Alexander has been great the past few months now. He has blossomed into a happy, growing, talkative, loving little boy. About 2 months after his visits with his mom stopped, we started seeing changes happening. He wasn't getting upset every five minutes. He wasn't hitting the other kids all day long. He wasn't demanding to be held constantly. He was just happier. It was amazing to watch. Sad too, though.
I was hoping things would be better when the visits stopped, but I wasn't sure it would happen. We knew that Alexander had been abused and neglected and his mom had played a big part in that. But would simply not seeing her for those couple of hours a week make a difference? It did. And, thank goodness!
The thing I feel bad about is that he hasn't seen his brother, G, either. I haven't talked directly to G's dad, but I have been told through a few people involved with the case that he wants to get the boys together. I understand what he is wanting to do, and I think he has good intentions. He wants G to know his brother and maintain a sibling relationship with him. But, being a parent to G is different from being a parent to Alexander. Not to pat ourselves on the back, but we gave G a good start in his life. He was subjected to some terrible stuff, but he came to our family when he was only 6 months old. He doesn't remember being abused or neglected. And, the shorter time he was subjected to all that, I think, has made a big difference in the way he reacts to things. G acts like a typical kid. He is happy and carefree, like a kid should be. Still, Alexander is very observant of his surroundings. He asks frequently what we are doing, whats happening next, and who will be there. His start in life was different than G's and we haven't gotten him completely beyond that yet.
So for the two boys to see each other probably would be a good experience for G. He would have fun playing with his brother and probably talk about it for a few days. But for Alexander, it would be different. Visiting with G would get him thinking about his mom again. It would remind him that he used to go to visits, but doesn't any more. It would affect him for a while, and I can't say how long. As his mom, I can't subject Alexander to something that will affect him in a negative way. Not when I can't see a benefit, anyway.
I do think it may be good to get the boys together later, I'm not sure how much later, but definitely later. Alexander has made strong bonds with Hannah and Addison, but I know some day he will want to know his brother. During our foster care classes, our instructor brought in her adopted son to talk. He was adopted around age 4 I think. His family was made up of several children, all adopted. He did have one biological brother that wasn't placed with him (this happened 20 years ago and things have changed now). He explained that he loves his adopted family and feels a bond with them, but felt like it would feel different to be with his biological brother. He felt like that bond would be stronger or just feel different. He hadn't met his brother yet so he couldn't say how he felt about him. I would be interested to hear how things went when they did meet.
But anyway, the lesson I learned from that story was, even though this guy had a healthy bond with his adopted family, and knew why he had been adopted, and knew that it was the best thing for him, he still felt like his biological family would be better in some way. I don't want Alexander to always feel like he is missing out on something by being adopted. If he sees G some, hopefully he will know that his bond with us is just as strong as one he would have with his biological family.
Reading back over this, I guess I have gotten away from the original point of this post. So, to sum up, Alexander is doing great. He has made great strides over the past year, but even greater ones over the past couple of months. We are so happy to have him as a part of our family, and I think he is pretty happy to be here too.
I was hoping things would be better when the visits stopped, but I wasn't sure it would happen. We knew that Alexander had been abused and neglected and his mom had played a big part in that. But would simply not seeing her for those couple of hours a week make a difference? It did. And, thank goodness!
The thing I feel bad about is that he hasn't seen his brother, G, either. I haven't talked directly to G's dad, but I have been told through a few people involved with the case that he wants to get the boys together. I understand what he is wanting to do, and I think he has good intentions. He wants G to know his brother and maintain a sibling relationship with him. But, being a parent to G is different from being a parent to Alexander. Not to pat ourselves on the back, but we gave G a good start in his life. He was subjected to some terrible stuff, but he came to our family when he was only 6 months old. He doesn't remember being abused or neglected. And, the shorter time he was subjected to all that, I think, has made a big difference in the way he reacts to things. G acts like a typical kid. He is happy and carefree, like a kid should be. Still, Alexander is very observant of his surroundings. He asks frequently what we are doing, whats happening next, and who will be there. His start in life was different than G's and we haven't gotten him completely beyond that yet.
So for the two boys to see each other probably would be a good experience for G. He would have fun playing with his brother and probably talk about it for a few days. But for Alexander, it would be different. Visiting with G would get him thinking about his mom again. It would remind him that he used to go to visits, but doesn't any more. It would affect him for a while, and I can't say how long. As his mom, I can't subject Alexander to something that will affect him in a negative way. Not when I can't see a benefit, anyway.
I do think it may be good to get the boys together later, I'm not sure how much later, but definitely later. Alexander has made strong bonds with Hannah and Addison, but I know some day he will want to know his brother. During our foster care classes, our instructor brought in her adopted son to talk. He was adopted around age 4 I think. His family was made up of several children, all adopted. He did have one biological brother that wasn't placed with him (this happened 20 years ago and things have changed now). He explained that he loves his adopted family and feels a bond with them, but felt like it would feel different to be with his biological brother. He felt like that bond would be stronger or just feel different. He hadn't met his brother yet so he couldn't say how he felt about him. I would be interested to hear how things went when they did meet.
But anyway, the lesson I learned from that story was, even though this guy had a healthy bond with his adopted family, and knew why he had been adopted, and knew that it was the best thing for him, he still felt like his biological family would be better in some way. I don't want Alexander to always feel like he is missing out on something by being adopted. If he sees G some, hopefully he will know that his bond with us is just as strong as one he would have with his biological family.
Reading back over this, I guess I have gotten away from the original point of this post. So, to sum up, Alexander is doing great. He has made great strides over the past year, but even greater ones over the past couple of months. We are so happy to have him as a part of our family, and I think he is pretty happy to be here too.
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