Cruising along

Nothing major has happened over the past couple weeks.

We are adjusting to being a family of 6 after being a family of 7 for the past six months.   Who would have thought that it would be easier having 4 kids vs 5? ;)  Z has asked a few times where his brother is.  He is satisfied with my answer when I tell him G went to live with his dad.  He has seen G twice during visits with the mom, and I think that has helped.

As far as behaviors with Z, we are still seeing them for a few days after the visits.  I know all 2 year olds have temper tantrums, but these are constant and mostly only on the days following a visit.  The next court date for the termination hearing is June 14th -that will be the initial hearing- then the fact finding hearing will be August 3rd.  I'm not totally sure what all can/will happen during those hearings but we will find out soon.  Hopefully all of this will be coming to an end--and with the results we are hoping for.  I'm not sure what I would do if Z had to go back to his mom. I am 99.99% sure that would never happen, but with foster care, nothing is 100%.  I know she doesn't want him, she has said that many times.  And I believe he would be in danger if he was with her without supervision.  And, I am not the only one who feels this way so I believe that is something we will never have to worry about.   

As far as W, his mom has basically gotten to the point that she isn't going to be able to get W back into her care.  She has failed most of the drug screens she has been given.  She has been released from her drug counseling program because she missed too many appointments.  She is supposed to be calling to get into an inpatient program, but to my knowledge has not made that call yet.  I hope she hasn't given up because she doesn't think she can do this, but I believe that's probably what has happened.  The caseworker told me last week that she is going to talk to everyone involved about placing W with his paternal aunt.  This particular aunt has expressed several times that she wants W and she has been pretty upset that she hasn't gotten the chance to have him yet.  The main reason she doesn't have him is the first two times she asked, the judge said he "wasn't comfortable placing W with any part of that family".  At that point, the caseworker felt there was no point in pursuing that road.  But that wasn't necessarily because they felt like the aunt was a bad choice, but because its impossible to get something accomplished once the judge has made up his mind.   But now that so much time has passed and this aunt still wants W, and its looking like he won't be going home, the aunt might start looking a little better.

Another reason they are looking at the aunt again is because the caseworker believes a guardianship arrangement can be worked out.  We were asked if we would consider guardianship, but we said no.  Its not to the point that we would have been able to do that now, the caseworker just wanted to know if we would consider it if the situation came to that.  We said no for several reasons.  A guardianship is not a permanent arrangement.  At any point, the mom could get herself clean and go back to court and regain custody of W.  Not that we wouldn't want W to have the opportunity to go back to his mom, but if his mom kept her parental rights, it would feel like this case was never closed.  W would never have that sense of permanency that I think is important.   It just isn't a stress we are willing to volunteer for.  The aunt taking guardianship is a different story. It would be simpler for her.  So, we should know more about that in the next few weeks.  Its possible she would be granted placement in a few weeks. 

What would we do as a family of 5?!

Here is a picture of everyone helping with the installation of our new septic tanks.  Exciting huh?

It didn't go like we expected, but ....

We did have our court date on Monday.  We expected both Z's parents to sign over their parental rights, because both had said that's what they wanted.

Z's dad had asked to meet with us before court to talk some things over with us.  We were both pretty nervous about that meeting.  I had no idea what he was going to say to us, and there is always that little part of me that was afraid he was going to say he had changed his mind.  While we were waiting for him, Nathan and I sat and wondered how this would go.  He was several minutes late, so we had just about given up on him when he pulled up.  Neither of us had seen him since Z had been placed with us last November.  He had been granted weekend visitation, but had not seen Z once since this started.  He walked up and shook Nathan's hand and said hello to me.  We all sat down and he explained why he wanted to see us.

He said he knew we wanted to adopt Z and that is what he wanted too.  He wanted us to know he still loved his son, and always would, but he knew we were the ones who should raise him and be his parents.   He said that when Z went into foster care, he wanted to be sure he came to us and he would have fought to get him to us.  He explained a little about why he couldn't be a parent to Z, and it all made sense to us.  He was honest and sincere, which was good to hear.  The last thing he said was, he wanted Nathan to promise to be a good dad to Z, because Z deserved that. That's when I lost it and cried!  Nathan promised, and I told him that Nathan is a good dad.  He said he wanted us to know, he would always be Z's father, but from this point on, Nathan is his dad.  It was the most tear jerking thing I have ever been through!  But, it made us feel better to have an explanation from him and now we have something we can share with Z some day about his birth father.  Plus, I will feel better knowing that Z's dad is happy with where he is and knows he is in the best place for him.  So, the paperwork isn't actually signed yet, but our lawyer is working with DCS to get everything to Z's dad to get completed.  It will be done soon.

The part that didn't go as planned came when it got to the mom. She had said a few times that she wanted to sign her rights over so we could adopt Z, and had even tried to do it twice but technicalities came up that kept her from signing.  Once we got into court, it was a whole different thing.  She had changed her mind and was not going to sign.  She claimed she had been influenced by DCS to say she wanted to sign over rights.  It was ridiculous.   The judge obviously wasn't buying the story.  Everyone gave their reports and recommendations, all saying Z should stop visits with his mom because they are harmful to him and rights should be terminated. 
Here's the really shocking part--- despite all these reports, the judge ordered that visits continue.  I couldn't believe what he was saying.  How could he contradict what all of these people were saying and put Z through further trauma unnecessarily?  We were both pretty upset about it.  The caseworker called me about 30 minutes after we left to make sure I was ok, she knew I was not happy.

DCS is still filing termination paperwork on the mom.  So it will still happen, but as the CASA put it, "it will be ugly".  DCS will put together a case as to why rights need to be terminated and several witnesses will be called.  DCS has no shortage of witnesses in this either.  I don't think this mom has any idea of what she is about to put herself through. 

The judge approved the trial home placement to begin with G.  We will take him to his dad's tomorrow evening.  I am happy for them. G's dad and his girlfriend are excited to begin their life as a family with G. I think its going to work out and they will do well.  The only good thing about Z continuing visits with his mom, is G will also be at those visits.  So, Z will get a chance to see his brother on a regular basis, and, I will get to see him too.  It will make this transition a little easier on everyone I think. 

Monday will be a big day!!

This coming Monday will finally be our court date for the boys.  ---Barring any more continuances---  Big things will be happening that day.  The boys' mom is still saying she will sign papers that terminate her rights for Z and list us as the adoptive parents.  Z's dad finally returned DCS's calls and has said he will sign this same paperwork.  The caseworker told me last week that it was time for us to get an attorney for Z's adoption.  She gave me the name of one DCS uses a lot and Nathan gave her a call that day.  We filled out some forms and will know more about that process after Monday.  Technically, this could all be done in three months.  The court is required to wait three months before finalizing an adoption to give the parents a chance to change their minds about terminating their rights.  So, we have to wait at least 3 months.  But as long as we can get a court date fairly quickly, it shouldn't be much longer than that I don't think.  We have picked a sort of new name for our little guy, I will let you know more about that after court.  I think I can post some pictures after court too. 

Also on Monday, DCS will be asking for G's trial home visit to start.  The caseworker said she is planning to send G to his dad's next weekend and then he will stay there from that point on.  I'm a little nervous about this, but excited too.  G's dad is so excited, I can't help but be happy for him.  I talked to him on the phone today and told him I was going to be sad to see G leave, but I'm happy with where he's going.  He again reassured me that he wants G to see his brother, so we won't be rid of him completely.  That does make me feel better.

So, that is a lot to happen in one day.  We will essentially be gaining a son on the same day as we lose one.  It won't be as dramatic as that though.  It will be a happy day for us. 

As far as W's case, its going no where.  His mom continues to let us all down.  She has failed a few more drug tests.  I was talking with the caseworker for his case this week and we both agreed that something seems different with this mom.   She is still loving and good with W, but she seems to have a different attitude.  She hasn't been going to appointments with me, she doesn't make comments like "I am going to do whatever it takes to get him home" like she was before.  She hasn't been the least bit emotional when someone reminds her that her time to get W back is running out.  At the last court hearing, the judge changed her permanency plan from "reunification" to "termination" and she didn't react at all.  She seems checked out from the situation.  I don't think its because she doesn't want her baby, I think its because she knows she can't, or won't, do the things she must do to get him home.  She isn't keeping herself clean and she doesn't seem to be terribly motivated to make any changes.  We have talked with the caseworker and the CASA about the possibility of us adopting W if it does come to terminating his mom's rights.  Both agree this would be a good place for him.  So, that may be in our future, who knows? 

For now, we are pretty focused on successfully getting G with his dad and getting Z to be a permanent fixture in our family.  If foster care is nothing else, its always changing and never in the way you expected.