We have had the busiest week ever.  We went to court for both boys and got final inspections done on the house.  It has been crazy.

W's court was first.  We have never met his dad before.  He just got out of jail about a month ago, so everyone has pretty much been able to put him out of their minds until now.  Well, since he is out now, DCS is obligated to offer him services.   Some of the things they call services are counseling, groups like anger management or drug programs, and visitation.

Of course this guy wanted to start with visitation.   He insisted that he had never hurt W, that the police were conspiring against him, that the doctor reading the x-rays was not competent, and he was a good, loving father.  Wow.  We met the arresting police officer the night we picked W up in the ER, I think even she was a bit shook up by what she saw in regards to the way this guy "lovingly" held his baby.

So for him to think he was going to get visitation, he has to be nuts!  The CASA has filed a motion asking for visits to be permanently suspended and the caseworker has placed so many steps before visits will be allowed, that he will never get there.  So hopefully that issue has been resolved.

What I was getting to when I mentioned we have never met this guy was-- we saw him when we went to court the other day.  We walked into the big waiting area and there he was talking with the CASA,  I recognized him from his mugshot.  She didn't say anything as we walked by and we just went on past.  The caseworker came out then and told him court had been continued.   I was about to get frustrated when I realized she was only talking to him.  Then I realized she had been careful to only talk to him, not us also.  Just like the CASA had ignored us when we came by.  After he had left the building, the CASA came over and confirmed our suspicions, they didn't want W's dad to know who we were.  She told us she was going to file a motion to keep us out of court any time he would be there.  Then later, the caseworker came out again.  She said basically the same thing.  She said there would be no reason for us to come to the dad's court dates.  She was also going to be careful not to let our address show on any paperwork.   What is unusual about this is, foster parents are usually encouraged to be involved with the parents.  We are expected to be at court dates, come to meetings with the parents, build a relationship with them.  But, this guy is not the typical parent.  He is dangerous.

It makes me a little nervous to know that both DCS and the caseworker have kept this dad from knowing who we are.  This just isn't typical in foster care.  But, I am not too worried about anything happening.  We are far enough from everything that I feel safe.  I will be glad when this case is done though.

Anyway, we did go to court for W's mom.  The plan is still adoption for him.  The possible family placements aren't looking very promising so both the caseworker and the CASA stated they feel W would be best to stay with us as an adoptive placement.  That was good to hear.   Of course, that is still a little ways off.  DCS isn't planning to file termination of rights for another 3 months on the mom.  And it could be at least another 6 months on the dad, depending on how compliant he is with all the "services" he is going to be required to complete. 

Then I went to court for Z.  This was an emergency hearing requested by the CASA to stop visitation with his mom.   Remember those are the visits that result in miserable behaviors for our Z.  It was more of a trial than a hearing like we are used to.  The CASA called witnesses, who had to sit in the witness stand and be sworn in.  It was a bit scary, but the CASA handled it very well.  The judge ultimately ruled the visits can stop. 

I am so relieved by this.  The days following a visit have been awful.  Z will yell and scream at the drop of a hat, he is aggressive with the other kids, I have even seen him kick the cats.  But after 2 or 3 days, he's fine. I am so excited to be able to report at the next hearing about how wonderful his behavior has been since visits stopped!   --Lets just hope his behavior really is better!  :)

The end is near......

It's funny, but the end of both our boys' cases could happen really soon, and really close together. Z's case technically started in February 2011 and W's started in July 2011, but both appear to be wrapping up.

We have had the initial hearing for termination of parental rights for Z's parents. Nothing happened at that hearing besides the judge reading the case numbers, who was present, then he scheduled the fact finding hearing. Z's dad didn't show up, which I can't blame him, the judge made it sound like he didn't need to come to any more hearings the last time we were at court. But it turns out he hasn't actually signed any paperwork yet. DCS has tried to send it to him several times but he always refuses the package. It won't matter in the end whether or not he signs it, but it could drag our adoption processs out longer if he doesn't. The fact finding hearing is at the first of next month (unless it gets continued like all the other court dates have). At that hearing, DCS will present all the evidence they have as to why Z's mom should loose her parental rights. They have all assured me that this is an "open and shut case" and they have no doubt rights will be terminated, but it still makes me nervous. I can't bare to think about this going on longer, me having to take Z to more visits, or anything else coming along to delay us adopting Z. Or, heaven forbid, us not being able to adopt him at all. So, we are waiting on egg shells for that final hearing. I hope hope hope it happens as scheduled. It's time for this to be over so we all can move on, especially Z.

On W's front, the caseworker and the CASA are recommending we adopt W. The caseworker is still willing to consider a family placement though. In fact, I think she is supposed to meet with the family I mentioned a couple of posts ago, the one where the husband is in law enforcement (turns out he is a guard at a jail). The only things I have found out about them is that the wife works with special needs kids and they have a three year old son. They could be a good option, the only thing is, this case has been going on for a year, where have they been all this time?

We go to court next week for this case. I'm hoping something is decided. We have went back and forth so many times on this case, it has been exhausting. When we picked W up, I was sure he would be ours forever based on the circumstances. Then I met the mom and was sure he would, and should, go home with her. Then the mom began to show me she couldn't take care of him and I thought he would stay with us. Then the aunt came into the picture and I was sure he would be going with her. Then this other family member popped up and they may still be a good option. Meanwhile the CASA is telling me she feeels like W needs to stay with us. It has been crazy. Right now, I really don't know what to think. I love W like crazy, but I will be ok if he needs to leave us.

The other day I was thinking, how can I be ok with W leaving but I'm not ok with even the thought of Z leaving? I have been thinking about that a lot lately. I love both of them equally, I think of both of them as my kids, but I still see things differently with them. I think I have come up with the reason, maybe.

First I thought it was because I went into Z's case with the knowledge that everyone wanted him in our home as more of a pre-adoptive placement vs a foster placement (yes "pre-adoptive" is a real term). But then I go back to when W came, I was sure he would be adopted by us too. So that isn't really it. I think the reason I see these two cases so differently is because of all the other people involved, family members wise. Z has a lot of family but I don't trust that any of them have ever had Z's best interest in mind. For the life of me I can't figure this out, but no one has really ever wanted Z. His mom resented him because all she could see in him was his dad (who she hates with a passion). His dad saw him as another mouth to feed and he could barely feed the ones he already had. I don't know what his grandparents saw him as, but we know they were abusive to him, both sets of grandparents. So, no one has ever treasured this sweet boy like every kid deserves to be treasured. No one has ever loved him for who he is, they have only been able to see those things in him which they despise. And, how can they blame a child for who he looks like or for just being a kid, those things aren't his fault.

But in W's case, the only person who has been unkind toward him is his dad. His mom loves him, his aunt wants him in her family, he has a teenage half sister who is crazy about him. He could be surrounded by a loving family if things had just went a little differently. That is the difference. I am afraid if we do adopt W, there will always be a part of me that feels guilty for taking this baby away from so many people who have wanted him and have treasured him. I know it isn't physically me that is the one taking him away, and I know that his mom and his aunt had the ability to end this case with W in their homes and families but their decisions and actions proved to not be in W's best interest. But I know I will still feel some responsibility. With Z, I hope he never sees some of his "family" again. I think his life will be better if his mom walks away after that last visit and never looks back. But I don't feel that way at all with W. That is the difference. I'm not sure how we will work things out if we are able to adopt W so he can have a relationship with some of his family, but we are going to have to figure something out because there are a few people that I believe he will be better off knowing. But with Z, we will be the only family he needs. He will not benefit in any way by having his mom in his life, and I'm starting to think not his dad either.

This has all been so hard sometimes. I don't regret any of it though. We have needed these kids as much as they have needed us. We have all learned from them and from this experience. Still, I'm hoping the end is near.