Here we go again. The ups and downs of foster care are getting to me today. I feel like I have been on the phone all day, which is hard to believe because I was also at work for about 10 hours today. W's mom is going to give me a stroke from all this. She has been doing really well lately. I talked with the caseworker on Tuesday and we both agreed that things were leaning more toward W going home. All the drug screens have been clean for almost 3 months now. The mom has been talkative and happy when I see her. I have been thinking she might be taking steps in the right direction. The next step is unsupervised visits. Then, today happens.
When I got to the mom's house to drop W off for his visit on Monday, the mom was standing at the visit supervisor's car talking. I got him out of the car and walked up. The mom told me that she had found her pilot light off on her stove and so she didn't want to be in the house for a while. The visit supervisor suggested they go to the library for a while. I handed W over and they all loaded into the car and left. It was no big deal, they go to the library sometimes during visits so I didn't think a thing about it.
Then, when I got there for Wednesday's visit, it was a similar scene. The mom was outside. This time, she needed the visit supervisor to do the visit someplace else because her furnace was being worked on. This time I was suspicious. She was obviously keeping us out, I just didn't know why.
I called the visit supervisor today because we needed to talk about this. She told me she had some concerns too and was glad I called. Of course she was thinking the same thing I was, what or who was she keeping us from seeing? She was going to do some investigating and get back to me. I called the caseworker to let her know about these concerns too. I got her voice mail so I called the CASA next.
Again--I'm so thankful for CASAs! She was driving near the mom's apartment anyway, so she drove past. She saw a man who she initially thought was W's dad, but turns out it wasn't. She went up to the door and the man answered. He wouldn't tell her his name, but he did say he was living there. This was the reason the mom was keeping us out of the apartment.
I was shocked. I shouldn't have been, but I was-- and still am. This is a game changer, I think. How could this mom have a man living in her apartment and not let anyone know? My guess is he has a criminal record, so she wanted to keep everyone from knowing about him. There is no problem with her having a boyfriend, but she can't have someone around W without being able to show it is a safe situation. The only explanation for her keeping this guy a secret is that she knows he is bad news. So, she knows this, and she knows that she can't keep this guy a secret for long. And, she knows that her actions are going to end up keeping her from getting W home. That's where the shock comes in. How can she afford to do something so detrimental to this case at this point? She knows that she is so close to loosing W for good and any mistake at this point is going to be huge. But she also knows that her screens have been clean for 3 months, and that is huge.
The visit supervisor (who is also a counselor of some sort) feels the mom is self sabotaging. She is going to talk point blank with the mom about this. She is going to tell her she knows about this new guy and the mom has to tell him to leave for visits because these are her visits and she should not be leaving her own house like this. That won't work because this mom can't demand anything from anyone. She can't give an answer when she is asked a question. Her response is always "whatever you think". She thinks the mom knows W is safe with us and feels relieved and satisfied with that. She wants to talk to the mom about this and try to get an honest answer from her. Again, she won't get an honest answer, because the mom can't stand up for herself.
I hope the caseworker takes this all seriously. I hope she puts some consequences in place because of this. That has been some of the problem. The mom gets 3 visits a week for 3 hours each, that is a lot of visits. Even after several bad drug screens, her visits haven't changed. I feel like the visits should be reduced and moved to the office, not in the home. She has shown that she can't maintain a safe home--again, so how can the visits continue in the home.
I don't know, I'm frustrated I guess.
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Alexander's caseworker stopped by this evening. She brought by some paperwork we need to sign to get the next step of the adoption going. Nothing too exciting, just some papers to allow our lawyer to get reimbursement for her work on the case and a few other technical things. Still, it's one step closer and that is exciting.
In Indiana, lawyers can be reimbursed up to $1500 for completing an adoption. The lawyer we are using, and most others according to our caseworker, won't charge families any more than the $1500. So, that means we won't have any cost associated with this adoption. So many people I have talked to say they can't consider adoption because of the cost, but I can say, cost isn't an issue with foster-to-adopt situations.
We have had some other nerve-racking developments this week. I got a call from the caseworker saying that she has discovered some issues with the situation with G and his dad. G is Alexander's half brother (same mom, different dads). He was with us from the time he was a bruised up 6 month old until he was an ornery 21 month old. He was able to be reunited with his dad last May. I was nervous about him leaving, but I felt good about it overall. When I got that call, saying the placement with dad might not be working, my heart sank. A part of me was excited to have G back with us, but a big part of me was dreading the thought of all those visits with dad starting from the beginning again. I was ok to say goodbye to G last May, but I'm not sure how I would feel to say goodbye again. Plus, I would worry about how it would affect Alexander and the girls to have G with us only to leave again. I have said a few times that it isn't as hard as you would think to tell a foster child goodbye, but that doesn't mean it's easy! It's harder on the kids I think, they just aren't able to understand all that's going on well enough. Plus, it's hard for kids to see what is best for someone in the long run vs what's easiest for them in the moment. But, even with all that, I would still take him back in a heart beat if he has to be removed again. The caseworker told me this evening that she is really hoping to not have to remove G. She said even if it comes down to the grandparents taking guardianship for a time while the dad gets himself together again, she will do that.
I'm not sure where W's case is going. We were to the point where the caseworker was going to file termination on the mom next month, which would be 15 months and the point where the state says termination has to be filed. But, the mom has been passing drug tests for the past 2 months. At this point, if she continues to pass screens, the case will continue and the mom will still progress toward getting W home. I'm not sure how to feel about this. I have always said I like this mom, and I still do. But this has gone on so long that I'm not sure what would happen if W went home. His mom is capable of being a great mom. But, I'm not confident in her being able to keep on the right track once the support DCS is giving her is gone. Right now, she is being drug screened weekly and knows that the screens will continue and if she fails one now, this case is basically over. She is getting counseling a couple of times a week. She is getting help with transportation to appointments, to the store, to the library to apply for jobs (the visit supervisor takes her places during visits which I'm not really on board with). We provide everything W needs on a day to day basis including food, clothes, a bed, daycare, going to appointments and therapy. Can she manage everything on her own? I don't know. I know she has been a victim of domestic violence, and that is not something to take lightly. I am so glad she is not in a bad relationship anymore, at least she says she isn't in a relationship. But, I just can't trust that she will stay around the right people, people who will support her and W, help her when she needs it, keep W safe. She lost custody of her daughter a few years ago because she wasn't able to make the right decisions to keep her daughter safe. Maybe she learned her lesson from all that. Maybe she has gotten valuable help from all the counseling she has had in the last year. But, I'm scared to put W into a situation with so many risks. Of course, this is part of foster care. DCS's job is to get kids home, even if us foster parents aren't 100% comfortable with things. I know I don't have a very objective view of all this and I am biased in this situation, but that doesn't make this any easier! I'm just going to keep taking care of W and try to follow my instincts about my feelings toward his mom and what she is capable of. Maybe she is ready to be a mom. And if I know, or at least am pretty sure that she can do this, I'm ok with letting W go.
In Indiana, lawyers can be reimbursed up to $1500 for completing an adoption. The lawyer we are using, and most others according to our caseworker, won't charge families any more than the $1500. So, that means we won't have any cost associated with this adoption. So many people I have talked to say they can't consider adoption because of the cost, but I can say, cost isn't an issue with foster-to-adopt situations.
We have had some other nerve-racking developments this week. I got a call from the caseworker saying that she has discovered some issues with the situation with G and his dad. G is Alexander's half brother (same mom, different dads). He was with us from the time he was a bruised up 6 month old until he was an ornery 21 month old. He was able to be reunited with his dad last May. I was nervous about him leaving, but I felt good about it overall. When I got that call, saying the placement with dad might not be working, my heart sank. A part of me was excited to have G back with us, but a big part of me was dreading the thought of all those visits with dad starting from the beginning again. I was ok to say goodbye to G last May, but I'm not sure how I would feel to say goodbye again. Plus, I would worry about how it would affect Alexander and the girls to have G with us only to leave again. I have said a few times that it isn't as hard as you would think to tell a foster child goodbye, but that doesn't mean it's easy! It's harder on the kids I think, they just aren't able to understand all that's going on well enough. Plus, it's hard for kids to see what is best for someone in the long run vs what's easiest for them in the moment. But, even with all that, I would still take him back in a heart beat if he has to be removed again. The caseworker told me this evening that she is really hoping to not have to remove G. She said even if it comes down to the grandparents taking guardianship for a time while the dad gets himself together again, she will do that.
I'm not sure where W's case is going. We were to the point where the caseworker was going to file termination on the mom next month, which would be 15 months and the point where the state says termination has to be filed. But, the mom has been passing drug tests for the past 2 months. At this point, if she continues to pass screens, the case will continue and the mom will still progress toward getting W home. I'm not sure how to feel about this. I have always said I like this mom, and I still do. But this has gone on so long that I'm not sure what would happen if W went home. His mom is capable of being a great mom. But, I'm not confident in her being able to keep on the right track once the support DCS is giving her is gone. Right now, she is being drug screened weekly and knows that the screens will continue and if she fails one now, this case is basically over. She is getting counseling a couple of times a week. She is getting help with transportation to appointments, to the store, to the library to apply for jobs (the visit supervisor takes her places during visits which I'm not really on board with). We provide everything W needs on a day to day basis including food, clothes, a bed, daycare, going to appointments and therapy. Can she manage everything on her own? I don't know. I know she has been a victim of domestic violence, and that is not something to take lightly. I am so glad she is not in a bad relationship anymore, at least she says she isn't in a relationship. But, I just can't trust that she will stay around the right people, people who will support her and W, help her when she needs it, keep W safe. She lost custody of her daughter a few years ago because she wasn't able to make the right decisions to keep her daughter safe. Maybe she learned her lesson from all that. Maybe she has gotten valuable help from all the counseling she has had in the last year. But, I'm scared to put W into a situation with so many risks. Of course, this is part of foster care. DCS's job is to get kids home, even if us foster parents aren't 100% comfortable with things. I know I don't have a very objective view of all this and I am biased in this situation, but that doesn't make this any easier! I'm just going to keep taking care of W and try to follow my instincts about my feelings toward his mom and what she is capable of. Maybe she is ready to be a mom. And if I know, or at least am pretty sure that she can do this, I'm ok with letting W go.
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
"No, I mean MY mommy"
I haven't figured out exactly how to react (or feel) when Alexander tells me he is talking about his "other" mommy. He doesn't do it very often. And it is usually when he is pretending with his toys that I hear him say it. This pretend play usually involves his half brother too. I think he puts the two of them together in his mind. Probably because the only place he has seen either one of them lately has been at his visits, and they were together then. The other day, he had his cars and was driving them around as they were talking to one another. He didn't really say much, just stuff like "Hi mommy. Hi Bubby". The first time he said "hi mommy", I answered him. He responded with " no, not you".
I know he has a past, despite the fact that I would like to think his life started when he walked through our door. And I know this pretend play is his way of dealing with some of the stuff he has been through, which is a good thing. Still, a part of me feels pretty bad when I hear him talking to his mom. Yes, I want to be the one he thinks of as "mom". But that isn't really the part that bothers me. I know he looks to me when he needs a "mom". And I know he loves me, and the rest of us too. The part that is upsetting to me is the fact that he would want to talk to his mom. He has never had a healthy relationship with her. She has expressed that she never wanted him and has never made any qualms about saying so. Why would he want to play with her. I can understand pretending to tell her off, that would feel healthy to me! But he talks in a nice, casual way when he pretends to talk to her. I guess I don't want him having a fanticized image of his mom as he grows up. I don't want him to get older and resent me for keeping him from his mom, or the mom he has built up in his mind.
I haven't said anything about his mom to him, good or bad. I think I have needed a break from thinking about everything for a little bit. It has been such a relief since the visits have stopped.
But that brings up another thing that has surprised me. Alexander has asked me a couple of times if it is time for his visit. When I say no, we aren't going to a visit today, he responds with "yes, I am". That's another mystery to me. The visits were terrible. Alexander was miserable and acted out for
days afterward. Why would he ask to go back? He should be singing praises that he doesn't have to go back ever again. That's what I have been doing! But, I guess that's why it's called a learning experience, if things went like I thought they would, there would be no learning going on. I have always said I like learning, maybe that statement is coming back to bite me now.
Our adoption attorney has said she thinks Alexander's adoption should be finished by the end of the year. That is pretty exciting news. But, as I have learned from all this, finalizing this adoption will be a much bigger deal to me than it is to him!
I know he has a past, despite the fact that I would like to think his life started when he walked through our door. And I know this pretend play is his way of dealing with some of the stuff he has been through, which is a good thing. Still, a part of me feels pretty bad when I hear him talking to his mom. Yes, I want to be the one he thinks of as "mom". But that isn't really the part that bothers me. I know he looks to me when he needs a "mom". And I know he loves me, and the rest of us too. The part that is upsetting to me is the fact that he would want to talk to his mom. He has never had a healthy relationship with her. She has expressed that she never wanted him and has never made any qualms about saying so. Why would he want to play with her. I can understand pretending to tell her off, that would feel healthy to me! But he talks in a nice, casual way when he pretends to talk to her. I guess I don't want him having a fanticized image of his mom as he grows up. I don't want him to get older and resent me for keeping him from his mom, or the mom he has built up in his mind.
I haven't said anything about his mom to him, good or bad. I think I have needed a break from thinking about everything for a little bit. It has been such a relief since the visits have stopped.
But that brings up another thing that has surprised me. Alexander has asked me a couple of times if it is time for his visit. When I say no, we aren't going to a visit today, he responds with "yes, I am". That's another mystery to me. The visits were terrible. Alexander was miserable and acted out for
days afterward. Why would he ask to go back? He should be singing praises that he doesn't have to go back ever again. That's what I have been doing! But, I guess that's why it's called a learning experience, if things went like I thought they would, there would be no learning going on. I have always said I like learning, maybe that statement is coming back to bite me now.
Our adoption attorney has said she thinks Alexander's adoption should be finished by the end of the year. That is pretty exciting news. But, as I have learned from all this, finalizing this adoption will be a much bigger deal to me than it is to him!
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