I haven't figured out exactly how to react (or feel) when Alexander tells me he is talking about his "other" mommy. He doesn't do it very often. And it is usually when he is pretending with his toys that I hear him say it. This pretend play usually involves his half brother too. I think he puts the two of them together in his mind. Probably because the only place he has seen either one of them lately has been at his visits, and they were together then. The other day, he had his cars and was driving them around as they were talking to one another. He didn't really say much, just stuff like "Hi mommy. Hi Bubby". The first time he said "hi mommy", I answered him. He responded with " no, not you".
I know he has a past, despite the fact that I would like to think his life started when he walked through our door. And I know this pretend play is his way of dealing with some of the stuff he has been through, which is a good thing. Still, a part of me feels pretty bad when I hear him talking to his mom. Yes, I want to be the one he thinks of as "mom". But that isn't really the part that bothers me. I know he looks to me when he needs a "mom". And I know he loves me, and the rest of us too. The part that is upsetting to me is the fact that he would want to talk to his mom. He has never had a healthy relationship with her. She has expressed that she never wanted him and has never made any qualms about saying so. Why would he want to play with her. I can understand pretending to tell her off, that would feel healthy to me! But he talks in a nice, casual way when he pretends to talk to her. I guess I don't want him having a fanticized image of his mom as he grows up. I don't want him to get older and resent me for keeping him from his mom, or the mom he has built up in his mind.
I haven't said anything about his mom to him, good or bad. I think I have needed a break from thinking about everything for a little bit. It has been such a relief since the visits have stopped.
But that brings up another thing that has surprised me. Alexander has asked me a couple of times if it is time for his visit. When I say no, we aren't going to a visit today, he responds with "yes, I am". That's another mystery to me. The visits were terrible. Alexander was miserable and acted out for
days afterward. Why would he ask to go back? He should be singing praises that he doesn't have to go back ever again. That's what I have been doing! But, I guess that's why it's called a learning experience, if things went like I thought they would, there would be no learning going on. I have always said I like learning, maybe that statement is coming back to bite me now.
Our adoption attorney has said she thinks Alexander's adoption should be finished by the end of the year. That is pretty exciting news. But, as I have learned from all this, finalizing this adoption will be a much bigger deal to me than it is to him!
I know he has a past, despite the fact that I would like to think his life started when he walked through our door. And I know this pretend play is his way of dealing with some of the stuff he has been through, which is a good thing. Still, a part of me feels pretty bad when I hear him talking to his mom. Yes, I want to be the one he thinks of as "mom". But that isn't really the part that bothers me. I know he looks to me when he needs a "mom". And I know he loves me, and the rest of us too. The part that is upsetting to me is the fact that he would want to talk to his mom. He has never had a healthy relationship with her. She has expressed that she never wanted him and has never made any qualms about saying so. Why would he want to play with her. I can understand pretending to tell her off, that would feel healthy to me! But he talks in a nice, casual way when he pretends to talk to her. I guess I don't want him having a fanticized image of his mom as he grows up. I don't want him to get older and resent me for keeping him from his mom, or the mom he has built up in his mind.
I haven't said anything about his mom to him, good or bad. I think I have needed a break from thinking about everything for a little bit. It has been such a relief since the visits have stopped.
But that brings up another thing that has surprised me. Alexander has asked me a couple of times if it is time for his visit. When I say no, we aren't going to a visit today, he responds with "yes, I am". That's another mystery to me. The visits were terrible. Alexander was miserable and acted out for
days afterward. Why would he ask to go back? He should be singing praises that he doesn't have to go back ever again. That's what I have been doing! But, I guess that's why it's called a learning experience, if things went like I thought they would, there would be no learning going on. I have always said I like learning, maybe that statement is coming back to bite me now.
Our adoption attorney has said she thinks Alexander's adoption should be finished by the end of the year. That is pretty exciting news. But, as I have learned from all this, finalizing this adoption will be a much bigger deal to me than it is to him!
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