuse had affected my life. Since the only reason she is in my life is because of her substance abuse, I had to say it had a pretty big and direct impact on me. It was a hard letter to write, but I did it. --Another way she has managed to get me way out of my comfort zone!! Anyway, I was supposed to seal up the letter so she could give it to her instructor. He then read the letter in front of her and the rest of her class, then they had a discussion about it. It was hard for me to write that letter, but I can't imagine what it was like for W's mom to hear it, not knowing what it would say, in front of a group of people. She thanked me the other day for writing it for her.

Our house is moving along. The basement is done and framing is supposed to start this week. If things continue along as planned, it is scheduled to be done in the middle of July. Let's just hope building a house moves along more smoothly than foster care!

Adjustments

I think our little Z is going through another adjustment period. He has been fussy and getting upset easily. He's been here with us for almost 4 months now. When he first came, things went so smoothly, I knew it was too easy. Z has moved around so much in his short life that when he came here, I think he just saw it as another place to stay for a few days. We ran into the boys' old babysitter several months ago, and she told us that his mom would drop Z off at her house and leave him for several days until it was time to take him to his dad's. I was amazed by that. So I can only imagine what Z thought that day the caseworker brought him here, "well, this must be my new babysitter!".

Now, I think he's realizing he has been here for a while and isn't sure what to do with that. Life has taught him so far that he lives with some people for a time, those people may pay little attention to him, or only pay attention to him when he gets in trouble, and then he gets dropped off, someplace to stay with the next set of people. I hope he can see that it is different here. We have tried to help him understand that we want him to be here and this is what it is like to be in a family.

He has definitely formed bonds with all of us. He calls the girls by name and asks for them when they are at school. He gets so excited when Nathan gets home in the evening, he runs to the window and yells "DADDYS HOME!". It's so sweet. He comes to me and wants hugs and attention. And he comes to one of us, usually, when he is upset. He asks us for snacks or to play with toys with him. So I know we have made great strides in the right direction.

But, he's taken a couple steps back lately. He has been doing things like hitting the other kids, yelling when he gets upset or just running away from us and trying to hide for a few minutes. None of these behaviors have been severe enough to be alarming, it just makes me think he's not sure what to think about things and this is his way of telling us that. I expected this to happen at some point, and honestly, it has been much less than I expected. Especially considering all Z has been through. I guess it's just another testimony to how resilient kids are.

So we are going to keep loving on this little guy and keep watching him adjust to being part of a loving family. Even if we have to put up with a few tantrums along the way.

There are up sides too ....

My last post was pretty riddled with complaints. I was just so mad with that lady, but really, I shouldn't have been so surprised that she would do that. She doesn't really have a record of rational behavior.

Anyway, there are so many good things about being a foster parent, and being a parent in general for that matter. I have been amazed at how Hannah and Addison have handled all of this. They have been amazing big sisters to all these boys. I try hard not to make them responsible for taking care of the boys, I mean Nathan and I are the parents, Hannah and Addison are the kids. There are times where I need their help holding someone while I make a bottle, or I need them to run and find a pacifier while I change a diaper, but as a general rule, I don't make them help take care of the boys. That being said, both girls do so much for their little brothers. Just this morning, Hannah made breakfast sandwiches for the boys after she was finished making her own. I didn't ask her to, she just saw something that needed done, so she did it. Addison is great at providing entertainment when someone is being fussy. She does that all the time, and can usually pacify whoever is crying until I get the problem taken care of. Both girls have handled all the change and craziness we have thrown at them remarkably well. They have had to learn to share Nathan and I with needy boys. They have adjusted to a busy routine after having a pretty quiet one. And they have moved into the role of being foster sisters to whoever has come along and needed them. I'm just so crazy about those girls.

Then there are the boys. Just this morning I woke up to a little voice beside my bed saying, "mom". And when I picked him up into my bed, Z reached over and gave me a big hug and laid beside me until we were ready to get up. Then there was little W, he greeted me with a big smile when I got him up a little while ago. G squealed with laughter as Nathan was getting him out of his crib this morning. All of the boys have transformed from scared, skinny, developmentally behind kids to healthy, growing, on target little boys. Its been amazing to watch.

So, even after all that griping, I'm not ready to throw in the towel just yet. At least not as long as the rewards keep rolling in.

What are these people thinking?

A few days ago, we had the most beautiful weather. We spent the entire afternoon outside playing. When it was almost time to come in, G fell down on our back patio. He hit his head and scraped it up pretty good. It looked yucky right away, so I took him in and put ice on it for a few minutes. I went ahead and emailed the caseworker about it since I knew it was going to leave a bruise and a scrape. We went on about our evening and I didn't give it a second thought. G had a visit with his dad the next day and I was sure to tell him about G's head. He was really nice about it and said "I know, he falls all the time here too". No big deal.

Well, fast forward to today. The boys had a visit with their mom today. She only gets one hour a week with the boys and she has missed the last two weeks, plus several other weeks, so at this point, she is basically a stranger to them. Her visits are supervised. The supervisor watches though a one way glass from the next room. She texted me right after the visit started and said that the mom was taking pictures of G's bruise on his head and so she had asked someone from DCS to come down and look at it also. I was so mad. How could this person be trying to get me into trouble when I am the one taking care of her son while she was the one beating him?! The way she thinks is unbelievable to me. I really can't understand how she rationalizes her actions. I fumed about it all day. Its just frustrating.

Anyway, the caseworker came down and told me not to worry, G's scrape and bruise were obviously a result of a normal fall. She also let me know that the last drug screen she did on G's dad was clean, so after two more he gets to go back to unsupervised visits. So, we will wait and see how it all comes out.