Me? Stubborn?

I was talking to a friend tonight about how things went in court today.  She told me she admired us for doing all this and fighting for this little boy of ours.  My response was "Thanks, but I think we just didn't know what we were getting ourselves into!". When I told Nathan about my conversation, he said, "What do you mean we didn't know, they talked a bunch in training about how these cases can go". 

I don't like to be wrong.  And I really don't like to admit when I'm wrong.  So, I'm going to take the route of, "I did know what foster care could be like, but I had to verify it for myself to make sure what I was told was actually true".  And.... its true.

We went to court today and after an anguishing few days preparing myself for it, we still don't know anything.  I knew we wouldn't have an answer today because the judge always takes several days to make a decision in a termination case.  But, maybe just to solidify my lesson on how the trainers were in fact right when they said these cases can be long, drawn out, and stressful, the second half of today's court date was continued.  CONTINUED!!  That means no decision today, no decision next week, maybe not even next month.  Its hard to say when court will be rescheduled because some of the lawyers are about to go on vacation.  And, of course they aren't all off during the same week, so that will draw this out even longer. 

So, OK, OK, I admit it.  If I didn't know before what kind of journey we were embarking on, I know it now.  I'm not stupid enough to say when its going to be over either.  I will just get back on the crazy bus and see where it takes us. 

Anyone want to make me a stiff drink?

Court was actually today... 

We have court tomorrow.  This will be the hearing to terminate parental rights for both of Isaiah's parents.  Once parental rights are terminated, we can move towards starting the adoption process.  So, tomorrow is a very important step. 

The part that makes me think about needing a new method of stress relief is the court hearing itself.  No one is positive things will go like we think they should.  I met with everyone involved including the DCS lawyer this week.  He felt like this really isn't a strong case.  He feels termination is the right step, but he isn't totally confident that the judge will grant termination.  He feels there just isn't a lot of strong evidence against the mom.  Which is true, she has been a participant in this all along, but hasn't done anything beyond participate.  There have been concrete issues such as drugs, and she has been caught in lies.  But she has never missed a visit and she is good with Isaiah during her visits.  The thing is, no one can be sure the judge will see the issues as enough to warrant termination.

I wasn't sure the lawyer would want to have me testify because I didn't know how much I would be able to contribute.  But, it turns out he is going to ask me about several things in court.  So I will have to testify.  I'm not looking forward to it.  Both parents will be in the court room, along with their lawyers, and of course the judge, and that will be it.  No one else is allowed in during these hearings.  So, that means I won't know what else has been said, how things seem to be going, nothing.  I will just go in, take the witness stand, and answer questions.  I'm hoping the parents' lawyers won't ask me much. 

We won't have the judge's decision for a few days.  He will hear all the testimony tomorrow and make a decision next week. 

If he decides termination isn't appropriate, the case will basically start over. 

So, my nerves are a bit on edge today. 

Could it be?

We finally have a new court date for TPR, September 20.  That means this case could be over in a month.  Of course, the chances of it going on longer are always there, it was supposed to be done in June.

I'm going to be so relieved when this is all done.  Its been a headache for it to go on so long, but its been also nerve racking.  I have no doubt that the dad's rights will be terminated.  But, I'm reluctant to be so confident about the mom's rights.  I'm sure it will get done, but there's always the chance that the judge will feel there isn't enough evidence to justify terminating mom's rights.  I know she can't be a full time mom, but she has a lot going for her too.  She loves Isaiah.  She is good to him during visits.  She has never missed a visit-- in two years time.  But that's not to say she's a model parent either.  She's had several positive drug screens.  She has lied about who lives with her.  She has been kicked out of drug treatment twice.  And there have been other issues come up through out the past 2 years.  So, even though I think its a cut and dry case, I'm not the judge.  Plus, my view might be somewhat skewed, I mean I have taken care of this little boy since he was a tiny baby.  He's a part of our family now.

So, hopefully this will be done next month.  Then, no more visits! We can start the adoption process!  We will be one giant step closer to having a new permanent member of our family!

I think Isaiah is going to be in foster care until he starts kindergarten! Maybe not quite that long, but that's not too much of an exaggeration.  The original court date for termination was in the beginning of June.  It was continued until August 10.  Now, it has been continued again.  The caseworker told us she thinks it will be October before we get another date.

So, if rights finally get terminated in October, we will still have to wait 6 months before we can finalize his adoption.  So that means, the earliest will be April of 2014.  Isaiah will turn 3 in April.  He came to us when he was 3 months old.

I know lots of cases go on this long, but its frustrating that now its the lawyers who are dragging this out.  Both parents have public defenders.  Both of those lawyers have asked for continuances because of schedule conflicts.  Its just frustrating. 

But it will get done eventually.  And then this little guy will be a Coe forever.

The Terrible Twos are in Full Swing!

Isaiah has discovered that he has a temper.  And, he has decided that he needs to continue trying out this temper to see what will happen.  He must feel like he hasn't perfected the art of throwing a tantrum yet because he practices frequently throughout the day. 

I know its a normal part of being two, but I hope he figures out soon that throwing a temper tantrum equals not getting what he threw the tantrum about in the first place.  I don't know how many more tantrums my sanity can calmly take. 

We still don't know for sure how being exposed to alcohol prenatally will affect him, but so far I don't think these tantrums are related to that.  His mom has said she drank throughout her pregnancy, and my guess is she used cocaine too since she has used regularly for the last 2 years, so we know he was exposed. 

The doctor has said it is a good sign that he has hit his developmental milestones within the normal range.  But, she says we could still see issues once he gets to be school age.  Hopefully not, but we will cross that bridge when we get there.

I hate to admit it, but he does do some questionable things sometimes. He is always getting himself stuck places.  He gets stuck under the kitchen chairs quite frequently! Its pretty much a daily occurrence that I hear his little voice yell "Mom! I stuck!!" followed by me trying not to laugh as I discover exactly what he's stuck in this time.  The picture below should give you a pretty good idea of what I'm dealing with!

All joking aside, and if I overlook the two year old stuff, this is a pretty awesome little boy.

Waiting, still waiting...

Things have not went as expected lately as far as Isaiah's case goes.  We were supposed to have the final hearing for the termination of parental rights last week, but it was continued due to a conflict in one of the lawyer's schedules. 

I hate when court gets continued.  I don't like going to court anyway.  But when I know its coming up, I get myself mentally prepared for it.  Then, when it gets continued, I have to go through all that again.  And, this was the worst hearing to be continued.  It would have been the last time we had to go to court with these parents.  And, afterwards, visits should have been done for good.  And, most importantly, we would have been able to get started on the adoption process.

Now, we are still doing weekly visits with the mom and still waiting on a new court date.  I'm guessing it will be about a month away.  But its hard to say for sure. 

I am surprised by this, but I think the mom is almost as ready for this to be over as I am.  She has been acting differently at the visits lately.  She doesn't try to pick up Isaiah when we get there, she hardly says hello to him, and she barely says goodbye when we leave.  It makes sense that she would start to distance herself from him at this point, its probably her way of protecting herself from all of this.  But at the same time, she knows she can end all this by voluntarily signing over her rights.  She has made it clear she won't do that though. 

There is something else going on with her, but I haven't figured out what it is yet.  She cut her hair and started wearing it a different way a couple weeks ago (after wearing it exactly the same for the 2 years I have known her).  She has also been wearing new clothes and shoes (after wearing worn out things all this time).  And some different furniture has appeared in her apartment.  So, money is coming from somewhere.  And she doesn't have a job. I don't know if its a new boyfriend or a new money making venture (we know she has done prostitution in the past), or family could be sending money, who knows.  I'm so thankful visits are supervised!

But, even though we don't know when it will be yet, there is an end in sight. So, we will all continue to muddle through until court happens.

The awkward stage has begun....

Isaiah's case is nearing the end. We all know it. We all know how things will go. 

I think Isaiah's mom is well aware that her time with him is limited.  She knows we have said we want her to continue a relationship with Isaiah after termination, but I'm sure she also knows we won't be bringing him over to her house once or twice a week and leaving him for a few hours.  Its going to be more like we may meet her at the park and she can play with Isaiah for a little while every few months. 

I know Isaiah will adjust to fewer visits without a problem.  He has a relationship with his mom, but its not a parent/child relationship.  For the last 22 months, he has spent a couple of hours at a time with her, usually with another adult present, and then I come pick him up and we go home.  He likes seeing her, but he will be fine with not seeing her too.  His mom on the other hand, will have a hard time with not seeing him so often.  She feels she she has a bond with him like a mother should and loves him very much.  I know she is unhappy with how this has ended up and is dreading the end of weekly visits.  But, she has been the one in control of the fate of this case. Feeling like a mother is different than acting like a mother.  The mom has known what was expected of her from the beginning, yet she has made no changes in her life.  Right now, and no time in the future as far as I can see, will she be able to take care of Isaiah.  She can't keep him safe.  She can't put him first.  So, the case is going to be ending soon, and rightfully so.

All of this is common knowledge between us, the caseworkers, and the mom.  So, every time I take Isaiah to a visit, we have to muddle through a very awkward few minutes.  The case manager who supervises the visits is frequently a few minutes late because she comes directly from another appointment.  So that gives us those few more minutes to stand there waiting for her to get there.  Since its just me, the mom, and Isaiah-with Alexander usually waiting in the car not so patiently waiting, we stand outside my car and try to talk about Isaiah without actually discussing anything of significance or relevance to the case. 

Last week, Isaiah didn't want me to put him down.  When I did finally put him down, he turned right back around and reached for me while yelling "Mommy!".  Talk about awkward! I just picked him back up and hugged him, but didn't say anything.  Of course, his mom didn't say anything either. 
I don't know what to say.  "Sorry your kid looks to me as his mom instead of you, but its actually your fault so deal with it" doesn't rely seem like an appropriate option. So we stand there and comment on how Isaiah likes trucks and motorcycles. Its fun. Not. 

But, that's how this all goes. Its just part of the process. And, I know it could be worse. I could be standing there while the mom told me everything she hated about the way I am taking care of her son.  She could be blaming this all on me.  Or even worse, she could be mean to Isaiah during the visits.  But none of those things happen.  I am grateful for that.

 This will all be over soon and we can get into the groove of a normal family life. I don't think we will have too much trouble with that adjustment.

Alexander has been doing well.  His attitude continues to improve.  He is less moody than he was.  He's been driving me crazy with his whining, but that's normal 3 year old stuff.  I can see him continuing to develop relationships with us and our extended family.  That is a good thing for sure.  He just seems happier.  We saw a huge improvement in his overall mood right at first, but then it felt like he kind of stayed at that point for a long time.  Now, we are seeing improvement again.  It's slower improvement now, but I think that's a healthy sign.