Court was delayed again!

Nathan says I shouldn't have been surprised, but I was.  About an hour before court was supposed to start, I got an email saying court was being continued because the judge was out and would be until the end of the year.  One of the lawyers is out all of January.  So, this court date that was first scheduled in June, may happen in February.  But again, that isn't set into stone.  There isn't a specific date set yet and as we have been shown over and over, having a date on the docket doesn't mean anything will actually happen. 

I asked if visits could at least be reduced if this case is going to be drug on longer.  I haven't gotten an answer yet, but I think something is in the works.  Visits are still not going smoothly and are getting worse as this goes along. 

On a great note, yesterday marked one year since we finalized Alexander's adoption!  I can't believe its been a year already.  But at the same time, he's such a big part of our family that I can't believe its only been a year.

Not much has happened in Isaiah's case since my last blog entry.  The second half of court was rescheduled for a date a few weeks ago.  But, both parents' lawyers neglected to notify them of the rescheduled date, so neither parent showed up.  How would they when no one told them when to be there?  So, now the next court date, and hopefully the last, will be in the second week of December.   I am really hopeful that parental rights will be terminated before the end of the year. 

Until rights are terminated, Isaiah continues to have one visit weekly with his mom.  Its a supervised visit that lasts 3 hours.  The reports I'm getting from the supervisor are that visits are not going as well as they used to and are getting worse as this goes on.  I think the mom is over this about as much as I am and its getting harder and harder for her to keep up good appearances at her visits.  It would be hard to visit with a child that you know your relationship with is about to be over.  But, that doesn't justify her giving up.  It does, however, help our case to terminate rights. 

Isaiah seems to be doing fine with the visits though, so I'm not too worried about him.  He doesn't seem to have any behaviors or effects when I pick him up.  I'm thankful for that.

I continue to be amazed by Alexander.  His relationship with us continues to evolve. He has never been very open to getting affection.  I know boys are just more active and busy.  They don't want their mommy hugging and smooching all over them when they could be playing with Lightening McQueen and Buzz Lightyear.  But "being busy" is not it with Alexander.  When he got a hug, he would wiggle away as fast as he could.  He looked like he was so uncomfortable that he just couldn't take it and had to get away as fast as possible.  But that's starting to change.  He doesn't get that claustrophobic look as much any more.  He even asks for hugs sometimes.  He sits on my lap when we watch a movie rather than sitting near me on the couch.   When he gets up in the morning, he will climb into my bed and cuddle for a few minutes (its a rare occasion that I get up before the boys do).  He's more loving toward us and lets us give him more affection too.

We were at our nieces' birthday party last weekend.  That was where I saw these changes go from happening in the comfort of home to extending to other family members too.  Alexander sat on his aunts' laps.  He talked to everyone.  He even asked to stay the night like the older kids were doing.  He did great.  It just makes me happy.

He is just growing up and maturing too.  He's excited about starting kindergarten next year (I think he will be ready next year).  He is into the pleasant fours rather than the terrible threes (Threes are much worse than terrible twos in my opinion).  He is a very sweet brother to his siblings (most of the time).  When he gets himself a snack, he always gets one for Isaiah too.  He is always the first to ask if someone is OK when they fall down or cry for some reason.  He's very caring.

I love watching these changes in him.  Its the best reward of being a parent when your child does something to make you proud of them. All of my kids make me proud everyday. Maybe just to balance things out though, they argue and fuss too.  I'm sure its for my own good, my kids wouldn't want me to be too proud of them.  Its all about balance!

Me? Stubborn?

I was talking to a friend tonight about how things went in court today.  She told me she admired us for doing all this and fighting for this little boy of ours.  My response was "Thanks, but I think we just didn't know what we were getting ourselves into!". When I told Nathan about my conversation, he said, "What do you mean we didn't know, they talked a bunch in training about how these cases can go". 

I don't like to be wrong.  And I really don't like to admit when I'm wrong.  So, I'm going to take the route of, "I did know what foster care could be like, but I had to verify it for myself to make sure what I was told was actually true".  And.... its true.

We went to court today and after an anguishing few days preparing myself for it, we still don't know anything.  I knew we wouldn't have an answer today because the judge always takes several days to make a decision in a termination case.  But, maybe just to solidify my lesson on how the trainers were in fact right when they said these cases can be long, drawn out, and stressful, the second half of today's court date was continued.  CONTINUED!!  That means no decision today, no decision next week, maybe not even next month.  Its hard to say when court will be rescheduled because some of the lawyers are about to go on vacation.  And, of course they aren't all off during the same week, so that will draw this out even longer. 

So, OK, OK, I admit it.  If I didn't know before what kind of journey we were embarking on, I know it now.  I'm not stupid enough to say when its going to be over either.  I will just get back on the crazy bus and see where it takes us. 

Anyone want to make me a stiff drink?

Court was actually today... 

We have court tomorrow.  This will be the hearing to terminate parental rights for both of Isaiah's parents.  Once parental rights are terminated, we can move towards starting the adoption process.  So, tomorrow is a very important step. 

The part that makes me think about needing a new method of stress relief is the court hearing itself.  No one is positive things will go like we think they should.  I met with everyone involved including the DCS lawyer this week.  He felt like this really isn't a strong case.  He feels termination is the right step, but he isn't totally confident that the judge will grant termination.  He feels there just isn't a lot of strong evidence against the mom.  Which is true, she has been a participant in this all along, but hasn't done anything beyond participate.  There have been concrete issues such as drugs, and she has been caught in lies.  But she has never missed a visit and she is good with Isaiah during her visits.  The thing is, no one can be sure the judge will see the issues as enough to warrant termination.

I wasn't sure the lawyer would want to have me testify because I didn't know how much I would be able to contribute.  But, it turns out he is going to ask me about several things in court.  So I will have to testify.  I'm not looking forward to it.  Both parents will be in the court room, along with their lawyers, and of course the judge, and that will be it.  No one else is allowed in during these hearings.  So, that means I won't know what else has been said, how things seem to be going, nothing.  I will just go in, take the witness stand, and answer questions.  I'm hoping the parents' lawyers won't ask me much. 

We won't have the judge's decision for a few days.  He will hear all the testimony tomorrow and make a decision next week. 

If he decides termination isn't appropriate, the case will basically start over. 

So, my nerves are a bit on edge today. 

Could it be?

We finally have a new court date for TPR, September 20.  That means this case could be over in a month.  Of course, the chances of it going on longer are always there, it was supposed to be done in June.

I'm going to be so relieved when this is all done.  Its been a headache for it to go on so long, but its been also nerve racking.  I have no doubt that the dad's rights will be terminated.  But, I'm reluctant to be so confident about the mom's rights.  I'm sure it will get done, but there's always the chance that the judge will feel there isn't enough evidence to justify terminating mom's rights.  I know she can't be a full time mom, but she has a lot going for her too.  She loves Isaiah.  She is good to him during visits.  She has never missed a visit-- in two years time.  But that's not to say she's a model parent either.  She's had several positive drug screens.  She has lied about who lives with her.  She has been kicked out of drug treatment twice.  And there have been other issues come up through out the past 2 years.  So, even though I think its a cut and dry case, I'm not the judge.  Plus, my view might be somewhat skewed, I mean I have taken care of this little boy since he was a tiny baby.  He's a part of our family now.

So, hopefully this will be done next month.  Then, no more visits! We can start the adoption process!  We will be one giant step closer to having a new permanent member of our family!

I think Isaiah is going to be in foster care until he starts kindergarten! Maybe not quite that long, but that's not too much of an exaggeration.  The original court date for termination was in the beginning of June.  It was continued until August 10.  Now, it has been continued again.  The caseworker told us she thinks it will be October before we get another date.

So, if rights finally get terminated in October, we will still have to wait 6 months before we can finalize his adoption.  So that means, the earliest will be April of 2014.  Isaiah will turn 3 in April.  He came to us when he was 3 months old.

I know lots of cases go on this long, but its frustrating that now its the lawyers who are dragging this out.  Both parents have public defenders.  Both of those lawyers have asked for continuances because of schedule conflicts.  Its just frustrating. 

But it will get done eventually.  And then this little guy will be a Coe forever.

The Terrible Twos are in Full Swing!

Isaiah has discovered that he has a temper.  And, he has decided that he needs to continue trying out this temper to see what will happen.  He must feel like he hasn't perfected the art of throwing a tantrum yet because he practices frequently throughout the day. 

I know its a normal part of being two, but I hope he figures out soon that throwing a temper tantrum equals not getting what he threw the tantrum about in the first place.  I don't know how many more tantrums my sanity can calmly take. 

We still don't know for sure how being exposed to alcohol prenatally will affect him, but so far I don't think these tantrums are related to that.  His mom has said she drank throughout her pregnancy, and my guess is she used cocaine too since she has used regularly for the last 2 years, so we know he was exposed. 

The doctor has said it is a good sign that he has hit his developmental milestones within the normal range.  But, she says we could still see issues once he gets to be school age.  Hopefully not, but we will cross that bridge when we get there.

I hate to admit it, but he does do some questionable things sometimes. He is always getting himself stuck places.  He gets stuck under the kitchen chairs quite frequently! Its pretty much a daily occurrence that I hear his little voice yell "Mom! I stuck!!" followed by me trying not to laugh as I discover exactly what he's stuck in this time.  The picture below should give you a pretty good idea of what I'm dealing with!

All joking aside, and if I overlook the two year old stuff, this is a pretty awesome little boy.

Waiting, still waiting...

Things have not went as expected lately as far as Isaiah's case goes.  We were supposed to have the final hearing for the termination of parental rights last week, but it was continued due to a conflict in one of the lawyer's schedules. 

I hate when court gets continued.  I don't like going to court anyway.  But when I know its coming up, I get myself mentally prepared for it.  Then, when it gets continued, I have to go through all that again.  And, this was the worst hearing to be continued.  It would have been the last time we had to go to court with these parents.  And, afterwards, visits should have been done for good.  And, most importantly, we would have been able to get started on the adoption process.

Now, we are still doing weekly visits with the mom and still waiting on a new court date.  I'm guessing it will be about a month away.  But its hard to say for sure. 

I am surprised by this, but I think the mom is almost as ready for this to be over as I am.  She has been acting differently at the visits lately.  She doesn't try to pick up Isaiah when we get there, she hardly says hello to him, and she barely says goodbye when we leave.  It makes sense that she would start to distance herself from him at this point, its probably her way of protecting herself from all of this.  But at the same time, she knows she can end all this by voluntarily signing over her rights.  She has made it clear she won't do that though. 

There is something else going on with her, but I haven't figured out what it is yet.  She cut her hair and started wearing it a different way a couple weeks ago (after wearing it exactly the same for the 2 years I have known her).  She has also been wearing new clothes and shoes (after wearing worn out things all this time).  And some different furniture has appeared in her apartment.  So, money is coming from somewhere.  And she doesn't have a job. I don't know if its a new boyfriend or a new money making venture (we know she has done prostitution in the past), or family could be sending money, who knows.  I'm so thankful visits are supervised!

But, even though we don't know when it will be yet, there is an end in sight. So, we will all continue to muddle through until court happens.

The awkward stage has begun....

Isaiah's case is nearing the end. We all know it. We all know how things will go. 

I think Isaiah's mom is well aware that her time with him is limited.  She knows we have said we want her to continue a relationship with Isaiah after termination, but I'm sure she also knows we won't be bringing him over to her house once or twice a week and leaving him for a few hours.  Its going to be more like we may meet her at the park and she can play with Isaiah for a little while every few months. 

I know Isaiah will adjust to fewer visits without a problem.  He has a relationship with his mom, but its not a parent/child relationship.  For the last 22 months, he has spent a couple of hours at a time with her, usually with another adult present, and then I come pick him up and we go home.  He likes seeing her, but he will be fine with not seeing her too.  His mom on the other hand, will have a hard time with not seeing him so often.  She feels she she has a bond with him like a mother should and loves him very much.  I know she is unhappy with how this has ended up and is dreading the end of weekly visits.  But, she has been the one in control of the fate of this case. Feeling like a mother is different than acting like a mother.  The mom has known what was expected of her from the beginning, yet she has made no changes in her life.  Right now, and no time in the future as far as I can see, will she be able to take care of Isaiah.  She can't keep him safe.  She can't put him first.  So, the case is going to be ending soon, and rightfully so.

All of this is common knowledge between us, the caseworkers, and the mom.  So, every time I take Isaiah to a visit, we have to muddle through a very awkward few minutes.  The case manager who supervises the visits is frequently a few minutes late because she comes directly from another appointment.  So that gives us those few more minutes to stand there waiting for her to get there.  Since its just me, the mom, and Isaiah-with Alexander usually waiting in the car not so patiently waiting, we stand outside my car and try to talk about Isaiah without actually discussing anything of significance or relevance to the case. 

Last week, Isaiah didn't want me to put him down.  When I did finally put him down, he turned right back around and reached for me while yelling "Mommy!".  Talk about awkward! I just picked him back up and hugged him, but didn't say anything.  Of course, his mom didn't say anything either. 
I don't know what to say.  "Sorry your kid looks to me as his mom instead of you, but its actually your fault so deal with it" doesn't rely seem like an appropriate option. So we stand there and comment on how Isaiah likes trucks and motorcycles. Its fun. Not. 

But, that's how this all goes. Its just part of the process. And, I know it could be worse. I could be standing there while the mom told me everything she hated about the way I am taking care of her son.  She could be blaming this all on me.  Or even worse, she could be mean to Isaiah during the visits.  But none of those things happen.  I am grateful for that.

 This will all be over soon and we can get into the groove of a normal family life. I don't think we will have too much trouble with that adjustment.

Alexander has been doing well.  His attitude continues to improve.  He is less moody than he was.  He's been driving me crazy with his whining, but that's normal 3 year old stuff.  I can see him continuing to develop relationships with us and our extended family.  That is a good thing for sure.  He just seems happier.  We saw a huge improvement in his overall mood right at first, but then it felt like he kind of stayed at that point for a long time.  Now, we are seeing improvement again.  It's slower improvement now, but I think that's a healthy sign.  

Here's the latest

A status hearing was held yesterday for W's case.  The fact finding hearing was set for June 7th. 

Since that is so far away, the caseworker is planning to reduce visits from two hour visits twice a week to three hour visits once a week.  I'm glad she is reducing them because I think it will help to make the transition from having visits to no visits easier for W and his mom.  This case is so much different from Alexander's.  In his case it was painful for me to take him to visits and this case is the opposite, I think I will feel guilty for not taking him.  I shouldn't feel bad because none of this is my fault.  And, I have encouraged this mom as much as I felt I could.  And, I know it is time to move on with things and have a permanent situation here for all of us. 

So, after June 7th, parental rights should be terminated for W.  He won't be legally free for adoption for another 6 months after that to allow for the appeals process, if either parent would choose to appeal.  During that 6 months, W will still technically be in foster care, but nothing will change as far as his placement with us and he won't have any more visits.  That means we can have our adoption attorney start the process some where around this December.  We were hoping to have his adoption done this year, but it looks like it will drag into 2014.  But, that's ok. 

Since this is all getting wrapped up now and it still looks pretty certain W will be staying with us forever, we have decided for sure about his new name. (Well the first name at least, we haven't settled on a middle name yet.)  So, if you see our little guy out and about you can call him Isaiah. 

The boys started at a new daycare last week.  I told them at the new place that they could all call him Isaiah because I new it would be easier to start out with that then try and change in a few months when they were all used to calling him by his birth name.  It is kind of strange when we walk in and everyone yells "Hi Isaiah!", but I'm getting used to it and I think he is too. 

People have asked me why we would change his name after we have called him that for so long.  We had thought about calling him Isaiah a long time ago, but we just couldn't bring ourselves to do it.  Its one of those defense mechanisms we use as foster parents.  Calling him by his new name is saying that he will be a permanent part of our family (at least that's how it feels to me) and that isn't something we could do before we were certain he would stay.  There have been two separate times that a date has been set for Isaiah to go home to his mom.  It was hard to deal with that both times, but we got to the place that we were ok with it.  I think we were able to cope pretty well because we had made sure to maintain enough distance.  Even though it seems like a simple thing, calling a foster child by the name we have chosen for them vs what their birth parents named them is a big step. 

I have talked before about the reason W needed a new name in the first place---he is named after a bad guy and we can't let him go through life with that as his role model.  

Well, even though its still going to be quite a while before this case is totally over, I'm excited that we now have end in sight.

Since I can't post any pictures yet of the adorable Isaiah, I will put on a few of the less adorable kids. 

Just kidding!  I think they are all adorable!  But Isaiah is pretty cute!!

Update on Mr. W

We went to court today for W's mom's initial termination hearing.  The dad's hearing was last week and he of course denied the termination (since this is all a conspiracy against him and all). 

We waited in the waiting area (which was packed) for about an hour and a half.  I hate that part. We always sit by W's mom, it would be weird to walk past her and sit across the room.  So anyway, there we are sitting by her, with the CASA on the other side and the case manager there too.  We all want to talk about the case because we don't have that many chances to get caught up on any changes that may be going on.  But, we can't really talk because the mom is sitting there, so we all scramble around to find something to talk about for what feels like an eternity.  The whole time the mom is sitting there looking like she could break down at any moment. Its stressful.

So, finally the caseworker called us back to the hall outside the court room because we were next.  We waited out there for another 10 or 15 minutes.  Well, Nathan gets fed up with everyone walking on egg shells all the time when he feels like they should be more upfront.  So, he says to the caseworker, while the mom is standing right there, "I just hope this all gets done soon, W is getting big enough that its going to start affecting him".  No one really says anything, but I'm pretty sure I felt daggers coming from the moms eyes and heading toward Nathan. 

So we went into the court room finally. The judge went through some technical stuff with the mom as far as what termination means and why DCS was requesting it.  He told her she could accept these charges and waive her right to a trial, but then he said he was accepting her denial.  I wasn't sure how he knew she wanted to deny since he didn't ask her, but that's what happened.  I'm sure she would have denied anyway. 

Then a weird thing happened.  The mom's lawyer started whispering to her and then he told the judge she wanted more visit time.  Where did that come from? We were there for termination.  The time for more visits has past (quite a long time ago!). The caseworker explained to the judge that she had planned to reduce visits soon because it was nearing termination.  The judge didn't make a decision right then, but said he will likely keep visit time at DCS discretion. 

Also, a fact finding hearing was not set because a status hearing was set for April 8.  I have never heard of a status hearing and I don't know why he set it. But he made it clear that the mom did not need to be there for it.  I guess, after this status hearing takes place, the fact finding will be scheduled.  All I took from that was this is all going to drag out longer. 

So, not much happened today and it took a long time to get that accomplished. 

Bonding

Everyone talks a lot about bonding with adopted kids.  Its a very important part of building a relationship between a parent and child.  The child needs to feel they are loved and need to feel attached to the parent and those feelings need to be reciprocated by the parent.  Its a long process and can be trying at times, but its so important.

With W, bonding hasn't been much of an issue, it just happened naturally.  We got W when he was 3 months old, so he has never known any family but us. He developed a bond with us just like a biological child would have.

But, Alexander has been different.  He was able to develop a bond and feel attached to me pretty quickly.  But, I had to put forth a lot of effort in the process.  I took 4 weeks off work when he came to us.  I spent those weeks spending as much time with him as possible. I tried to make sure I was as close to him physically as I could be, while not making him uncomfortable.  I gave him tons of hugs, and just touched him as much as I could.  I held him a lot.  I held his hand.  I made sure I was right there to comfort him when he fell down or was scared.  Of course I do those things for all the kids, but I put it into overdrive with Alexander. 

All of this bonding thing was on my mind today because I realized we are still forming that bond together.  I think bonding is an ongoing process with all kids (bio or otherwise), but even more so with Alexander. 

Today, Alexander had an eye appointment at Riley.  He had failed a vision screening at the doctor when we first got him so the doctor referred us to Riley.  He got the all clear today, so no more follow-ups are needed.  Anyway, Alexander spent the whole day with Nathan and I today.  He was really good at his appointment, but he was a little leery the whole time because he wasn't sure what was going to happen.  Because he felt uncomfortable, he made sure to stick close to Nathan and I. 

Now, that we are home, he's still right by my side.  He just came up to me and put his head on me and gave me a big hug.  He gives me hugs a lot, but he is not a lovey-dovey kid. So the fact that he has come up and hugged me several times today is really out of the norm for him. Sometimes I wonder if Alexander isn't overly lovey with us because he isn't a person who likes to cuddle, or is it a result of him not having the same bond with us yet. Either way, I am still seeing him build a stronger bond with us as time passes, even though he was been with us for so long. I guess I didn't think about this process continuing on for this long. But in a way, it makes sense. All relationships are always evolving.

Nothing much has happened yet....

We still haven't had the initial court date for termination of parental rights (TPR) for W. Everything that was scheduled for court the day our hearing was supposed to be was rescheduled for next month.  So, now our initial hearing is on March 18th for the mom.  The dad's is March 12th.  We still don't go to any of his hearings for safety reasons, so we will just have to wait and hear how that goes. 

One thing I did find out about involving the dad, at his last court hearing, the caseworker said she would grant visitation if the dad completed services 80% of the time for 30 days.  Services would include counseling, parenting classes, etc, that he has been court ordered to complete.  I know why the caseworker did this, she wants to be able to show in court that she has given the dad multiple chances to move forward in the case, but he hasn't followed through.  She will use this in his TPR case.  But, I was also a bit nervous about this.  I know she did it because she was confident he wouldn't follow through, but what if he did?  I am not OK with him having visits. Not even supervised ones.  But, as it turns out, the dad didn't make any appointments with his services; he's at 0%, no where near the required 80. So we can take a breath and not worry about him visiting.

W's mom hasn't said anything to me about TPR.  I didn't expect her to, but it is like the elephant in the room every time I see her now.  The first visit we had after all the paperwork came, she wouldn't look at me or speak to me.  I didn't take it personally, but it was still awkward.  To make matters worse, W is starting to talk and he now calls us mom and dad.  The other day when I went to pick him up from a visit, he ran up to me yelling "Mommy!" and grabbed my legs.  I picked him up and said, "yes, tell mommy goodbye!". It was not fun.  She didn't say anything, but I know it must be hurtful to see your baby run to another woman and call her mommy. 

But, on the other hand, I have been mommy to him since he was tiny.  He has been with me far more than with his birth mom.  Plus, this situation is not my fault, it is hers.

I think that is something I am finally seeing clearly. For a long time, I really felt sorry for this mom.  I wanted her to succeed.  I tried to help her out and encourage her as much as I could.  Sometimes I felt guilty that I was taking W home with me after a visit.  And, I do still like this mom.  And, I don't want her to fail.  But, she has been given so much support over the past 19 months that her failures can't be blamed on anyone but her now.  Caseworkers, therapists, the CASA, everyone has held her hand and guided her in the right direction.  But, she has repeatedly let go and ran back to where she started.  Its that fact that has brought me to the realization that its time for this to move on and for her to take a different role in W's life. His birth mom can't be his mom anymore.  She can still love him and keep a relationship with him, but not as a mother.  W needs more than what she is willing to offer.

That's the other part, its what she is willing to offer that is the problem.  If she wasn't able to give him what he needed, that could be fixed. But the fact is, she is perfectly capable of being a parent but chooses not to.  That makes this a whole other situation. 

So, things are at a standstill until we get into court, but everyone is pretty confident of what the outcome will be.

We knew the caseworker was planning to file termination on W's parents, but we hadn't heard the status of that for a few days.  The caseworker had hoped to have things ready so she could do the initial termination hearing when we were at court on the 14th, but she wasn't able to get that done.

Well, when I got the mail today, there was a copy of termination paperwork.  They filed on both parents and the initial hearings are in about 2 weeks.  That means things should be final, as far as the termination of parental rights in 6 weeks or so, unless it takes a while longer to get another court date.

What happens in this process is, the caseworker files termination of parental rights with the court.  An initial hearing is scheduled then.  At the initial hearing for Alexander, which is my only experience with this, the judge read the case number, said who was present, and asked the parents if they accepted or denied the charges.  I'm guessing that is how it will go in this case also.  If the the parents accept, I think the judge can grant termination then.  But if they deny, a Fact Finding hearing is scheduled.  It is supposed to be in 30 days.  The Fact Finding hearing is where DCS presents all the evidence they have as to why termination needs to be granted.

If the parents voluntarily give up parental rights (meaning it wouldn't have to get to the fact finding hearing), the judge will grant the termination and we can start the adoption process in 30 days.  If the parents won't consent and termination is granted involuntarily, we aren't able to start the adoption process for 6 months.  That time frame is there to allow the parents to file an appeal since they didn't consent to the termination.  During that 6 months, W would still technically be in foster care, but nothing would change.  Visitation would be stopped and we would just be waiting for the 6 months to end so we could make things official.

I haven't seen W's mom since this happened, his next visit is on Monday.  I don't know how she is going to react to this.  She knew it was coming.  I hope she will just go ahead and sign her rights over, but that is probably wishful thinking.  I am confident termination will be granted at Fact Finding, but it would be good if it didn't have to come to that.  The one that will probably hold things up is the dad.  He has maintained that this is a conspiracy against him and he was holding his son in a loving way when he was arrested, even though an entire SWAT team disagrees.  So, I don't see him consenting to anything.

I guess we never expected this to be a smooth process.  As long as it ends with W being in the best place for him, that's the important thing.

Love these guys!!

The other morning, I was laying in bed trying to avoid getting out of it while Nathan worked away in the basement.  All four kids had gotten up and made their way to my bed and joined together to try and ruin my plan of staying in bed. -- Basically, a typical Saturday morning at our house.

I asked the kids what they thought about W's name and what we should do if we adopted him.  We have always planned to change his name if we were able to adopt him.  I honestly can't stand his name, and the fact that he is named after his dad makes it even worse.  I feel like naming a child after someone is a way to honor that person and set an example for who you want that child to become.  W's dad is the last person I want any child to aspire to be.  He is violent and truely a bad guy.  So, a new name will be in order once/if W becomes a Coe.

Anyway, when I asked what we should change W's name to once we adopted him, Alexander said immediately, "But you adopted me!". I think he thought he was the only one who could be adopted around here.   I couldn't help but laugh.  I told him I knew we adopted him, but maybe we would be able to adopt W too.  He seemed ok with that answer.

Hannah suggested we give him the same middle name as Alexander, Ian, but I told her two brothers couldn't have the same name.  Then she brought up the good point that her and I have the same middle name.  So I didn't have much of an argument for that.

So, we don't have a definite name yet.  We are pretty set on the first name though.  I will share that with you once things are a little closer to being set.  We do have court tomorrow, which will be one small step, most likely.  Again, we don't want to get that cart before the horse.

What?!

Oh my goodness, this day! I have said so many times that foster care is a roller coaster ride, and it is!

I got a call from our caseworker today that W's mom has failed a drug screen.  That means termination will be filed now.  That means W isn't going home next month and probably not ever.

I honestly don't know how to feel.  I feel relieved, but at the same time I'm hesitant to feel relieved in case this roller coaster starts up again.

So many people say to us "how can you be ok with the kids leaving? Aren't you attached? They are better off with you."  But people who say those things don't really know how foster care is.  Not that I'm blaming them, I had no idea either before we jumped into it.  But yes we do get attached, yes we love the kids.  But, we keep in mind though all this that we aren't these kids' parents.  We are the ones who have, for some crazy reason, agreed to keep them safe and love them until their families can take over again.

I was uneasy about W leaving us.  But not because I just wanted him to stay with us.  I was worried because I don't think his mom can take over.  I don't think she wants to take over, I think she likes being with W and spending time with him, but I don't think she has it in her to be a full time mother.  She has proved that with her daughter.  She sees her daughter pretty regularly and gets to spend time with her, but ultimately she isn't her daughter's full time mother.  And, the mom is happy with that situation.   

W deserves a full time mother.  That's why I am scared for him to go home.

But, after today, I don't think I will have to be worried about that any more.

These emotions are crazy!  I am so happy that we will have another son.  But again, I can't put the cart before the horse, that wouldn't be the "foster parently" thing to do.  (My patent is pending on that new word I just created).  So maybe I should stick with taking the risk of being relieved for now.  I will move on to happy, or more like ecstatic, when we get through this next stage.

Change is coming...

Change can be good.  I like change really---it's exciting.

We had a meeting today with everyone involved in W's case to make a plan for the case.  Everyone agrees that 18 months is too long for this case to have gone on.  So, it was decided that W will go home next month.

Every time the case has gotten to this point, the mom has done something to slow things down or move them backwards.  She says she wants W home, but I'm not convinced she really does.  I don't feel like she has taken any steps to move forward from where she was 18 months ago.  But the problem is she hasn't done enough for her rights to be terminated and this case closed.  Since rights can't be terminated, they are sending W home.

That doesn't really seem logical, but I think the caseworker feels like she doesn't have a choice.  I also think she feels like it will take W being home for the mom to show her true colors and prove whether she will sink or swim.

So, in about 6 weeks, we will be down to a family of 5.  We haven't had just 5 of us for a while, 18 months to be exact!  What will we do with ourselves?

I will keep reminding myself that change is good.