Possible developments soon! And the surprises of foster care

We have a court date on March 22 for G and Z's case. I have been told that some important things will be asked of the judge, especially for Z. I will have to wait until after court to share all the juicy details, but we are anxiously looking forward to court that day.
As far as W goes, his mom now has unsupervised visits with him, again. We are supposed to have another family team meeting in a couple of weeks to discuss increasing the visits. I'm not sure if the caseworker will give her overnight visits at that point or just longer visis, but either way, W's mom is moving in a positive direction.
Being a foster parent has forced Nathan and I to do so many things that are not only out of our comfort zone, but things we never in a million years would have seen ourselves doing. First of all, we went into this with the intention to adopt. We did not want a foster placement. We did not want to take our kids to visits with their parents. If fact, we didn't really want to have to have any contact with the biological parents. We wanted to get our kids, love them, and become a happy family. It's funny sometimes how things work out, isn't it? Not only do we currently have 3 boys as foster placements, but we have developed relationships with their parents.
As far as G and Z's mom goes, I will say I am glad I got to know her, so that one day when I am asked "what was my mom like?" I will be able to answer (because I do believe at least one of these boys will be in our family forever, more about that after that all important upcoming court date). But that is probably the only reason I have been glad to know that woman. All I can really say about her right now is, I hope she realizes that she is not a person who can be a mother (and I hope that realization happens sooner rather than later).
W's mom has been a whole other situation, much to our surprise. When we got W, we were told that his mom had a history with DCS which had resulted in her losing her parental rights to her other child. She had a history of letting abusive boyfriends into her life, plus there were substance abuse issues. If ever there was a foster placement that would end in adoption, this seemed like the one. We went into this, knowing it wasn't for sure, but very confident W would be with us forever. Then, after the first two court hearings, where visitation was denied, we were even more sure of things. Up to that point, we had not met the mom. I wasn't really interested in meeting her. I was just hoping history would repeat itself and the judge would keep denying visitation until we had reached the 6 month mark and rights were terminated. But then, we did meet her.
The caseworker had called and let us know there was a court date coming up and we needed to be there. We waited in the waiting area, which was basically empty, except for a lady who was very obviously W's mom. I wasn't sure what to do. I didn't know if she would pick us out as the foster parents or if she would want to talk to us. I kept having the urge to to over and tell her that we were the ones who had been taking care of her baby and that he was doing well, but I just didn't have the courage to approach her. After court, the caseworker introduced us. The mom asked immediately how W was doing. She even thanked us for taking care of him. I knew then I should have went up to her in that waiting room. She was so nice. How could this be the same person I had build up in my mind as a horrible lady who didn't care enough about her kids to keep them safe? But, it was just one of those suprising things that foster care has brought to our attention.
This lady just kept forcing me to surprise myself. The next time it happened was when W had a test at the hospital. The mom knew about the test, and said she would be there. I really didn't expect her to show up, but she did. It was a test where W had to go without eating after midnight, so by 8:30 am, he was hungry. When the mom walked in, W was fussing because he was hungry. I had already been in the waiting room for 10 or 15 minutes and hadn't had much luck keeping him happy. When his mom came in, she reached for W and wouldn't you know she calmed him down. I was so impressed. She was so calm (my nerves were a bit frayed at that point) and loved on him until he quieted down. We waited for a while longer before they called us back for the test. I won't deny it, it was an awkward situation. It's pretty obvious who W's mom is, between the two of us at least, but when the doctor asks questions like, how does he sleep at night, how often does he eat, etc, I'm the one who knows the answers. Then there's the question of what would I do if she tried to take W out of the room, or out of the building?! I felt like I was watching her every second, but I didn't really need to, nothing scary has ever happened when I have been with W's mom.
Then the test was over and it was time to leave. W's mom doesn't have a car, so she takes the bus everywhere. I felt so bad walking out of the hospital to my car and leaving her out in the cold to wait for the bus. So, I did something that really surprised me, I offered her a ride home. She was thankful for the ride and we talked the whole way to her house. It was just so weird to me, I was liking this person who I never thought I even wanted to meet. I was finding my self encouraging her and hoping she got things in order so she could get W back. Since that day, which was probably 4 or 5 months ago, I have taken W's mom to several appointments. Its just become part of things, that when there is an appointment, I will stop by and get W's mom and we go together. We have become sort of a team when it comes to taking care of W. I guess that is how foster care is supposed to work, but it wasn't how I planned on doing things.

Keep chugging along

We don't have too much new going on right now. W is able to have unsupervised visits with his mom now. I really hope she can make things work this time. I know she wants her little boy back, and I'm still rooting for her to get him. G is having visits with his dad while they are supervised by family. I'm not sure how long that will go on, it's up to G's dad at this point. G and Z have one visit a week for an hour with their mom, if she comes that is.
Everyone has been sick around here the last few weeks. Nathan, Hannah, Addison and I had a yucky stomach bug while the boys had ear infections and upper respiratory infections. We are slowly getting healthy again, thank goodness.
On to the exciting news, we are finally moving forward with building our new house. The loan closing has been scheduled for next week, then the builders can start. We are so excited! We bought our property almost 4 years ago and have been saving so we could build ever since. It will be so nice to finally be in a house that is big enough for a family of 7, or at least bigger than this one!

Update----

I don't know why I'm not used to hiccups in this process yet. We have experienced yet another one. At the family team meeting last Friday, I learned that G's dad tested positive for drugs. He admitted to using drugs recently and said he had used again since the drug screen was given. I was surprised, but a part of me had expected that. I mean G had been coming home smelling pretty funny lately, I'm pretty naive about these things, but not that naive.
So, instead of talking about when G could start his trial home visit, it was decided that visits would go back to being supervised by family. A trial home visit is usually the last step before a case is closed. During this time, the child is with the parents full time, but DCS is still involved and can stop in or do drug screens, etc. whenever they want. The caseworker determined that visits would remain supervised by family until 3 clean drug screens were obtained. I didn't ask what would happen if there weren't clean screens, I guess we will cross that bridge if we get there.
I was disappointed that this case had moved backward. Which is something that surprised me to say. From the start of this case, I didn't want G to be placed with his dad. Like I have said before, he gave me a bad feeling, something just didn't seem right about him. But as things went forward, I got more comfortable with the thought of G going with his dad. I even found myself hoping things worked out so G could go with his dad. The other reason I was disappointed with this set back is, I'm ready for this to be done. We have had G with us for a year now. That is a long time. Not only for us, but for G too. It worries me that the longer this goes on, the harder it will get for him.
The caseworker said something I thought was interesting, she said when it starts getting close to the time when a child will be returning home, the parents will sometimes sabotage the situation so the kids aren't able to come home. It's like the parents become overwhelmed and are afraid they can't do it, so they manipulate the situation in such a way so they have more time before the kids return. I hadn't thought about it, but it did make sense, maybe G's dad was scared about taking care of G full time and panicked. Nathan isn't going for this theory, but I'm still not sure. I guess it doesn't matter what his motivation was for using drugs, he can't have his son home until he's clean, so we will just wait and see.
On a different note, W's mom has now passed 3 consecutive drug screens. After her forth, she will be able to retun to unsupervised visits. I'm not sure how long the caseworker will want to continue those before trying the trial home visit, but my guess is a couple months at least. I am still rooting for W's mom. I really feel like she needs to have her son, and he needs her. I just hope once she gets him home, she will have the strength to do the right thing and surround herself with the right people. Her problem has never been her skills as a mother, it has been her ability to stand up for herself, and consequently W, to make sure the people in her life will treat her and her kids the way any person deserves to be treated. So, we will see, sweet little W could be home by April or May, barring any more hiccups.

Well, things are moving along toward G going home to live with his dad. I'm still somewhat undecided about it. I'm not crazy about G's dad. He has said that he was not the one who hurt G, and I believe him, but that still doesn't make me very confident in his parenting skills. He cares a lot for G and I know he wants to be a part of his life. I wonder sometimes if he knows what it's going to take to be a full time dad. For the last year, we have been taking care of G and his dad has spent a few hours a week with him. There is a big difference between playing with your son for a couple hours at a time and taking care of your son 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
A little more than a month ago, visits with G and his dad went from 6 hours a week to 16, then to 32 (over 4 days). We saw an almost immediate change in G's behavior. He started crying a lot, throwing major tempor tantrums, throwing things, and hitting himself and others. I was pretty concerned about it. His change in behavior was obviously related to his increase in visits, but I couldn't be sure exactly why. Of course my worry was that someone was mistreating G during these visits. But also, it could have just been all the changes in his schedule and his only way to deal with it was to act out. G is now almost 18 months old. He's at an age where he knows quite a bit about what is going on around him, but we still aren't really able to explain all this to him yet.
Luckily, I think all the acting out was mostly G's way of adjusting to all the changes happening around him because he has been acting more like himself the last week or so. Not only more visits, but being in a different household during those visits was hard for him. Any two households are going to be different, but I have a feeling that our household and G's dad's are especially different. Just a few examples---- at his dad's house, everyone smokes, and they seem to smoke a lot. When G first starting being over here, his eyes would be all red and swollen the next day. And twice, I have poured pop out of a sippy cup that was sent back with G, I hate when people put pop in a baby's cup! I don't think anyone took nap time very seriously during the visits. This little guy still needs a couple hour nap every day, the 20 or 30 minutes he was getting on the way back to our house just wasn't cutting it. Being so tired had to be contributing to all the grumpiness.
I have given a lot of reasons why I'm uneasy about G leaving. But a part of me is ok with it too. We have had G with us for a year, which is a long time, but we have known from the start that G was with us as a foster placement. We are very attached to him, and love him so much, but everyday I have told myself that he could be leaving. I think keeping that fact in the back of my mind all the time has helped me accept G leaving our family. Also, I want what is best for him. His dad loves him and wants him. If he will take care of him and keep him safe, that's where he should be. We know that any kids we adopt will want to know about their biological family some day. And, they will want to know why they can't be with their "real" family. When we have that conversation with our son or daughter, I want to be able to say with all honesty that they are in the best place for them, not that they are in our family because I was selfish and didn't want to deal with the pain and stress of them leaving.
So, G is acting better, his dad continues to say he wants to have him more and more until he has him full time, and no big hiccups have happened in the process. There is a family team meeting tomorrow to discuss a regular schedule for overnight visits. So, here goes the next step of this process.

Just how does this all work?

I've told you a lot about our foster experience but I wanted to explain about the whole process. I know when we first got started, we felt a little lost for a while.
The first thing that happens is DCS becomes involved in a child's life. This could happen through several different ways. A doctor or school may notify DCS of a concern, like suspicious bruises or behaviors. A person could make a call to the abuse and neglect hotline. A police officer could notify DCS of a situation where children could be in danger. Whatever the method of referral, once one has been made, a caseworker is assigned and begins an investigation. Sometimes it is determined that the children are not in any danger and the case is closed. Or it could be a case where the caseworkers know something is going on, but it isn't substantial enough to remove the kids. Or, the caseworker can determine the kids need removed immediately. Before removing, DCS needs a court order from a judge to proceed.
We don't come into play until that court order is obtained. Once it happens, the licensing caseworker gets involved and helps make a decision about which foster family should be contacted about the situation.
So how does the licensing worker know which family to contact? That's where all those invasive questions we were asked during the home study come into play. To complete our home study, we answered a bunch of questions about our lives, our goals for our family, and what types of children we would be willing to foster. We were able to be as restrictive or inclusive as we felt we should be as far as the kids we could foster. For our family, we decided we should take kids under 5 because Addison was 5 at the time we were licensed. We said we were open to kids of any race. The hardest part was specifying which "special needs" we would be willing to foster. I know that nearly all kids in foster care are going to have some degree of "special needs". These kids have been through so much trauma, neglect, and/or abuse that they are not going to be functioning at the same level as a typical child. But, that being said, these kids have the potential to make great strides in a very short time when put into a stable and nurturing environment, I know this for a fact because I have seen it with all the kids we have had. So, for our home study, we said we would consider any placement as long as the kids were under 5 and did not have any behaviors that would put our daughters in danger. It's hard to believe that a 4 year old could be dangerous, but it happens.
Ok, so the caseworker decides to call us because we could be a good match for a child she needs a foster placement for. We then are given the opportunity to think things over for a minute (sometimes literally only a minute because it is an emergency situation). If we feel like the situation isn't right for us, for whatever reason, we can say no. We were assured it was ok to say no if we felt we should, but we still felt terrible the first time we had to. But, the last thing DCS wants to do is move a child to a different placement. Many years ago, foster kids were moved from home to home every few months because it was felt it would be easier for the kids and foster parents if no bonds were made between them. Fortunately, that philosophy has changed.
So, once we all decide to take a placement, the caseworker on the case contacts us and lets us know a little more about what's going on. Then they let us know when and how the child will get to us. With our first placement, G and Z, we went to the county DCS office that afternoon and picked them up there. With W, we went to the emergency room at 2 am. Little Z was brought to our house by the caseworker after she removed him from his dad's house. When we were going to get the baby girl, we were supposed to pick her up from the hospital when she was released the next day. So, it really just depends on the situation.
Once the decision to remove has been made, the court order has been obtained, and the kids have been placed, a court hearing is scheduled. I believe it has to be held within 72 hours of removal. This isn't typically a hearing we go to. It is basically where the caseworker presents the findings so far and makes recommendations as far as placement and visitation. The parents will be at this hearing and have a chance to make requests as well. The judge makes a ruling, usually following DCS's recommendations, but not always. Then the next court hearing will be in 3-6 months depending on the county, then every 3-6 months after that until the case is closed. We go to those court hearings, which is not something I particularly enjoy doing. The judges usually ask us pretty general questions about how the kids are doing. It makes me so nervous to have to talk in court. In one of the counties we have been in, the judge is very formal. Everyone addresses him as "judge" or "your honor". He doesn't ask a lot of questions, but he listens to all parties and makes sure everyone gets their part in.  In the other county, it is still formal, but not quite as much. The judge askes a lot of questions, talks more directly to the parent, rather than to the attorneys. I wouldn't say one is better than the other, but they are different. It is interesting to get to see two diffent approaches to the same process.                    
As far as caring for the kids, we are able to make day to day decisions, but need permission to do certain things. For example, we are supposed to "maintain" their hairstyle, but not change it without the parents permission. We can take them to medical appointments and make needed decisions as far as their care, but need to have a letter saying the child is in our care before the doctor can treat them.  Foster kids qualify for Medicaid, so there is no cost to us for their medical care. We can take the kids anywhere, but need permission from the court to go out of state. We were able to take G with us last year on our summer vacation to Myrtle Beach, but first we had to get permission from the caseworker, the parents, and the judge. Then we carried a paper with us saying it was ok for us to have him out of state for the dates we had requested. We can take the kids to daycare or a babysitter, like when I'm working, but we are responsible for covering that cost. Basically, if it is a regular, routine thing, we can take care of it, but if it is an out of the ordinary decision, we need permission  from a bunch of people to do it.
So, that is basically how foster care itself works. If I have left something out, or if you want to know more, please ask!