So I really can't put the foster kids names on the Internet, so I will just use their initials. "Z" is the 3 year old and "G" is the baby.
Anyway, I couldn't wait for everyone to meet. We got to my parents' house around supper time. The girls had been waiting and waiting for us to get there. They ran in as soon as we walked through the door and bombarded the us and the boys with questions, greetings, hugs and kisses. Z was excited to see them also, as we had told him that we had two girls he would get to play with. The three of them bounced off the wall for quite a while. My mom came right to G and helped me change his diaper. I hadn't done a very good job of preparing her for his injuries. She was shocked and disgusted. I had been staring at him for the past 3 hours so I had already began to look past the bruises, but I was shocked again when we took off his diaper. The worst bruises were "down there" and it was awful. We couldn't imagine how anyone could have put those bruises on his body, not only how could they ever hurt a baby, but what could have physically happened to him to make bruises like that? Unimaginable.
So we all sat down and ate some supper we had brought over and then packed up to head home. Z was excited to see our house. We showed him his room and his bed, which he liked because it had Lightning McQueen on it, and made sure he knew where the bathroom was. He was a bit rowdy, but really, he was well behaved. We were all exhausted from the stress of the day and because it was getting to be our bedtimes, but Z insisted he was wide awake. Now, we know all the tricks for getting to stay up past bedtime, but something told us he was being sincere, afterall, this kid probably had never had a bedtime before. We let him stay up with us for a while reading books and watching cartoons. Finally, around 9:30 we decided we had to make an attempt to get Z to bed. We took him into his room and layed him down. We gave him a stuffed animal to sleep with and another book to look at. We tucked him in and gave him hugs and I told him I would stay in for a minute while he rested. I couldn't believe how well he was doing. I had been so worried about that first night with our new kids, but this was going great.
Well, of course I would think that about 2 seconds before disaster struck. It wasn't that bad, but Z did get pretty upset. He started crying and asking for his mom. It took a little while, but we got him calmed down. He finally went to sleep around 11 pm.
We went to bed then, but it was my turn to have trouble sleeping. I told Nathan that I didn't know what was wrong, I was sure tired enough, but I couldn't sleep. He said, "I know what's wrong, we picked up two boys today and they are asleep in the next room!". I guess he was right, I mean, how often do you get up one morning with two daughters and go to bed that night with two daughters and two sons? It was a bit surreal, but at the same time, it felt right.
The baby woke up a few times through the night needing a bottle, but overall the night went well. In the morning, Z got up, came into the living room, and sat beside Addison on the couch. He looked around and said "I think I like living here". It was so cute, but amazing to me at the same time. How could this 3 year old boy come into a house of strangers and decide it was a good place to live? My girls would have been screaming bloody murder if someone had picked them up and told them they had to stay there. It broke my heart to think about what his little guy had likely been through. He obviously loved his mom and missed her, but he was also content to stay with us. I later learned that his mom had been known to drop the boys off places and be gone for 10 days or two weeks at a time. So really, Z was used to this type of thing. After we had that first night under our belts, we began the process of settling in, teaching Z the rules of our household, and remembering what life with a baby is like.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Saturday, August 6, 2011
So we didn't get the baby girl. Like I said in the last post, I was disappointed. But, it was Ok, I knew going into this process that it wasn't going to be easy or simple. And, I knew that we had to trust the caseworkers and judges to make the right decisions for the kids. So, that is what we did. After all, we knew so little of the story about this baby girl, maybe her family was going to treasure her just like we would have and she will grow up wonderfully. So we moved on.
A few weeks later, I started getting this feeling that I really can't describe. It was a feeling of anxiousness, nervousness, excitement, and anticipation. I think I even told Nathan that I thought our licensing worker was going to be calling. It was a weird feeling, for sure. I found myself watching my phone waiting for her call. Turns out I didn't have to wait long, she did call with a different situation for us.
She had been in contact with a neighboring county that had two boys needing a foster placement. When she said the word "foster" I was immediately reluctant. We didn't want a foster placement, we wanted an adoptive placement. But, I wrote down everything she told me about these boys and then called Nathan to discuss it. The situation was a 3 year old boy and his 6 month old half brother. The baby had been abused, very possibly by the mother, currently had strep throat, and was vomiting and had diarrhea. The 3 year old was healthy as far as she knew and would likely be placed with his father sometime in the near future. They baby would likely be in foster care for "quite a while", whatever that meant in caseworker language. We were also told that the baby's dad was not in the picture at all. We talked this over and Nathan was really the one who wanted to go for it. So I called her back and told her we would take the boys. She let me know she would call the caseworker and give me a call back with the details of when we would need to pick up the boys, but she expected it would be later that day. It was going to be another long day at work!
Our licensing worker called back letting us know we needed to be at the DCS office at 3 pm to pick up the boys. Of course I had made all the required phone calls again and everyone was super excited. It has been so much fun going through this process with our friends and family supporting us and sharing our excitment.
So anyway, I can't even begin to tell you what my nerves were doing that day. We were about to go and pick up two little boys who were strangers to us, as we were to them, and bring them home to be in our family for an undetermined amount of time. That is nerveracking!
We got to the DCS office and were directed to a waiting room. We weren't really sure how this would all go. The boys had been placed in foster care about 3 days earlier but the current foster dad had just had surgery, so they needed the boys to be placed in another foster family. I was expecting we would get to talk to the current foster parents so we could ask some questions about what they had learned about the boys as far as taking care of them. But, what happened was, the caseworker had the foster parents tell the boys good bye and leave, then she brought us back to meet them. We met the 3 year old first. We were taken into a visitation room that was full of toys and instructed to "get to know him" for a few minutes. Nathan got right into it and talked and played with the little guy. He wasn't shy at all and talked like crazy to us. The caseworker had warned us to be prepared when she brought the baby in. She described his injuries some and let us know he was pretty burised up. When she walked in holding the baby, he was all cuddled up on her chest and covered by a blanket, so I really couldn't see him, except for a little head with light brown hair---and bruises. She handed him to me and he snuggled right back down with me. The caseworker went over a few things like upcoming doctor appointments and medicaid information. Then we were sent on our way. It was wierd. It was like- Here are some kids, Take them home, We will be in touch!
So, we ran to Walmart to get the basic necessitites for the boys that we didn't already have and we went to pick up the girls, who had been waiting for us at my parents' house.
A few weeks later, I started getting this feeling that I really can't describe. It was a feeling of anxiousness, nervousness, excitement, and anticipation. I think I even told Nathan that I thought our licensing worker was going to be calling. It was a weird feeling, for sure. I found myself watching my phone waiting for her call. Turns out I didn't have to wait long, she did call with a different situation for us.
She had been in contact with a neighboring county that had two boys needing a foster placement. When she said the word "foster" I was immediately reluctant. We didn't want a foster placement, we wanted an adoptive placement. But, I wrote down everything she told me about these boys and then called Nathan to discuss it. The situation was a 3 year old boy and his 6 month old half brother. The baby had been abused, very possibly by the mother, currently had strep throat, and was vomiting and had diarrhea. The 3 year old was healthy as far as she knew and would likely be placed with his father sometime in the near future. They baby would likely be in foster care for "quite a while", whatever that meant in caseworker language. We were also told that the baby's dad was not in the picture at all. We talked this over and Nathan was really the one who wanted to go for it. So I called her back and told her we would take the boys. She let me know she would call the caseworker and give me a call back with the details of when we would need to pick up the boys, but she expected it would be later that day. It was going to be another long day at work!
Our licensing worker called back letting us know we needed to be at the DCS office at 3 pm to pick up the boys. Of course I had made all the required phone calls again and everyone was super excited. It has been so much fun going through this process with our friends and family supporting us and sharing our excitment.
So anyway, I can't even begin to tell you what my nerves were doing that day. We were about to go and pick up two little boys who were strangers to us, as we were to them, and bring them home to be in our family for an undetermined amount of time. That is nerveracking!
We got to the DCS office and were directed to a waiting room. We weren't really sure how this would all go. The boys had been placed in foster care about 3 days earlier but the current foster dad had just had surgery, so they needed the boys to be placed in another foster family. I was expecting we would get to talk to the current foster parents so we could ask some questions about what they had learned about the boys as far as taking care of them. But, what happened was, the caseworker had the foster parents tell the boys good bye and leave, then she brought us back to meet them. We met the 3 year old first. We were taken into a visitation room that was full of toys and instructed to "get to know him" for a few minutes. Nathan got right into it and talked and played with the little guy. He wasn't shy at all and talked like crazy to us. The caseworker had warned us to be prepared when she brought the baby in. She described his injuries some and let us know he was pretty burised up. When she walked in holding the baby, he was all cuddled up on her chest and covered by a blanket, so I really couldn't see him, except for a little head with light brown hair---and bruises. She handed him to me and he snuggled right back down with me. The caseworker went over a few things like upcoming doctor appointments and medicaid information. Then we were sent on our way. It was wierd. It was like- Here are some kids, Take them home, We will be in touch!
So, we ran to Walmart to get the basic necessitites for the boys that we didn't already have and we went to pick up the girls, who had been waiting for us at my parents' house.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
The Emotional Rollercoaster
So, after we had been licenced for about 3 weeks we got a call from our caseworker, Krista. She explained that one of those situations that she had warned us may never happen, had in fact happened. She went on to tell me that a caseworker from a neighboring county had called with 3 children that needed a placement. These siblings were currently in foster care, were not yet legally free for adoption, but a request to terminate parental rights was in the plan for an upcoming court date. So, these kids would be considered "legal risk". Could this be what we had been waiting for?! The sibling group consisted of two boys, ages 5 and 3 and a little girl who was 2. The 5 year old had behaviors that would indicate that he was sexually abused, the 3 year old was showing signs of reactive attachment disorder, and the 2 year old was diagnosed as failure to thrive, had an unspecified chromosomal disorder, and was scheduled for surgery to place a feeding tube later that week. Wow! That was a lot to take in! My first comment was, "Krista, we are only licensed for two additional children", to which she quickly responded "Oh, that's not a problem, we can fix that easy".
I don't even know how to explain the emotions that I was feeling while I was talking to Krista and during the following hours. I was so excited at the thought that we may have found our children already. I was so scared that this was THREE children. I was leery of taking a 5 year old when we had felt our age limit should be 4. I was nervous about the sexual behaviors because we have two little girls. The reactive attachment disorder was a bit scary. And, to top it all off, this little girl had an "unspecified chromosomal disorder". I told her I needed to talk to Nathan and I would give her a call back. She told me to take some time and talk it over and call her the next day.
When I called him, I could tell Nathan shared my feelings about all of this. We were so reluctant to quickly say no, even though we both felt we should-- but wouldn't say that yet, because we were afraid another situation may not come along for a long time, if ever. We both felt we could have handled each of these children and all of their "baggage" if it were only the one child, but putting all three together, plus continuing to meet the needs of our daughters, that was going to be hard. We called everyone, our parents, our friends, our daycare (we had to make sure she had 3 openings), we talked to our coworkers, we talked to each other, and we discussed it over with the girls. Everyone seemed to share our same concerns. I think what hit home was when even our 6 year old said, "I think we should take the 3 year old, but I don't know about the others". When our little girl was able to see that this was going to be taking on too much for our family, we knew this wasn't the situation for us. We finally made a decision, I would call Krista in the morning and tell her we had to say "no".
I was a little nervous to say no, but Krista alleviated all my anxiety. She told me she was feeling the same way, these were not the children for our family. She also said she had found out a little more after she had talked to me the day before and the sexual behaviors the 5 year old was displaying were more severe than she had initially thought. This was definitely not something she wanted to expose our girls to. So, it was a bit of a let down, but ultimately, we knew we had done the right thing.
We had been warned that foster care and adoption through foster care was a huge emotional roller coaster. Well, we had just took our first ride, and it wasn't near over.
During the same phone call that I told Krista we couldn't take the sibling group, she blew me away with another situation! A baby had been born in a neighboring county to a mother who was mentally handicapped. The mother had came into the hospital to deliver the baby filthy dirty, no prenatal care, obviously unable to care for herself, let alone a new baby. The baby was still in the hospital, as she was only 2 days old. The baby was going to be removed because the mom was unable to care for her and the biological family was not willing to care for the baby. I was in shock, we went from considering three children that we knew in our hearts weren't ours, to being handed a baby straight out of the hospital. I told her we absolutely wanted the baby, I didn't even need to consult my husband. (I probably should have but there was no way I was letting him talk us out of this one!). Krista told me the baby was being released the next day and the caseworker would give our names to the hospital so we could pick her up. I was so excited. Again, we called everyone, I arranged for time off work, we started coordinating when and how to get all the baby supplies we would need. We are so lucky to have the family and friends we do. We were not going to have to buy a single thing for this baby, everyone was calling me saying they had a car seat, baby bath, swing, clothes, so many things that they were lending us--whether we wanted it our not--it was so cool.
Well, this all happened before I even got started at work for the morning, and how on earth was I going to work when I had so much to do! But, we had hopped back on that roller coaster and we were about to go down a big hill. Krista called me back saying the baby was not going to be removed after all. What? How was that possible? Just a few hours ago, the baby was being removed and wouldn't likely be placed back with the biological mom. It was all so confusing. I started the round of calls again, this time with the not so exciting news. Everyone was as disappointed as we were, but we all knew that ultimately this was always a possibility. I went on with my day and got back to work. Then, around 3 in the afternoon, Krista called me for the third time. The baby was being removed. The hospital had our information. We needed to pick her up in the morning. Wow, back up we went. I made the calls for a third time. Everyone was excited again. I re-made the arrangements to get the most important things, the car seat, diapers, formula, bottles, and a few outfits. I told the girls we were in fact getting the baby, and they were so excited, again. We were getting a newborn baby! This had been my prayer (secretly of course,Nathan wanted a 1 1/2 year old at the youngest) and it was actually coming true. We were getting a baby before any of those horrible things we learned about in foster class had even had a chance to happen. This precious girl had not been abused or neglected, she was not behind socially or
emotionally, and she would not have inappropriate behaviors as a result of her parent's mistakes.
Are you ready for the biggest let down of all? The baby's caseworker called me around 5 in the evening. She said the judge had denied the removal of the baby, family was taking the baby home, and we would not be getting her. I knew by the way she said this that it was a done deal. No more roller coaster with this case, this ride was over. Nathan and I were disappointed. Everyone I had to call for the umpteenth time that day was disappointed. My girls were disappointed. But, we knew this could happen. And, maybe this was our preparation for being foster parents. This was a let down, for sure, but it was one we could handle. We had not laid eyes on a child, we hadn't held a baby in our arms, and it had all happened over the course of about 2 days. We had indeed survived our first trip on the foster care roller coaster.
I don't even know how to explain the emotions that I was feeling while I was talking to Krista and during the following hours. I was so excited at the thought that we may have found our children already. I was so scared that this was THREE children. I was leery of taking a 5 year old when we had felt our age limit should be 4. I was nervous about the sexual behaviors because we have two little girls. The reactive attachment disorder was a bit scary. And, to top it all off, this little girl had an "unspecified chromosomal disorder". I told her I needed to talk to Nathan and I would give her a call back. She told me to take some time and talk it over and call her the next day.
When I called him, I could tell Nathan shared my feelings about all of this. We were so reluctant to quickly say no, even though we both felt we should-- but wouldn't say that yet, because we were afraid another situation may not come along for a long time, if ever. We both felt we could have handled each of these children and all of their "baggage" if it were only the one child, but putting all three together, plus continuing to meet the needs of our daughters, that was going to be hard. We called everyone, our parents, our friends, our daycare (we had to make sure she had 3 openings), we talked to our coworkers, we talked to each other, and we discussed it over with the girls. Everyone seemed to share our same concerns. I think what hit home was when even our 6 year old said, "I think we should take the 3 year old, but I don't know about the others". When our little girl was able to see that this was going to be taking on too much for our family, we knew this wasn't the situation for us. We finally made a decision, I would call Krista in the morning and tell her we had to say "no".
I was a little nervous to say no, but Krista alleviated all my anxiety. She told me she was feeling the same way, these were not the children for our family. She also said she had found out a little more after she had talked to me the day before and the sexual behaviors the 5 year old was displaying were more severe than she had initially thought. This was definitely not something she wanted to expose our girls to. So, it was a bit of a let down, but ultimately, we knew we had done the right thing.
We had been warned that foster care and adoption through foster care was a huge emotional roller coaster. Well, we had just took our first ride, and it wasn't near over.
During the same phone call that I told Krista we couldn't take the sibling group, she blew me away with another situation! A baby had been born in a neighboring county to a mother who was mentally handicapped. The mother had came into the hospital to deliver the baby filthy dirty, no prenatal care, obviously unable to care for herself, let alone a new baby. The baby was still in the hospital, as she was only 2 days old. The baby was going to be removed because the mom was unable to care for her and the biological family was not willing to care for the baby. I was in shock, we went from considering three children that we knew in our hearts weren't ours, to being handed a baby straight out of the hospital. I told her we absolutely wanted the baby, I didn't even need to consult my husband. (I probably should have but there was no way I was letting him talk us out of this one!). Krista told me the baby was being released the next day and the caseworker would give our names to the hospital so we could pick her up. I was so excited. Again, we called everyone, I arranged for time off work, we started coordinating when and how to get all the baby supplies we would need. We are so lucky to have the family and friends we do. We were not going to have to buy a single thing for this baby, everyone was calling me saying they had a car seat, baby bath, swing, clothes, so many things that they were lending us--whether we wanted it our not--it was so cool.
Well, this all happened before I even got started at work for the morning, and how on earth was I going to work when I had so much to do! But, we had hopped back on that roller coaster and we were about to go down a big hill. Krista called me back saying the baby was not going to be removed after all. What? How was that possible? Just a few hours ago, the baby was being removed and wouldn't likely be placed back with the biological mom. It was all so confusing. I started the round of calls again, this time with the not so exciting news. Everyone was as disappointed as we were, but we all knew that ultimately this was always a possibility. I went on with my day and got back to work. Then, around 3 in the afternoon, Krista called me for the third time. The baby was being removed. The hospital had our information. We needed to pick her up in the morning. Wow, back up we went. I made the calls for a third time. Everyone was excited again. I re-made the arrangements to get the most important things, the car seat, diapers, formula, bottles, and a few outfits. I told the girls we were in fact getting the baby, and they were so excited, again. We were getting a newborn baby! This had been my prayer (secretly of course,Nathan wanted a 1 1/2 year old at the youngest) and it was actually coming true. We were getting a baby before any of those horrible things we learned about in foster class had even had a chance to happen. This precious girl had not been abused or neglected, she was not behind socially or
emotionally, and she would not have inappropriate behaviors as a result of her parent's mistakes.
Are you ready for the biggest let down of all? The baby's caseworker called me around 5 in the evening. She said the judge had denied the removal of the baby, family was taking the baby home, and we would not be getting her. I knew by the way she said this that it was a done deal. No more roller coaster with this case, this ride was over. Nathan and I were disappointed. Everyone I had to call for the umpteenth time that day was disappointed. My girls were disappointed. But, we knew this could happen. And, maybe this was our preparation for being foster parents. This was a let down, for sure, but it was one we could handle. We had not laid eyes on a child, we hadn't held a baby in our arms, and it had all happened over the course of about 2 days. We had indeed survived our first trip on the foster care roller coaster.
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