Here we go again. The ups and downs of foster care are getting to me today. I feel like I have been on the phone all day, which is hard to believe because I was also at work for about 10 hours today. W's mom is going to give me a stroke from all this. She has been doing really well lately. I talked with the caseworker on Tuesday and we both agreed that things were leaning more toward W going home. All the drug screens have been clean for almost 3 months now. The mom has been talkative and happy when I see her. I have been thinking she might be taking steps in the right direction. The next step is unsupervised visits. Then, today happens.
When I got to the mom's house to drop W off for his visit on Monday, the mom was standing at the visit supervisor's car talking. I got him out of the car and walked up. The mom told me that she had found her pilot light off on her stove and so she didn't want to be in the house for a while. The visit supervisor suggested they go to the library for a while. I handed W over and they all loaded into the car and left. It was no big deal, they go to the library sometimes during visits so I didn't think a thing about it.
Then, when I got there for Wednesday's visit, it was a similar scene. The mom was outside. This time, she needed the visit supervisor to do the visit someplace else because her furnace was being worked on. This time I was suspicious. She was obviously keeping us out, I just didn't know why.
I called the visit supervisor today because we needed to talk about this. She told me she had some concerns too and was glad I called. Of course she was thinking the same thing I was, what or who was she keeping us from seeing? She was going to do some investigating and get back to me. I called the caseworker to let her know about these concerns too. I got her voice mail so I called the CASA next.
Again--I'm so thankful for CASAs! She was driving near the mom's apartment anyway, so she drove past. She saw a man who she initially thought was W's dad, but turns out it wasn't. She went up to the door and the man answered. He wouldn't tell her his name, but he did say he was living there. This was the reason the mom was keeping us out of the apartment.
I was shocked. I shouldn't have been, but I was-- and still am. This is a game changer, I think. How could this mom have a man living in her apartment and not let anyone know? My guess is he has a criminal record, so she wanted to keep everyone from knowing about him. There is no problem with her having a boyfriend, but she can't have someone around W without being able to show it is a safe situation. The only explanation for her keeping this guy a secret is that she knows he is bad news. So, she knows this, and she knows that she can't keep this guy a secret for long. And, she knows that her actions are going to end up keeping her from getting W home. That's where the shock comes in. How can she afford to do something so detrimental to this case at this point? She knows that she is so close to loosing W for good and any mistake at this point is going to be huge. But she also knows that her screens have been clean for 3 months, and that is huge.
The visit supervisor (who is also a counselor of some sort) feels the mom is self sabotaging. She is going to talk point blank with the mom about this. She is going to tell her she knows about this new guy and the mom has to tell him to leave for visits because these are her visits and she should not be leaving her own house like this. That won't work because this mom can't demand anything from anyone. She can't give an answer when she is asked a question. Her response is always "whatever you think". She thinks the mom knows W is safe with us and feels relieved and satisfied with that. She wants to talk to the mom about this and try to get an honest answer from her. Again, she won't get an honest answer, because the mom can't stand up for herself.
I hope the caseworker takes this all seriously. I hope she puts some consequences in place because of this. That has been some of the problem. The mom gets 3 visits a week for 3 hours each, that is a lot of visits. Even after several bad drug screens, her visits haven't changed. I feel like the visits should be reduced and moved to the office, not in the home. She has shown that she can't maintain a safe home--again, so how can the visits continue in the home.
I don't know, I'm frustrated I guess.
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Alexander's caseworker stopped by this evening. She brought by some paperwork we need to sign to get the next step of the adoption going. Nothing too exciting, just some papers to allow our lawyer to get reimbursement for her work on the case and a few other technical things. Still, it's one step closer and that is exciting.
In Indiana, lawyers can be reimbursed up to $1500 for completing an adoption. The lawyer we are using, and most others according to our caseworker, won't charge families any more than the $1500. So, that means we won't have any cost associated with this adoption. So many people I have talked to say they can't consider adoption because of the cost, but I can say, cost isn't an issue with foster-to-adopt situations.
We have had some other nerve-racking developments this week. I got a call from the caseworker saying that she has discovered some issues with the situation with G and his dad. G is Alexander's half brother (same mom, different dads). He was with us from the time he was a bruised up 6 month old until he was an ornery 21 month old. He was able to be reunited with his dad last May. I was nervous about him leaving, but I felt good about it overall. When I got that call, saying the placement with dad might not be working, my heart sank. A part of me was excited to have G back with us, but a big part of me was dreading the thought of all those visits with dad starting from the beginning again. I was ok to say goodbye to G last May, but I'm not sure how I would feel to say goodbye again. Plus, I would worry about how it would affect Alexander and the girls to have G with us only to leave again. I have said a few times that it isn't as hard as you would think to tell a foster child goodbye, but that doesn't mean it's easy! It's harder on the kids I think, they just aren't able to understand all that's going on well enough. Plus, it's hard for kids to see what is best for someone in the long run vs what's easiest for them in the moment. But, even with all that, I would still take him back in a heart beat if he has to be removed again. The caseworker told me this evening that she is really hoping to not have to remove G. She said even if it comes down to the grandparents taking guardianship for a time while the dad gets himself together again, she will do that.
I'm not sure where W's case is going. We were to the point where the caseworker was going to file termination on the mom next month, which would be 15 months and the point where the state says termination has to be filed. But, the mom has been passing drug tests for the past 2 months. At this point, if she continues to pass screens, the case will continue and the mom will still progress toward getting W home. I'm not sure how to feel about this. I have always said I like this mom, and I still do. But this has gone on so long that I'm not sure what would happen if W went home. His mom is capable of being a great mom. But, I'm not confident in her being able to keep on the right track once the support DCS is giving her is gone. Right now, she is being drug screened weekly and knows that the screens will continue and if she fails one now, this case is basically over. She is getting counseling a couple of times a week. She is getting help with transportation to appointments, to the store, to the library to apply for jobs (the visit supervisor takes her places during visits which I'm not really on board with). We provide everything W needs on a day to day basis including food, clothes, a bed, daycare, going to appointments and therapy. Can she manage everything on her own? I don't know. I know she has been a victim of domestic violence, and that is not something to take lightly. I am so glad she is not in a bad relationship anymore, at least she says she isn't in a relationship. But, I just can't trust that she will stay around the right people, people who will support her and W, help her when she needs it, keep W safe. She lost custody of her daughter a few years ago because she wasn't able to make the right decisions to keep her daughter safe. Maybe she learned her lesson from all that. Maybe she has gotten valuable help from all the counseling she has had in the last year. But, I'm scared to put W into a situation with so many risks. Of course, this is part of foster care. DCS's job is to get kids home, even if us foster parents aren't 100% comfortable with things. I know I don't have a very objective view of all this and I am biased in this situation, but that doesn't make this any easier! I'm just going to keep taking care of W and try to follow my instincts about my feelings toward his mom and what she is capable of. Maybe she is ready to be a mom. And if I know, or at least am pretty sure that she can do this, I'm ok with letting W go.
In Indiana, lawyers can be reimbursed up to $1500 for completing an adoption. The lawyer we are using, and most others according to our caseworker, won't charge families any more than the $1500. So, that means we won't have any cost associated with this adoption. So many people I have talked to say they can't consider adoption because of the cost, but I can say, cost isn't an issue with foster-to-adopt situations.
We have had some other nerve-racking developments this week. I got a call from the caseworker saying that she has discovered some issues with the situation with G and his dad. G is Alexander's half brother (same mom, different dads). He was with us from the time he was a bruised up 6 month old until he was an ornery 21 month old. He was able to be reunited with his dad last May. I was nervous about him leaving, but I felt good about it overall. When I got that call, saying the placement with dad might not be working, my heart sank. A part of me was excited to have G back with us, but a big part of me was dreading the thought of all those visits with dad starting from the beginning again. I was ok to say goodbye to G last May, but I'm not sure how I would feel to say goodbye again. Plus, I would worry about how it would affect Alexander and the girls to have G with us only to leave again. I have said a few times that it isn't as hard as you would think to tell a foster child goodbye, but that doesn't mean it's easy! It's harder on the kids I think, they just aren't able to understand all that's going on well enough. Plus, it's hard for kids to see what is best for someone in the long run vs what's easiest for them in the moment. But, even with all that, I would still take him back in a heart beat if he has to be removed again. The caseworker told me this evening that she is really hoping to not have to remove G. She said even if it comes down to the grandparents taking guardianship for a time while the dad gets himself together again, she will do that.
I'm not sure where W's case is going. We were to the point where the caseworker was going to file termination on the mom next month, which would be 15 months and the point where the state says termination has to be filed. But, the mom has been passing drug tests for the past 2 months. At this point, if she continues to pass screens, the case will continue and the mom will still progress toward getting W home. I'm not sure how to feel about this. I have always said I like this mom, and I still do. But this has gone on so long that I'm not sure what would happen if W went home. His mom is capable of being a great mom. But, I'm not confident in her being able to keep on the right track once the support DCS is giving her is gone. Right now, she is being drug screened weekly and knows that the screens will continue and if she fails one now, this case is basically over. She is getting counseling a couple of times a week. She is getting help with transportation to appointments, to the store, to the library to apply for jobs (the visit supervisor takes her places during visits which I'm not really on board with). We provide everything W needs on a day to day basis including food, clothes, a bed, daycare, going to appointments and therapy. Can she manage everything on her own? I don't know. I know she has been a victim of domestic violence, and that is not something to take lightly. I am so glad she is not in a bad relationship anymore, at least she says she isn't in a relationship. But, I just can't trust that she will stay around the right people, people who will support her and W, help her when she needs it, keep W safe. She lost custody of her daughter a few years ago because she wasn't able to make the right decisions to keep her daughter safe. Maybe she learned her lesson from all that. Maybe she has gotten valuable help from all the counseling she has had in the last year. But, I'm scared to put W into a situation with so many risks. Of course, this is part of foster care. DCS's job is to get kids home, even if us foster parents aren't 100% comfortable with things. I know I don't have a very objective view of all this and I am biased in this situation, but that doesn't make this any easier! I'm just going to keep taking care of W and try to follow my instincts about my feelings toward his mom and what she is capable of. Maybe she is ready to be a mom. And if I know, or at least am pretty sure that she can do this, I'm ok with letting W go.
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
"No, I mean MY mommy"
I haven't figured out exactly how to react (or feel) when Alexander tells me he is talking about his "other" mommy. He doesn't do it very often. And it is usually when he is pretending with his toys that I hear him say it. This pretend play usually involves his half brother too. I think he puts the two of them together in his mind. Probably because the only place he has seen either one of them lately has been at his visits, and they were together then. The other day, he had his cars and was driving them around as they were talking to one another. He didn't really say much, just stuff like "Hi mommy. Hi Bubby". The first time he said "hi mommy", I answered him. He responded with " no, not you".
I know he has a past, despite the fact that I would like to think his life started when he walked through our door. And I know this pretend play is his way of dealing with some of the stuff he has been through, which is a good thing. Still, a part of me feels pretty bad when I hear him talking to his mom. Yes, I want to be the one he thinks of as "mom". But that isn't really the part that bothers me. I know he looks to me when he needs a "mom". And I know he loves me, and the rest of us too. The part that is upsetting to me is the fact that he would want to talk to his mom. He has never had a healthy relationship with her. She has expressed that she never wanted him and has never made any qualms about saying so. Why would he want to play with her. I can understand pretending to tell her off, that would feel healthy to me! But he talks in a nice, casual way when he pretends to talk to her. I guess I don't want him having a fanticized image of his mom as he grows up. I don't want him to get older and resent me for keeping him from his mom, or the mom he has built up in his mind.
I haven't said anything about his mom to him, good or bad. I think I have needed a break from thinking about everything for a little bit. It has been such a relief since the visits have stopped.
But that brings up another thing that has surprised me. Alexander has asked me a couple of times if it is time for his visit. When I say no, we aren't going to a visit today, he responds with "yes, I am". That's another mystery to me. The visits were terrible. Alexander was miserable and acted out for
days afterward. Why would he ask to go back? He should be singing praises that he doesn't have to go back ever again. That's what I have been doing! But, I guess that's why it's called a learning experience, if things went like I thought they would, there would be no learning going on. I have always said I like learning, maybe that statement is coming back to bite me now.
Our adoption attorney has said she thinks Alexander's adoption should be finished by the end of the year. That is pretty exciting news. But, as I have learned from all this, finalizing this adoption will be a much bigger deal to me than it is to him!
I know he has a past, despite the fact that I would like to think his life started when he walked through our door. And I know this pretend play is his way of dealing with some of the stuff he has been through, which is a good thing. Still, a part of me feels pretty bad when I hear him talking to his mom. Yes, I want to be the one he thinks of as "mom". But that isn't really the part that bothers me. I know he looks to me when he needs a "mom". And I know he loves me, and the rest of us too. The part that is upsetting to me is the fact that he would want to talk to his mom. He has never had a healthy relationship with her. She has expressed that she never wanted him and has never made any qualms about saying so. Why would he want to play with her. I can understand pretending to tell her off, that would feel healthy to me! But he talks in a nice, casual way when he pretends to talk to her. I guess I don't want him having a fanticized image of his mom as he grows up. I don't want him to get older and resent me for keeping him from his mom, or the mom he has built up in his mind.
I haven't said anything about his mom to him, good or bad. I think I have needed a break from thinking about everything for a little bit. It has been such a relief since the visits have stopped.
But that brings up another thing that has surprised me. Alexander has asked me a couple of times if it is time for his visit. When I say no, we aren't going to a visit today, he responds with "yes, I am". That's another mystery to me. The visits were terrible. Alexander was miserable and acted out for
days afterward. Why would he ask to go back? He should be singing praises that he doesn't have to go back ever again. That's what I have been doing! But, I guess that's why it's called a learning experience, if things went like I thought they would, there would be no learning going on. I have always said I like learning, maybe that statement is coming back to bite me now.
Our adoption attorney has said she thinks Alexander's adoption should be finished by the end of the year. That is pretty exciting news. But, as I have learned from all this, finalizing this adoption will be a much bigger deal to me than it is to him!
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Enjoying things
We have been enjoying our new home and just each other lately. It feels like we can finally relax since court last week. I have been sure Alexander would stay with us, but not knowing for 100% sure has been stressful. Now if W's case will get wrapped up, we can finally be just a family.
Being foster parents has been a good experience, and I'm glad we did it. It has been stressful and crazy, but its what brought us to our kids. I would do it again in a heartbeat. But, I'm ready for this chapter of our family's life to be over.
I'm ready to be a regular family with regular parents who don't have to share their kids with anyone else. I'm ready to be done with visitation. I'm ready to be done cleaning the house like crazy because a caseworker is coming only to find out the caseworker has had something come up and will come another day instead. I'm tired of trying to keep my feelings in check for my kids so I can deal with it if they need to leave our family. I'm ready for the girls to have some stability in their life and not have to think or worry about what is going on in the foster kids' cases. I'm ready to close this chapter and start the next one.
And-- I'm ready to share pictures of these adorable boys with the world!
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Relief-----
That's what I feel today, relief. We went to court for Z today, now to be known as Alexander. This was the final hearing in the process to terminate his parents' rights (also called a "TPR" hearing). These hearings can be lengthy, we were told the last one took 10 hours. So when we went into court, we were expecting it to last all afternoon and probably stretch into another day.
In preparation for today, I met with the lawyer representing DCS last week. He went over the things he was going to ask me about: how Alexander has been acting after visits, how he is so much better a few days later, his overall behavior at home in comparison to his behavior during visits, etc. I have been so stressed about this court date. The lawyer reassured us that his case was strong and he had more than enough evidence to get TPR granted. That did make me feel better, but when you are dealing with the fate of your child, being pretty sure doesn't cut it.
So to say that we were nervous going into today's events would be an understatement.
We all got there pretty early so we were waiting in the hall for several minutes. The mom sat down the hall from us. She seemed pretty much like her usual self. She didn't talk to anyone besides her mom and she shot us some nasty looks from time to time. We sat and talked with G's dad about how things were going with them.
And then the dad came in. We haven't seen Alexander's dad since that day he met with us in the park and told us he was going to sign his rights over so we could adopt Alexander. He sat next to Nathan and talked with us for a while. Pretty soon the caseworker came by and took him into a meeting room. When I looked up, the mom was also being taken into a meeting room by her lawyer.
Pretty soon it was time to go into court. We took our places and waited for the judge to come in. I don't know why being in that room makes me so nervous, but it does. I think it has to do with the fact that one person has great power over the fate of our family.
Anyway, court began and Nathan and I were prepared to be sitting there for the long haul. We were as ready as we could be to hear all the gorry details about Alexander's past that would serve as evidence of why TPR needed to be granted. We knew it was going to be painful to listen to, but it is a part of this process.
They started with a scheduled review of the case. Everyone was in agreement that G is doing well with his dad and that is where he needs to stay. Then they moved on to Alexander's portion of the case. The DCS lawyer talked first. He stated that both parents had signed voluntary termination of rights paperwork today and that would be discussed further after the review portion of the hearing. I don't know why court proceedings have to be so complicated, but they are! So, the judge ruled that all services the mom and dad were receiving in respect to Alexander were suspended permanently and the review hearing was over. G's dad was dismissed at that time and the TPR portion of the hearing began.
Except, it wasn't really a TPR hearing anymore. Because the parents had both voluntarily signed the paperwork, DCS didn't need to present the overwhelming evidence they had prepared and we didn't have to sit through it.
It was overwhelming really. I just couldn't believe this was all going to be over when we left that courthouse today. The judge went though a lot of questions with both parents. He explained to them about what voluntary and involuntary terminaton of parental rights means and had them state if they understood. He explained that since they had signed these papers, they no longer had any rights or responsibilities regarding Alexander, they would not be responsible for paying support, they were not entitled to visitation or any type of custody. Both said they understood. Then he asked them if they had been persuaded by anyone or offered any type of compensation for signing the papers. Of course both said no. Then, he closed by telling the parents that he felt they had both made a good decision that he felt was in the child's best interest. And he wanted them to take this as an opportunity to focus on the other responsibilities the parents have in their lives. At that point, court was dismissed. The judge looked at me then with a smile and nodded to me. He was telling me in that little gesture that he knew Alexander was going to be a permenant part of our family. It was a neat thing.
Then the emotions started flowing! The mom had been crying off and on during the hearing, and when I lookd over at the CASA at one point, I thought she might be on the verge of tears. I had kept it together though, not that I wasn't feeling emotional. Then, after the judge left, the mom came over to us. I didn't see her come over until Nathan got my attention. She was crying again. She hugged me and told me to take care of Alexander. I hugged her back and I couldn't hold back the tears any longer. I told her of course we would, and that we were crazy about him. I think I also said something along the lines of "you did the right thing, you did good", but now, I can't really remember what all I said. But I hope I did say something like that. The dad came over and hugged us too. And then of course the CASA. Even the mom's lawyer came over to hug me--that was shocking!
We stuck around and asked some technical questions. The DCS lawyer told us there would be 30 days that the parents could legally change their decision, but all those questions the judge asked them were to prevent them from being able to change their minds. He said our adoption attorney should be getting things in order so once that 30 days are over, the adoption can be finalized soon. It should all be a quick and painless process from here on out. Relief, big time relief. Thank goodness.
In preparation for today, I met with the lawyer representing DCS last week. He went over the things he was going to ask me about: how Alexander has been acting after visits, how he is so much better a few days later, his overall behavior at home in comparison to his behavior during visits, etc. I have been so stressed about this court date. The lawyer reassured us that his case was strong and he had more than enough evidence to get TPR granted. That did make me feel better, but when you are dealing with the fate of your child, being pretty sure doesn't cut it.
So to say that we were nervous going into today's events would be an understatement.
We all got there pretty early so we were waiting in the hall for several minutes. The mom sat down the hall from us. She seemed pretty much like her usual self. She didn't talk to anyone besides her mom and she shot us some nasty looks from time to time. We sat and talked with G's dad about how things were going with them.
And then the dad came in. We haven't seen Alexander's dad since that day he met with us in the park and told us he was going to sign his rights over so we could adopt Alexander. He sat next to Nathan and talked with us for a while. Pretty soon the caseworker came by and took him into a meeting room. When I looked up, the mom was also being taken into a meeting room by her lawyer.
Pretty soon it was time to go into court. We took our places and waited for the judge to come in. I don't know why being in that room makes me so nervous, but it does. I think it has to do with the fact that one person has great power over the fate of our family.
Anyway, court began and Nathan and I were prepared to be sitting there for the long haul. We were as ready as we could be to hear all the gorry details about Alexander's past that would serve as evidence of why TPR needed to be granted. We knew it was going to be painful to listen to, but it is a part of this process.
They started with a scheduled review of the case. Everyone was in agreement that G is doing well with his dad and that is where he needs to stay. Then they moved on to Alexander's portion of the case. The DCS lawyer talked first. He stated that both parents had signed voluntary termination of rights paperwork today and that would be discussed further after the review portion of the hearing. I don't know why court proceedings have to be so complicated, but they are! So, the judge ruled that all services the mom and dad were receiving in respect to Alexander were suspended permanently and the review hearing was over. G's dad was dismissed at that time and the TPR portion of the hearing began.
Except, it wasn't really a TPR hearing anymore. Because the parents had both voluntarily signed the paperwork, DCS didn't need to present the overwhelming evidence they had prepared and we didn't have to sit through it.
It was overwhelming really. I just couldn't believe this was all going to be over when we left that courthouse today. The judge went though a lot of questions with both parents. He explained to them about what voluntary and involuntary terminaton of parental rights means and had them state if they understood. He explained that since they had signed these papers, they no longer had any rights or responsibilities regarding Alexander, they would not be responsible for paying support, they were not entitled to visitation or any type of custody. Both said they understood. Then he asked them if they had been persuaded by anyone or offered any type of compensation for signing the papers. Of course both said no. Then, he closed by telling the parents that he felt they had both made a good decision that he felt was in the child's best interest. And he wanted them to take this as an opportunity to focus on the other responsibilities the parents have in their lives. At that point, court was dismissed. The judge looked at me then with a smile and nodded to me. He was telling me in that little gesture that he knew Alexander was going to be a permenant part of our family. It was a neat thing.
Then the emotions started flowing! The mom had been crying off and on during the hearing, and when I lookd over at the CASA at one point, I thought she might be on the verge of tears. I had kept it together though, not that I wasn't feeling emotional. Then, after the judge left, the mom came over to us. I didn't see her come over until Nathan got my attention. She was crying again. She hugged me and told me to take care of Alexander. I hugged her back and I couldn't hold back the tears any longer. I told her of course we would, and that we were crazy about him. I think I also said something along the lines of "you did the right thing, you did good", but now, I can't really remember what all I said. But I hope I did say something like that. The dad came over and hugged us too. And then of course the CASA. Even the mom's lawyer came over to hug me--that was shocking!
We stuck around and asked some technical questions. The DCS lawyer told us there would be 30 days that the parents could legally change their decision, but all those questions the judge asked them were to prevent them from being able to change their minds. He said our adoption attorney should be getting things in order so once that 30 days are over, the adoption can be finalized soon. It should all be a quick and painless process from here on out. Relief, big time relief. Thank goodness.
Thursday, July 26, 2012
We have had the busiest week ever. We went to court for both boys and got final inspections done on the house. It has been crazy.
W's court was first. We have never met his dad before. He just got out of jail about a month ago, so everyone has pretty much been able to put him out of their minds until now. Well, since he is out now, DCS is obligated to offer him services. Some of the things they call services are counseling, groups like anger management or drug programs, and visitation.
Of course this guy wanted to start with visitation. He insisted that he had never hurt W, that the police were conspiring against him, that the doctor reading the x-rays was not competent, and he was a good, loving father. Wow. We met the arresting police officer the night we picked W up in the ER, I think even she was a bit shook up by what she saw in regards to the way this guy "lovingly" held his baby.
So for him to think he was going to get visitation, he has to be nuts! The CASA has filed a motion asking for visits to be permanently suspended and the caseworker has placed so many steps before visits will be allowed, that he will never get there. So hopefully that issue has been resolved.
What I was getting to when I mentioned we have never met this guy was-- we saw him when we went to court the other day. We walked into the big waiting area and there he was talking with the CASA, I recognized him from his mugshot. She didn't say anything as we walked by and we just went on past. The caseworker came out then and told him court had been continued. I was about to get frustrated when I realized she was only talking to him. Then I realized she had been careful to only talk to him, not us also. Just like the CASA had ignored us when we came by. After he had left the building, the CASA came over and confirmed our suspicions, they didn't want W's dad to know who we were. She told us she was going to file a motion to keep us out of court any time he would be there. Then later, the caseworker came out again. She said basically the same thing. She said there would be no reason for us to come to the dad's court dates. She was also going to be careful not to let our address show on any paperwork. What is unusual about this is, foster parents are usually encouraged to be involved with the parents. We are expected to be at court dates, come to meetings with the parents, build a relationship with them. But, this guy is not the typical parent. He is dangerous.
It makes me a little nervous to know that both DCS and the caseworker have kept this dad from knowing who we are. This just isn't typical in foster care. But, I am not too worried about anything happening. We are far enough from everything that I feel safe. I will be glad when this case is done though.
Anyway, we did go to court for W's mom. The plan is still adoption for him. The possible family placements aren't looking very promising so both the caseworker and the CASA stated they feel W would be best to stay with us as an adoptive placement. That was good to hear. Of course, that is still a little ways off. DCS isn't planning to file termination of rights for another 3 months on the mom. And it could be at least another 6 months on the dad, depending on how compliant he is with all the "services" he is going to be required to complete.
Then I went to court for Z. This was an emergency hearing requested by the CASA to stop visitation with his mom. Remember those are the visits that result in miserable behaviors for our Z. It was more of a trial than a hearing like we are used to. The CASA called witnesses, who had to sit in the witness stand and be sworn in. It was a bit scary, but the CASA handled it very well. The judge ultimately ruled the visits can stop.
I am so relieved by this. The days following a visit have been awful. Z will yell and scream at the drop of a hat, he is aggressive with the other kids, I have even seen him kick the cats. But after 2 or 3 days, he's fine. I am so excited to be able to report at the next hearing about how wonderful his behavior has been since visits stopped! --Lets just hope his behavior really is better! :)
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
The end is near......
It's funny, but the end of both our boys' cases could happen really soon, and really close together. Z's case technically started in February 2011 and W's started in July 2011, but both appear to be wrapping up.
We have had the initial hearing for termination of parental rights for Z's parents. Nothing happened at that hearing besides the judge reading the case numbers, who was present, then he scheduled the fact finding hearing. Z's dad didn't show up, which I can't blame him, the judge made it sound like he didn't need to come to any more hearings the last time we were at court. But it turns out he hasn't actually signed any paperwork yet. DCS has tried to send it to him several times but he always refuses the package. It won't matter in the end whether or not he signs it, but it could drag our adoption processs out longer if he doesn't. The fact finding hearing is at the first of next month (unless it gets continued like all the other court dates have). At that hearing, DCS will present all the evidence they have as to why Z's mom should loose her parental rights. They have all assured me that this is an "open and shut case" and they have no doubt rights will be terminated, but it still makes me nervous. I can't bare to think about this going on longer, me having to take Z to more visits, or anything else coming along to delay us adopting Z. Or, heaven forbid, us not being able to adopt him at all. So, we are waiting on egg shells for that final hearing. I hope hope hope it happens as scheduled. It's time for this to be over so we all can move on, especially Z.
On W's front, the caseworker and the CASA are recommending we adopt W. The caseworker is still willing to consider a family placement though. In fact, I think she is supposed to meet with the family I mentioned a couple of posts ago, the one where the husband is in law enforcement (turns out he is a guard at a jail). The only things I have found out about them is that the wife works with special needs kids and they have a three year old son. They could be a good option, the only thing is, this case has been going on for a year, where have they been all this time?
We go to court next week for this case. I'm hoping something is decided. We have went back and forth so many times on this case, it has been exhausting. When we picked W up, I was sure he would be ours forever based on the circumstances. Then I met the mom and was sure he would, and should, go home with her. Then the mom began to show me she couldn't take care of him and I thought he would stay with us. Then the aunt came into the picture and I was sure he would be going with her. Then this other family member popped up and they may still be a good option. Meanwhile the CASA is telling me she feeels like W needs to stay with us. It has been crazy. Right now, I really don't know what to think. I love W like crazy, but I will be ok if he needs to leave us.
The other day I was thinking, how can I be ok with W leaving but I'm not ok with even the thought of Z leaving? I have been thinking about that a lot lately. I love both of them equally, I think of both of them as my kids, but I still see things differently with them. I think I have come up with the reason, maybe.
First I thought it was because I went into Z's case with the knowledge that everyone wanted him in our home as more of a pre-adoptive placement vs a foster placement (yes "pre-adoptive" is a real term). But then I go back to when W came, I was sure he would be adopted by us too. So that isn't really it. I think the reason I see these two cases so differently is because of all the other people involved, family members wise. Z has a lot of family but I don't trust that any of them have ever had Z's best interest in mind. For the life of me I can't figure this out, but no one has really ever wanted Z. His mom resented him because all she could see in him was his dad (who she hates with a passion). His dad saw him as another mouth to feed and he could barely feed the ones he already had. I don't know what his grandparents saw him as, but we know they were abusive to him, both sets of grandparents. So, no one has ever treasured this sweet boy like every kid deserves to be treasured. No one has ever loved him for who he is, they have only been able to see those things in him which they despise. And, how can they blame a child for who he looks like or for just being a kid, those things aren't his fault.
But in W's case, the only person who has been unkind toward him is his dad. His mom loves him, his aunt wants him in her family, he has a teenage half sister who is crazy about him. He could be surrounded by a loving family if things had just went a little differently. That is the difference. I am afraid if we do adopt W, there will always be a part of me that feels guilty for taking this baby away from so many people who have wanted him and have treasured him. I know it isn't physically me that is the one taking him away, and I know that his mom and his aunt had the ability to end this case with W in their homes and families but their decisions and actions proved to not be in W's best interest. But I know I will still feel some responsibility. With Z, I hope he never sees some of his "family" again. I think his life will be better if his mom walks away after that last visit and never looks back. But I don't feel that way at all with W. That is the difference. I'm not sure how we will work things out if we are able to adopt W so he can have a relationship with some of his family, but we are going to have to figure something out because there are a few people that I believe he will be better off knowing. But with Z, we will be the only family he needs. He will not benefit in any way by having his mom in his life, and I'm starting to think not his dad either.
This has all been so hard sometimes. I don't regret any of it though. We have needed these kids as much as they have needed us. We have all learned from them and from this experience. Still, I'm hoping the end is near.
We have had the initial hearing for termination of parental rights for Z's parents. Nothing happened at that hearing besides the judge reading the case numbers, who was present, then he scheduled the fact finding hearing. Z's dad didn't show up, which I can't blame him, the judge made it sound like he didn't need to come to any more hearings the last time we were at court. But it turns out he hasn't actually signed any paperwork yet. DCS has tried to send it to him several times but he always refuses the package. It won't matter in the end whether or not he signs it, but it could drag our adoption processs out longer if he doesn't. The fact finding hearing is at the first of next month (unless it gets continued like all the other court dates have). At that hearing, DCS will present all the evidence they have as to why Z's mom should loose her parental rights. They have all assured me that this is an "open and shut case" and they have no doubt rights will be terminated, but it still makes me nervous. I can't bare to think about this going on longer, me having to take Z to more visits, or anything else coming along to delay us adopting Z. Or, heaven forbid, us not being able to adopt him at all. So, we are waiting on egg shells for that final hearing. I hope hope hope it happens as scheduled. It's time for this to be over so we all can move on, especially Z.
On W's front, the caseworker and the CASA are recommending we adopt W. The caseworker is still willing to consider a family placement though. In fact, I think she is supposed to meet with the family I mentioned a couple of posts ago, the one where the husband is in law enforcement (turns out he is a guard at a jail). The only things I have found out about them is that the wife works with special needs kids and they have a three year old son. They could be a good option, the only thing is, this case has been going on for a year, where have they been all this time?
We go to court next week for this case. I'm hoping something is decided. We have went back and forth so many times on this case, it has been exhausting. When we picked W up, I was sure he would be ours forever based on the circumstances. Then I met the mom and was sure he would, and should, go home with her. Then the mom began to show me she couldn't take care of him and I thought he would stay with us. Then the aunt came into the picture and I was sure he would be going with her. Then this other family member popped up and they may still be a good option. Meanwhile the CASA is telling me she feeels like W needs to stay with us. It has been crazy. Right now, I really don't know what to think. I love W like crazy, but I will be ok if he needs to leave us.
The other day I was thinking, how can I be ok with W leaving but I'm not ok with even the thought of Z leaving? I have been thinking about that a lot lately. I love both of them equally, I think of both of them as my kids, but I still see things differently with them. I think I have come up with the reason, maybe.
First I thought it was because I went into Z's case with the knowledge that everyone wanted him in our home as more of a pre-adoptive placement vs a foster placement (yes "pre-adoptive" is a real term). But then I go back to when W came, I was sure he would be adopted by us too. So that isn't really it. I think the reason I see these two cases so differently is because of all the other people involved, family members wise. Z has a lot of family but I don't trust that any of them have ever had Z's best interest in mind. For the life of me I can't figure this out, but no one has really ever wanted Z. His mom resented him because all she could see in him was his dad (who she hates with a passion). His dad saw him as another mouth to feed and he could barely feed the ones he already had. I don't know what his grandparents saw him as, but we know they were abusive to him, both sets of grandparents. So, no one has ever treasured this sweet boy like every kid deserves to be treasured. No one has ever loved him for who he is, they have only been able to see those things in him which they despise. And, how can they blame a child for who he looks like or for just being a kid, those things aren't his fault.
But in W's case, the only person who has been unkind toward him is his dad. His mom loves him, his aunt wants him in her family, he has a teenage half sister who is crazy about him. He could be surrounded by a loving family if things had just went a little differently. That is the difference. I am afraid if we do adopt W, there will always be a part of me that feels guilty for taking this baby away from so many people who have wanted him and have treasured him. I know it isn't physically me that is the one taking him away, and I know that his mom and his aunt had the ability to end this case with W in their homes and families but their decisions and actions proved to not be in W's best interest. But I know I will still feel some responsibility. With Z, I hope he never sees some of his "family" again. I think his life will be better if his mom walks away after that last visit and never looks back. But I don't feel that way at all with W. That is the difference. I'm not sure how we will work things out if we are able to adopt W so he can have a relationship with some of his family, but we are going to have to figure something out because there are a few people that I believe he will be better off knowing. But with Z, we will be the only family he needs. He will not benefit in any way by having his mom in his life, and I'm starting to think not his dad either.
This has all been so hard sometimes. I don't regret any of it though. We have needed these kids as much as they have needed us. We have all learned from them and from this experience. Still, I'm hoping the end is near.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)