In one word? BUSY!!
Life got so crazy when we got the boys. It was a big adjustment taking care of two --and now three-- extra kids, but honestly, taking care of the kids has been the easy part. What is hard is all the appointments, visitations, therapies, plus the normal family and household stuff.
Visitation has been the biggest consumption of time and by far the biggest source of stress. G has went from having two visits a week with his mom and then two with his dad for 1 1/2 hours each, then down to one a week with his mom for 3 hours and 3 a week with his dad still at the 1 1/2 hour time frame, and now to 1 hour a week with his mom and 4 visits for 8 hours each with his dad. It has been crazy. I have made uncountable trips to visitations. At least now, his dad brings him back to our town after his visit and I just meet him. W's visits have been more stable at 3-4 a week for 4 hours each in his mom's home (which is in the opposite direction as G's). His are more simple just because of the fact his dad is in jail and therefore doesn't visit. And Z goes to the same visit as G with their mom, so that isn't any extra trips. His dad was granted weekend visits, but hasn't done one or even seen Z since he was placed with us in November. So right now, we have 8 visits spread between Monday and Saturday. BUSY!!
Fostering has been a big test of our patience too. I would consider Nathan and I both fairly patient people, but we have both been tested pretty good through all this. Foster kids tend to have behaviors as a result of their environment that take a new kind of patience than we had experienced before. The first Z, who was 3 1/2, tested our patience the most, obviously because he was the oldest and most verbal. He was overall a good little boy, but would hit and pinch a lot. He also just demanded a lot of my attention, which I tried to give him because I felt like he needed some extra attention after all he had been through. And, because was older, he knew who his parents were, loved them despite everything, and wanted to be with them. I think a part of him thought that if he misbehaved enough, I would get fed up and send him back to his parents. He would do things like, any time I told him "no" for anything he would say "I'm telling my mom on you!". Let me tell you, if you want a test of your patience, try having a 3 year old threaten to tell on you to the person who treated him like crap and beat the daylights out of his baby brother! Several times I wanted to tell him how I felt about his statement, but I didn't, thank goodness.
The other issue we had with big Z came after his weekends with his dad. We would finally be making progress with his behavior and then Friday night would come and he would be gone until Sunday evening. Then, it was like we started from scratch all over again. I know his dad loves him and wants what's best for him, but I also know his dad's parenting style and expectations are very different from ours. We are starting to have this trouble with G. He goes to his dad's 4 days a week from 8 am till 4 pm. I think he is being taken care of over there, but again, it's just a different lifestyle than here and G is getting stuck in the middle. He is at an age where he really understands a lot about what is going on around him, but he doesn't have any way to express himself besides throwing temper tantrums --which we are seeing a lot of--. I think G will settle into a routine soon and adjust to everything because he is so young, at least for our sanity I hope he does.
Speaking of behaviors as a result of their environment, Z (that we have now) had so much going on when he came. He barely talked, but was fluent in four letter words. Not only could he say swear words, but he used them appropriately! Imagine this tiny 2 1/2 year old playing with his truck, when it falls off the table and out of his mouth comes "Oh, F$&@!". There's not much you can say to that! And the thing about it was, he wasn't saying these things to get a reaction from us or push our buttons, it was simply the way he talked. We ignored it and within about two weeks the bad language had disappeared. Z had lots of other behaviors, but I will tell you about them in a later post.
But fostering isn't all stress and headaches. It has been so rewarding to watch changes take place in the boys. Z went from being scared of his own shadow to running around the house chasing the girls and squealing with laughter. G went from a bruised up 6 month old who couldn't sit up, roll over, or support his own weight when you held him upright, to a typical and happy baby. Both boys have gained weight and are catching up on the growth charts.
So, being a foster parent is pretty challenging, time consuming, stress inducing, and REWARDING!
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Thursday, January 26, 2012
There are more?
So I told you about G and how he will likely be going home soon. And we talked about W and how he will go home if his mom can get her priorities in order. But I haven't told you yet about Z number 2. I mentioned a few posts ago that there are 3 boys in G's family. We got G and his oldest brother last February. On that same day the middle boy went to live with his dad (he is also a Z and from this point on he will be the one I'm referring to when I say "Z"). Confused yet?
Well, last November, when Z came for a visit with his mom, he had several bruises on his face and body. The caseworker was very concerned and asked me that day if we would take Z if he ended up being removed. I told her we would, and then I called Nathan and explained the situation to him. He said "did you tell her we would take him?". I was glad we were on the same page about this.
A couple days went by and we hadn't heard anything. I had the feeling that Z was supposed to be with us and had had that feeling for a while. So I called the CASA (court appointed special advocate) and left her a message asking what was going on with things. I didnt hear anything back from her either so we just waited "patiently" for a few days. A few more days went by and I got a call from the caseworker. She said she knew I had said we would take Z as a foster placement, but she wanted to know if we would consider adopting him. What!? Adopt him?! Of course we would!! I couldn't believe she was saying this. She went on to say that they were going to request a court order to have Z removed from his dad's custody and wherever they moved him this time, they wanted it to be for good. She said they would likely get the order in a couple of days.
We weren't sure what to do, it looked like a pretty sure thing that Z would be coming, but we had learned our lesson in that department when it comes to DCS. We talked to the girls about things and got as much ready at home without doing anything drastic, just in case. The next day, I got the call that he was for sure coming. Our licensing worker called too and made sure we had everything in order. She also was going to have to change our license to include 3 additional children instead of 2. She also reminded me that this was still a foster placement despite what the caseworker had said. I guess she wanted us to stay realistic about the situation. That would be the responsible thing to do after all. :)
We went into crazy mode again. We called everyone, got everything together, and hurried up at work to get home. The caseworker brought him by around 2 in the afternoon. My mom came over since Nathan couldn't get off work yet. He came in and looked around. He saw G right away and said "Bubby!". I tried to give him some space and just be near in case he needed something. He was the most skiddish kid I had ever seen. He didn't cry much, he just kept his distance from mom and I. He tolerated us picking him up and was happy to let us make him a snack. We made him some food and he couldn't get enough. He ate and ate. Not only did he eat what we gave him, he grabbed all he could hold and hoarded it until he couldn't eat any more. I just tried to keep his hands full and be there for him.
It wasn't long before the girls came home from school. We had talked to them about the possibility of Z coming, but the final decision had happened while they were at school. They were so excited to have a new brother in the house and he was excited to see other kids to play with. Z seemed to be more comfortable with the kids, rather than with me.
So, once again, our family had another dose of instant growth. We had gained a sweet, but shy and scared 2 1/2 year old who barely talked, weighed 23 pounds, and was nearly the same size as his 15 month old brother. It was a hectic day, but all in all, it was good, it felt right.
Well, last November, when Z came for a visit with his mom, he had several bruises on his face and body. The caseworker was very concerned and asked me that day if we would take Z if he ended up being removed. I told her we would, and then I called Nathan and explained the situation to him. He said "did you tell her we would take him?". I was glad we were on the same page about this.
A couple days went by and we hadn't heard anything. I had the feeling that Z was supposed to be with us and had had that feeling for a while. So I called the CASA (court appointed special advocate) and left her a message asking what was going on with things. I didnt hear anything back from her either so we just waited "patiently" for a few days. A few more days went by and I got a call from the caseworker. She said she knew I had said we would take Z as a foster placement, but she wanted to know if we would consider adopting him. What!? Adopt him?! Of course we would!! I couldn't believe she was saying this. She went on to say that they were going to request a court order to have Z removed from his dad's custody and wherever they moved him this time, they wanted it to be for good. She said they would likely get the order in a couple of days.
We weren't sure what to do, it looked like a pretty sure thing that Z would be coming, but we had learned our lesson in that department when it comes to DCS. We talked to the girls about things and got as much ready at home without doing anything drastic, just in case. The next day, I got the call that he was for sure coming. Our licensing worker called too and made sure we had everything in order. She also was going to have to change our license to include 3 additional children instead of 2. She also reminded me that this was still a foster placement despite what the caseworker had said. I guess she wanted us to stay realistic about the situation. That would be the responsible thing to do after all. :)
We went into crazy mode again. We called everyone, got everything together, and hurried up at work to get home. The caseworker brought him by around 2 in the afternoon. My mom came over since Nathan couldn't get off work yet. He came in and looked around. He saw G right away and said "Bubby!". I tried to give him some space and just be near in case he needed something. He was the most skiddish kid I had ever seen. He didn't cry much, he just kept his distance from mom and I. He tolerated us picking him up and was happy to let us make him a snack. We made him some food and he couldn't get enough. He ate and ate. Not only did he eat what we gave him, he grabbed all he could hold and hoarded it until he couldn't eat any more. I just tried to keep his hands full and be there for him.
It wasn't long before the girls came home from school. We had talked to them about the possibility of Z coming, but the final decision had happened while they were at school. They were so excited to have a new brother in the house and he was excited to see other kids to play with. Z seemed to be more comfortable with the kids, rather than with me.
So, once again, our family had another dose of instant growth. We had gained a sweet, but shy and scared 2 1/2 year old who barely talked, weighed 23 pounds, and was nearly the same size as his 15 month old brother. It was a hectic day, but all in all, it was good, it felt right.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Never a dull moment!
I've been writing most of these posts quite a while after the fact. I have debated back and forth about whether or not I really want to do this blog thing. I have had so many things running through my mind since we started this whole process and I feel like I need to get it down some place other than my head. So, I'm going to catch things up and then try to stay updated along the way from here on out.
During the last post I told you about how we got W. So, after that, we still had G, who was about 11 months old, W who was 3 months old, and of course Hannah and Addison who were 5 and 7. Our house was full, and busy. But, it was good.
The caseworker let me know that during the initial hearing, the judge denied visitation with W's mom because she would not give an explanation of how W's ribs got broken. She wouldn't say anything about it, not even just that she didn't do it. I think she was probably afraid of the dad, even though he had been taken to jail and would be staying there for a while. But, either way, she did not get visits with the baby and the next court date was about a month away so nothing would change until at least that time.
At that time, G was having two visits a week with his mom and two with his dad. That was the hectic part of our life, trying to juggle trips to visits four days a week with work, getting the girls to and from school, and taking care of 2 babies. We had been told in the beginning that G's dad was not in the picture, but it turned out that he was beginning to look like the better parent.
It was hard to think that G could go to live with his dad. My first impression of him wasn't good. He just struck me as a bad dude. He had a couple of arrests on his record plus Z had told us some unpleasant things about him. But, as time went on, he kept proving his dedication to G and to doing what he needed to so he could get his son. Now, 11 months after this case started, G is getting unsupervised visits with his dad 4 days a week for 8 hours each day. It's looking like G will be living with his dad before long, my guess is about 2 more months. I think I'm ok with it. Nathan and I love G so much, but so does his dad. And shouldn't he be with his family if they truely want him and will take good care of him? I think so. It is hard to accept sometimes, but I keep going back to what I told the girls the other day---- what if they were put in a different family, who was a nice family, and had to stay there just because that family liked them. That wouldn't be fair at all. I want G to know that we love him, but we also want what's best for him, not what's easiest for us.
So back to W. He is 9 months old now. He is doing great; rolling over, trying to sit up, cooing, being a happy baby. My relationship with his mom is so different than with G's mom. First of all, I like her. She is easy to like. She is nice to me and Nathan, she expresses appreciation for us taking care of her son, she is crazy about her baby boy, she wants her baby back. All those positive things are the complete opposite of how things go with G's mom. A few months ago, everything was lined up for W to go home. The caseworker had arranged a schedule to allow for increasing visits and overnights so W eased back into his mom's home. We were completely comfortable with the whole thing. I was sure she was going to take good care of W. I had seen her interact with him enough that I knew she would cherish him like we do, like any family should. But, then a big, giant wrench was thrown into the wheel--- the caseworker was fired. Turns out she wasn't doing her job very well. The new caseworker jumped into this case with both feet. She looked at everything. She quickly discovered that the mom was taking drugs, serious drugs. The whole plan was scratched. W's visits went back to being supervised, there were no over nights, and there was no date in sight of him going home. That's where we stand now, supervised visits three times a week, a mom who is still wonderful with her son, but can't manage to pass a drug screen. And, surprisingly enough, I still like her.
During the last post I told you about how we got W. So, after that, we still had G, who was about 11 months old, W who was 3 months old, and of course Hannah and Addison who were 5 and 7. Our house was full, and busy. But, it was good.
The caseworker let me know that during the initial hearing, the judge denied visitation with W's mom because she would not give an explanation of how W's ribs got broken. She wouldn't say anything about it, not even just that she didn't do it. I think she was probably afraid of the dad, even though he had been taken to jail and would be staying there for a while. But, either way, she did not get visits with the baby and the next court date was about a month away so nothing would change until at least that time.
At that time, G was having two visits a week with his mom and two with his dad. That was the hectic part of our life, trying to juggle trips to visits four days a week with work, getting the girls to and from school, and taking care of 2 babies. We had been told in the beginning that G's dad was not in the picture, but it turned out that he was beginning to look like the better parent.
It was hard to think that G could go to live with his dad. My first impression of him wasn't good. He just struck me as a bad dude. He had a couple of arrests on his record plus Z had told us some unpleasant things about him. But, as time went on, he kept proving his dedication to G and to doing what he needed to so he could get his son. Now, 11 months after this case started, G is getting unsupervised visits with his dad 4 days a week for 8 hours each day. It's looking like G will be living with his dad before long, my guess is about 2 more months. I think I'm ok with it. Nathan and I love G so much, but so does his dad. And shouldn't he be with his family if they truely want him and will take good care of him? I think so. It is hard to accept sometimes, but I keep going back to what I told the girls the other day---- what if they were put in a different family, who was a nice family, and had to stay there just because that family liked them. That wouldn't be fair at all. I want G to know that we love him, but we also want what's best for him, not what's easiest for us.
So back to W. He is 9 months old now. He is doing great; rolling over, trying to sit up, cooing, being a happy baby. My relationship with his mom is so different than with G's mom. First of all, I like her. She is easy to like. She is nice to me and Nathan, she expresses appreciation for us taking care of her son, she is crazy about her baby boy, she wants her baby back. All those positive things are the complete opposite of how things go with G's mom. A few months ago, everything was lined up for W to go home. The caseworker had arranged a schedule to allow for increasing visits and overnights so W eased back into his mom's home. We were completely comfortable with the whole thing. I was sure she was going to take good care of W. I had seen her interact with him enough that I knew she would cherish him like we do, like any family should. But, then a big, giant wrench was thrown into the wheel--- the caseworker was fired. Turns out she wasn't doing her job very well. The new caseworker jumped into this case with both feet. She looked at everything. She quickly discovered that the mom was taking drugs, serious drugs. The whole plan was scratched. W's visits went back to being supervised, there were no over nights, and there was no date in sight of him going home. That's where we stand now, supervised visits three times a week, a mom who is still wonderful with her son, but can't manage to pass a drug screen. And, surprisingly enough, I still like her.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
She sure is having them close together!
That's what my grandpa said, jokingly of course, when he found out we had picked up a new little guy. W was 3 months old, but very premature so he was more like a new born in both size and behavior.
I was glad both Nathan and I went to the hospital to pick him up. We ended up being there for a few hours while the caseworker did paperwork and the doctors finished up their stuff. We got a lot of information from the caseworker. When we got the other boys, they had been in foster care for about 3 days already, so we weren't there for their initial removal, but this time we were. W's mom was there at the hospital. The caseworker had us wait in a different room, but we could see her across the hall. If she saw us, I don't think she knew that we were the family there to pick up her son. Finally, the caseworker had enough evidence and paperwork to tell the mom that her baby was being removed. She told her and then the mom was escorted out by a couple of police officers. She left without a fuss and then the caseworker came over and got us.
I held W first. He was beautiful. He had the most beautiful deep brown complexion I have ever seem. His hair was soft as could be. He was very alert and just looked up at me. I was worried he would be sore because of his broken ribs, but he didn't seem to be uncomfortable at all. We were there for probably another hour while things were finished up. I wanted so bad to take a picture of this beautiful baby and send it to everyone we knew, but it just didn't seem like the appropriate thing to do. At least not while the caseworker was standing there! It's such a time of mixed emotions. We were excited to have a new little one, one that based on the situation seemed like it could easily turn into a long term situation, and then on the other side, a mom just had her baby taken away. And, this sweet baby had just been through an awful ordeal which resulted in him being taken to the ER by police officers. So, we more or less kept our feelings to ourselves until we left the hospital.
We had a little more information about W then we had gotten about the other boys. We were told the dad was likely the abuser, mom was intoxicated at the time of the incident that prompted removal, and the mom had a history with DCS. The caseworker told us she would let us know what happened at court the next day and to go ahead and head home.
So, we left the emergency room with a new baby. This sweet little guy came to us with literally only the diaper he was wearing. Thank goodness it was warm out, and I had brought a blanket. We headed to the store and picked up the special formula he was on due to his prematurity, some clothes, and some tiny diapers.
By the time we got home it was almost 6 am. Mom got right up and admired the new guy. And Nathan and I waited anxiously for the girls to get up. They had no idea we had been gone half the night and certainly no idea they would wake up with a new baby brother.
Addison was the first one to get up. She came into the living room and did a double take. It only took about 2 seconds for her to say "I want to hold him!". Then Hannah came in. Her first question was "does he still have a family?". We explained that he did and he was in foster care just like G and Z. She said OK and took her turn loving on him.
It was quite a day. But, we like excitement around here, so no complaints from me!
I was glad both Nathan and I went to the hospital to pick him up. We ended up being there for a few hours while the caseworker did paperwork and the doctors finished up their stuff. We got a lot of information from the caseworker. When we got the other boys, they had been in foster care for about 3 days already, so we weren't there for their initial removal, but this time we were. W's mom was there at the hospital. The caseworker had us wait in a different room, but we could see her across the hall. If she saw us, I don't think she knew that we were the family there to pick up her son. Finally, the caseworker had enough evidence and paperwork to tell the mom that her baby was being removed. She told her and then the mom was escorted out by a couple of police officers. She left without a fuss and then the caseworker came over and got us.
I held W first. He was beautiful. He had the most beautiful deep brown complexion I have ever seem. His hair was soft as could be. He was very alert and just looked up at me. I was worried he would be sore because of his broken ribs, but he didn't seem to be uncomfortable at all. We were there for probably another hour while things were finished up. I wanted so bad to take a picture of this beautiful baby and send it to everyone we knew, but it just didn't seem like the appropriate thing to do. At least not while the caseworker was standing there! It's such a time of mixed emotions. We were excited to have a new little one, one that based on the situation seemed like it could easily turn into a long term situation, and then on the other side, a mom just had her baby taken away. And, this sweet baby had just been through an awful ordeal which resulted in him being taken to the ER by police officers. So, we more or less kept our feelings to ourselves until we left the hospital.
We had a little more information about W then we had gotten about the other boys. We were told the dad was likely the abuser, mom was intoxicated at the time of the incident that prompted removal, and the mom had a history with DCS. The caseworker told us she would let us know what happened at court the next day and to go ahead and head home.
So, we left the emergency room with a new baby. This sweet little guy came to us with literally only the diaper he was wearing. Thank goodness it was warm out, and I had brought a blanket. We headed to the store and picked up the special formula he was on due to his prematurity, some clothes, and some tiny diapers.
By the time we got home it was almost 6 am. Mom got right up and admired the new guy. And Nathan and I waited anxiously for the girls to get up. They had no idea we had been gone half the night and certainly no idea they would wake up with a new baby brother.
Addison was the first one to get up. She came into the living room and did a double take. It only took about 2 seconds for her to say "I want to hold him!". Then Hannah came in. Her first question was "does he still have a family?". We explained that he did and he was in foster care just like G and Z. She said OK and took her turn loving on him.
It was quite a day. But, we like excitement around here, so no complaints from me!
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Here we go again!
So our family of 6 didn't last long. Z went home in March and we enjoyed the calm for a couple of weeks. By April though, I was ready for another placement. I started watching my phone again for THE call. It was probably May when a possible new development happened.
See, there are actually 3 boys in this family. They all have different dads. G's dad was arrested at the same time as the mom and Z's dad was not involved in the situation at all --that's why he was able to have weekend visits and then go to live with him permanently. Well, the third little boy, who was actually between the other two boys in birth order, was placed with his biological dad on the same day that we picked up G and Z.
I met this third little guy several times, his dad brought him to the same visits with the mom at the same time as G and Z. He seemed to have had the most difficulty over the course of his life. Neglect had played a big part in his short 18 months. But, after being placed with his dad, he started making great strides.
So, during one of the mom's visits, she discovered some bruises on this little guy. The dad was questioned and the little boy was examined. During this time, it wasn't really known what was going on. We were told that if abuse was happening, we needed to be prepared to take him since we already had his half brother. We didn't know what to think. So, we waited by the phone for a few days. We didn't get any calls and the next time I took G for a visit, the caseworker didn't have anything to say about the situation, so I figured it was all ok. I later saw the dad and he was frustrated by the whole thing. He felt like the mom was trying to cause him trouble because she doesn't like him. He said the little guy was still learning to walk, so of course he had bruises, he was falling down a lot. So, nothing came of that situation and I went back to keeping one eye on my phone.
Then, the wake up call came at 2 am on July 20th. A baby had been brought to the ER by the police following a domestic violence incident. It was discovered he had 4 broken ribs, which had not been broken that night. The baby needed an emergency placement in foster care. When my phone rang at 2 am, I was sure it was going to be a wrong number. I was shocked when the man calling said "Shannon, are you awake?" It took me a few seconds, but I eventually got woke up enough to answer. I'm really not sure what all I said to that poor caseworker, but I hope I made some sense at least. He went on to tell me about the baby and asked if we would take placement of him.
I had gotten Nathan awake while I was talking and I was quickly relaying the information on to him so he was up to speed. He kept saying, "that's two babies, that's going to be a lot. Are you sure?" I knew it would be hard to have an 11 month old and a 3 month old, but from the things the caseworker had told us, it was looking like this could end up being an adoptive placement. I just couldn't let that pass by.
I told the caseworker that we would take the baby. He had the investigative caseworker, who was at the hospital with the baby, call us and give us more instructions. She called a few minutes later and said we needed to come to the ER to get the baby. We got up and dressed, called my mom and got the infant seat all ready. Mom got there in about 15 minutes to stay with the kids and off we went.
See, there are actually 3 boys in this family. They all have different dads. G's dad was arrested at the same time as the mom and Z's dad was not involved in the situation at all --that's why he was able to have weekend visits and then go to live with him permanently. Well, the third little boy, who was actually between the other two boys in birth order, was placed with his biological dad on the same day that we picked up G and Z.
I met this third little guy several times, his dad brought him to the same visits with the mom at the same time as G and Z. He seemed to have had the most difficulty over the course of his life. Neglect had played a big part in his short 18 months. But, after being placed with his dad, he started making great strides.
So, during one of the mom's visits, she discovered some bruises on this little guy. The dad was questioned and the little boy was examined. During this time, it wasn't really known what was going on. We were told that if abuse was happening, we needed to be prepared to take him since we already had his half brother. We didn't know what to think. So, we waited by the phone for a few days. We didn't get any calls and the next time I took G for a visit, the caseworker didn't have anything to say about the situation, so I figured it was all ok. I later saw the dad and he was frustrated by the whole thing. He felt like the mom was trying to cause him trouble because she doesn't like him. He said the little guy was still learning to walk, so of course he had bruises, he was falling down a lot. So, nothing came of that situation and I went back to keeping one eye on my phone.
Then, the wake up call came at 2 am on July 20th. A baby had been brought to the ER by the police following a domestic violence incident. It was discovered he had 4 broken ribs, which had not been broken that night. The baby needed an emergency placement in foster care. When my phone rang at 2 am, I was sure it was going to be a wrong number. I was shocked when the man calling said "Shannon, are you awake?" It took me a few seconds, but I eventually got woke up enough to answer. I'm really not sure what all I said to that poor caseworker, but I hope I made some sense at least. He went on to tell me about the baby and asked if we would take placement of him.
I had gotten Nathan awake while I was talking and I was quickly relaying the information on to him so he was up to speed. He kept saying, "that's two babies, that's going to be a lot. Are you sure?" I knew it would be hard to have an 11 month old and a 3 month old, but from the things the caseworker had told us, it was looking like this could end up being an adoptive placement. I just couldn't let that pass by.
I told the caseworker that we would take the baby. He had the investigative caseworker, who was at the hospital with the baby, call us and give us more instructions. She called a few minutes later and said we needed to come to the ER to get the baby. We got up and dressed, called my mom and got the infant seat all ready. Mom got there in about 15 minutes to stay with the kids and off we went.
Saturday, January 7, 2012
More changes!
A couple of weeks after we got the boys, Z started having weekend visits with his dad. DCS had wanted to immediately place him with his dad, but because of a minor blip on his criminal check, it was delayed. Z was excited to go to his dad's and his dad was pretty excited to see him that first time. It was a reaction like I had expected, and that was reassuring. The visits seemed to be going pretty well. Z started going every weekend until DCS was able to grant temporary custody to the dad. It ended up taking about 6 or 7 weeks. I was happy for Z and his dad when we found out Z was going to get to go for good. But, I was worried that I would be upset once the time came for Z to leave since we probably wouldn't see him much, if any, from that point on. But, Nathan took the day off and took Addison and Z to the zoo for the day. I put together a photo album with pictures of our times together, along with some pictures of G. We got all Z's clothes and toys together and reminded him several times that this weekend when he went to his dad's he would be able to stay and not come back to our house.
We dropped him off with his dad and said our goodbyes. It went so smoothly and as we drove away, I still felt good about things. Taking care of Z Had been challenging at times, for sure, but it still had been a good experience. The thing that made it all ok was the fact that I knew his dad wanted him and was going to do his best to take care of him.
I saw Z just a week later when his grandma brought him, and I brought G to visit with their mom. He still looked happy and his grandma reassured me things were still going well. Her and I talked for the entire visit time. She thanked me several times for taking such good care of Z. She told me he was like a new child now and she attributed that to his time with us. That was a great thing to hear.
We dropped him off with his dad and said our goodbyes. It went so smoothly and as we drove away, I still felt good about things. Taking care of Z Had been challenging at times, for sure, but it still had been a good experience. The thing that made it all ok was the fact that I knew his dad wanted him and was going to do his best to take care of him.
I saw Z just a week later when his grandma brought him, and I brought G to visit with their mom. He still looked happy and his grandma reassured me things were still going well. Her and I talked for the entire visit time. She thanked me several times for taking such good care of Z. She told me he was like a new child now and she attributed that to his time with us. That was a great thing to hear.
Making the adjustment
We had quite the adjustment ahead for us. Not only did we go from 2 children to 4, but the two new ones were boys, and this household has historically been ruled by estrogen. Boys are such a different ball game. Z just did things in a different way. He played different games and reacted to us differently, and of course there is the matter of the different bathroom habits.
Well, we setteled down into a pretty good routine quickly. Night time went better and better each night. Z went from being wide awake till 11:00 to being ready for bed and falling asleep quickly at 8:00. The baby began sleeping mostly through the night and taking 5 or 6 oz of a bottle at a time rather than 2 or 3 oz. The girls may have had the biggest adjustment. They were used to a calm, mostly predictible routine and throwing in a 3 year old and 6 month old put a giant wrench in that! Z had outbursts from time to time and he would hit and pinch. Addison would yell at him whenever she thought he might be about to pinch her, it got crazy at times. But we muddled through and pretty quickly learned how to function as a family of 6. We were having fun.
Then, as always, all good things must come to an end. That's probably a bit over dramatic, but a huge crimp was put on our routine with a call from a social worker.
The case manager, not to be confused with the caseworker, called. She works for an independent agency and is in charge of supervising visitations, among several other things, for the boys. She was calling to tell me she needed to schedule visitation with the mom for the boys. The mom was going to get 2 visits a week for an hour and a half each. The visits would be at the DCS office and supervised by the case manager.
I wasn't sure what to think, the caseworker was fairly sure the mom was the abuser. And as the person who had been taking care of a horribly bruised up 6 month old, the last thing I wanted to do was meet the person who was capable of doing that to him. Let alone leave him and Z with her twice a week. How could I build trust with these boys when I kept taking them to see this person? But again, this was just part of the process.
I was afraid to tell Z we were on our way to see his mom because I didn't know how he would react if she didn't show up. So when we went up to DCS he had no idea what was going on. As we walked up, Z held a blanket for G and walked beside me up to the office. As we were going in, he stopped and handed the blanket to a lady sitting on a bench, then came right back to my side. I went back and got the blanket and apologized to the lady. As we stepped into the office, Z said, "that's my mom". It was the most calm, matter of fact thing. I had no idea it was her. I guess I just expected a different reaction, from both of them. If I hadn't seen my child for a few weeks and he had been staying with a family I had never met, I'm pretty sure I would have had an emotional response to seeing him! But, it was just another thing to add to this whole fostering experience. There was a reason this lady's kids were in foster care.
I don't get to see the visits, I had to just wait for it to be over. So I really had no idea what was going on in that room or how the boys were reacting to their mom. The case manager told me later that things went ok, but she really wouldn't elaborate, so I had to just leave it at that. So, that is how the next chapter of this experience started.
Well, we setteled down into a pretty good routine quickly. Night time went better and better each night. Z went from being wide awake till 11:00 to being ready for bed and falling asleep quickly at 8:00. The baby began sleeping mostly through the night and taking 5 or 6 oz of a bottle at a time rather than 2 or 3 oz. The girls may have had the biggest adjustment. They were used to a calm, mostly predictible routine and throwing in a 3 year old and 6 month old put a giant wrench in that! Z had outbursts from time to time and he would hit and pinch. Addison would yell at him whenever she thought he might be about to pinch her, it got crazy at times. But we muddled through and pretty quickly learned how to function as a family of 6. We were having fun.
Then, as always, all good things must come to an end. That's probably a bit over dramatic, but a huge crimp was put on our routine with a call from a social worker.
The case manager, not to be confused with the caseworker, called. She works for an independent agency and is in charge of supervising visitations, among several other things, for the boys. She was calling to tell me she needed to schedule visitation with the mom for the boys. The mom was going to get 2 visits a week for an hour and a half each. The visits would be at the DCS office and supervised by the case manager.
I wasn't sure what to think, the caseworker was fairly sure the mom was the abuser. And as the person who had been taking care of a horribly bruised up 6 month old, the last thing I wanted to do was meet the person who was capable of doing that to him. Let alone leave him and Z with her twice a week. How could I build trust with these boys when I kept taking them to see this person? But again, this was just part of the process.
I was afraid to tell Z we were on our way to see his mom because I didn't know how he would react if she didn't show up. So when we went up to DCS he had no idea what was going on. As we walked up, Z held a blanket for G and walked beside me up to the office. As we were going in, he stopped and handed the blanket to a lady sitting on a bench, then came right back to my side. I went back and got the blanket and apologized to the lady. As we stepped into the office, Z said, "that's my mom". It was the most calm, matter of fact thing. I had no idea it was her. I guess I just expected a different reaction, from both of them. If I hadn't seen my child for a few weeks and he had been staying with a family I had never met, I'm pretty sure I would have had an emotional response to seeing him! But, it was just another thing to add to this whole fostering experience. There was a reason this lady's kids were in foster care.
I don't get to see the visits, I had to just wait for it to be over. So I really had no idea what was going on in that room or how the boys were reacting to their mom. The case manager told me later that things went ok, but she really wouldn't elaborate, so I had to just leave it at that. So, that is how the next chapter of this experience started.
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