I just don't understand!

W's mom baffles me. A few months ago I was 99% sure we would be adopting W in the near future. His case was nearing the 15 month mark, which is when the state has to request termination of parental rights. His mom had not progressed in the case at all. She hadn't met the requirements set for her to move to unsupervised visits and didn't really seem too upset about it. I was beginning to think she had given up, or decided it was time to move on. Or maybe she had realized the best thing for W would be to stay with us. Also, we had a report from the judge saying the best thing for W was to be adopted due to his parents inability to provide a safe environment. That was a pretty definitive document, coming from the judge and all. So, I was still taking W to visits, and all the while feeling like there was really no point in it because he was going to end up with us in the long run.

Then, we had a family team meeting a few weeks ago where the caseworker told us that the mom had been clean for almost 4 months. That meant she had actually exceeded the requirement to move to unsupervised visits. So, the following visit was unsupervised.

I was a little skeptical, but felt ok about things. I have never worried that this mom would hurt W. She is very good with him. It's the people she chooses to be around that are a potential danger to him. But, the first few visits were only 3 hours long and a social worker would be dropping in at some point during that time. I was sure W would be safe. And he was. Every time I dropped him off his mom was happy and talkative. He was happy to see her, and things looked good. I was beginning to think, again, that she could do this. Things were just as good when I picked him up 3 hours later. Last Saturday, when I picked W up, I got to talking to his mom. I asked her if she was going to keep things together this time and get W home.

I kind of surprised myself by asking her such a direct question, but I wanted to know. If she was genuinely putting forth the effort to get her son home, I was willing to support her. But, if she wasn't, I wanted to know.

She said she felt like she was on the right track. She was keeping the right people around and the wrong ones away. She had interviewed for a job and hoping she would get it. She had applied for a 2 bedroom apartment so there would be more room for W. She was really excited about things and seemed very positive. She talked to me for probably 15 minutes. I tried to be encouraging to her let her know I wanted what was best for her and W. I felt good about things when I left and even called the CASA and let her know about our conversation. I was really sure the mom was going to keep on the right track and get W home. And I was ok with that.

This morning, I got a call from the social worker. She asked if I had gotten any unusual phone calls. I hadn't. She, and the caseworker, had gotten calls from a man who didn't give his name and who said W's mom was seeing W's dad. This is bad for several reasons. 1) there is a no contact order between them to keep the mom safe. 2) there is a no contact order between W and his dad. 3) the mom has said she is afraid of W's dad and doesn't want anything to do with him. 4) W's dad is dangerous and controlling. If his mom is hanging around with him again, knowing that he is dangerous, where has this case progressed in the past 15 months? The answer is nowhere, if she is letting him control her again, how can she keep W safe if he goes home? And the big concern is, has she been taking W to see his dad during her unsupervised visits? That one scares the pants off me. The social worker and CASA are very concerned and are hoping to get down to the bottom of this. The caseworker is taking the approach again of, she can do what she wants on her own time, as long as W isn't put in danger.

The CASA caught the mom in a couple of lies today. I have been sure she has been lying about things here and there all along. She has gotten caught in little lies several times, but she is smart enough about it to not let it add up to much at a time. But, when all these fibs are looked at as a whole, they begin to add up. I think today was the beginning of the lies adding up for the CASA and the social worker.

And, to top it all off, I got a fresh dose of disappointment. I told myself I wasn't going to let this lady disappoint me again because I wasn't going to have faith in her again. But, somehow she got to me, which set me up for a let down for the umpteenth time.

So now I don't know what is going to happen here. Maybe the mom hasn't done anything detrimental to the case. Maybe this guy calling to say she's putting herself in harm's way is just trying to cause her trouble for some reason. But, the things that happened today don't add up in favor of the mom. I don't know. And, I just don't understand.

Will she do it this time?

Of course the mistake I thought was huge was only minor to the caseworker in W's case.  She explained, as if I had no idea how things work, that the mom can have any relationship she wants and the purpose of all this is to allow her to live as she normally would, all while making sure she can keep W safe in the process.  I understand that, and I told the caseworker so.  But what concerns me is why was the mom hiding this guy? Why couldn't she tell him to leave while she had her visit? That is the problem. She still isn't putting her child first.  And this is the same problem the mom had when this case started 15 months ago.  That tells me that she hasn't budged from the situation she was in at the beginning.  But, maybe that's why I'm not a caseworker, I'm too quick to doubt the parents' ability to be good parents.  I hope that's not the case, because I don't intend to be that way.

Anyway, the caseworker has progressed this case to unsupervised visits.  The mom gets her same 3 hours 3 days a week but without a social worker there with her.  In 2 weeks, her time increases to 6 hours a visit,  then a few weeks later she gets an overnight visit.  The trial home placement hasn't been scheduled yet.  We are supposed to meet again after the overnight visit and make a plan from there.  This is all contingent on the mom staying clean and following the safety plan (no unauthorized visitors during visits and maining a safe home).  This is the third time this case has gotten to unsupervised visits.  Each time before, the whole thing fell apart right before the overnights started.  Maybe she can do it this time.  I don't have a lot of faith in this mom at this point, but maybe she will surprise me. 

I can't decide how I feel about W leaving, if it gets to that.  I am trying to feel good about it.  I know his mom loves him and she says she wants him with her.  She has the potential to be a great mom as long as she can stay on the right path.  But that's where the problem comes up for me.  This isn't the first time this mom has went through the system with a child.  She lost custody of her daughter a couple of years ago and it was because of a similar situation, her boyfriend was abusing her daughter and she couldn't keep her safe.  The case ended with her daughter being permanently placed with a relative. Now that it has happened again with W, she has taken 15 months to finally be in a position to possibly get him home.  But if its taken this long, after she already went through this with her daughter, I would be stupid to believe it won't happen again.  She has shown that she isn't strong enough, or maybe not motivated enough, or whatever to put her kids first in her life.  But that's the thing about being a foster parent, it doesn't really matter how you feel, the case is not in your control.  So, that being said, the best thing to do to keep your sanity is to love the kids while you have them, try and influence them in the most positive way possible, and always be prepared to say goodbye.  We try to remember we are only babysitters of these kids, that's the only way to keep our sanity when they leave.

Something finally flipped the switch

Alexander has been great the past few months now.  He has blossomed into a happy, growing, talkative, loving little boy.  About 2 months after his visits with his mom stopped, we started seeing changes happening.  He wasn't getting upset every five minutes.  He wasn't hitting the other kids all day long.  He wasn't demanding to be held constantly.  He was just happier.  It was amazing to watch.  Sad too, though. 

I was hoping things would be better when the visits stopped, but I wasn't sure it would happen.  We knew that Alexander had been abused and neglected and his mom had played a big part in that.  But would simply not seeing her for those couple of hours a week make a difference? It did. And, thank goodness!

The thing I feel bad about is that he hasn't seen his brother, G, either. I haven't talked directly to G's dad, but I have been told through a few people involved with the case that he wants to get the boys together. I understand what he is wanting to do, and I think he has good intentions. He wants G to know his brother and maintain a sibling relationship with him. But, being a parent to G is different from being a parent to Alexander. Not to pat ourselves on the back, but we gave G a good start in his life. He was subjected to some terrible stuff, but he came to our family when he was only 6 months old. He doesn't remember being abused or neglected. And, the shorter time he was subjected to all that, I think, has made a big difference in the way he reacts to things. G acts like a typical kid. He is happy and carefree, like a kid should be. Still, Alexander is very observant of his surroundings. He asks frequently what we are doing, whats happening next, and who will be there. His start in life was different than G's and we haven't gotten him completely beyond that yet.

So for the two boys to see each other probably would be a good experience for G. He would have fun playing with his brother and probably talk about it for a few days. But for Alexander, it would be different. Visiting with G would get him thinking about his mom again. It would remind him that he used to go to visits, but doesn't any more. It would affect him for a while, and I can't say how long. As his mom, I can't subject Alexander to something that will affect him in a negative way. Not when I can't see a benefit, anyway.

I do think it may be good to get the boys together later, I'm not sure how much later, but definitely later. Alexander has made strong bonds with Hannah and Addison, but I know some day he will want to know his brother. During our foster care classes, our instructor brought in her adopted son to talk. He was adopted around age 4 I think. His family was made up of several children, all adopted. He did have one biological brother that wasn't placed with him (this happened 20 years ago and things have changed now). He explained that he loves his adopted family and feels a bond with them, but felt like it would feel different to be with his biological brother. He felt like that bond would be stronger or just feel different. He hadn't met his brother yet so he couldn't say how he felt about him. I would be interested to hear how things went when they did meet.

But anyway, the lesson I learned from that story was, even though this guy had a healthy bond with his adopted family, and knew why he had been adopted, and knew that it was the best thing for him, he still felt like his biological family would be better in some way. I don't want Alexander to always feel like he is missing out on something by being adopted. If he sees G some, hopefully he will know that his bond with us is just as strong as one he would have with his biological family.

Reading back over this, I guess I have gotten away from the original point of this post. So, to sum up, Alexander is doing great. He has made great strides over the past year, but even greater ones over the past couple of months. We are so happy to have him as a part of our family, and I think he is pretty happy to be here too.