Enjoying things

We have been enjoying our new home and just each other lately.  It feels like we can finally relax since court last week.  I have been sure Alexander would stay with us, but not knowing for 100% sure has been stressful.  Now if W's case will get wrapped up, we can finally be just a family. 

Being foster parents has been a good experience, and I'm glad we did it. It has been stressful and crazy, but its what brought us to our kids.  I would do it again in a heartbeat.  But, I'm ready for this chapter of our family's life to be over.

I'm ready to be a regular family with regular parents who don't have to share their kids with anyone else.  I'm ready to be done with visitation.  I'm ready to be done cleaning the house like crazy because a caseworker is coming only to find out the caseworker has had something come up and will come another day instead.  I'm tired of trying to keep my feelings in check for my kids so I can deal with it if they need to leave our family.  I'm ready for the girls to have some stability in their life and not have to think or worry about what is going on in the foster kids' cases.  I'm ready to close this chapter and start the next one.

And-- I'm ready to share pictures of these adorable boys with the world!

Relief-----

That's what I feel today, relief.  We went to court for Z today, now to be known as Alexander.  This was the final hearing in the process to terminate his parents' rights (also called a "TPR" hearing).  These hearings can be lengthy, we were told the last one took 10 hours.  So when we went into court, we were expecting it to last all afternoon and probably stretch into another day.

In preparation for today, I met with the lawyer representing DCS last week.  He went over the things he was going to ask me about: how Alexander has been acting after visits, how he is so much better a few days later, his overall behavior at home in comparison to his behavior during visits, etc.  I have been so stressed about this court date.  The lawyer reassured us that his case was strong and he had more than enough evidence to get TPR granted.  That did make me feel better, but when you are dealing with the fate of your child, being pretty sure doesn't cut it.  


So to say that we were nervous going into today's events would be an understatement.  


We all got there pretty early so we were waiting in the hall for several minutes.  The mom sat down the hall from us.  She seemed pretty much like her usual self.  She didn't talk to anyone besides her mom and she shot us some nasty looks from time to time.  We sat and talked with G's dad about how things were going with them.  


And then the dad came in.  We haven't seen Alexander's dad since that day he met with us in the park and told us he was going to sign his rights over so we could adopt Alexander.   He sat next to Nathan and talked with us for a while.  Pretty soon the caseworker came by and took him into a meeting room.  When I looked up, the mom was also being taken into a meeting room by her lawyer.  


Pretty soon it was time to go into court.  We took our places and waited for the judge to come in.  I don't know why being in that room makes me so nervous, but it does.  I think it has to do with the fact that one person has great power over the fate of our family.  


Anyway, court began and Nathan and I were prepared to be sitting there for the long haul.  We were as ready as we could be to hear all the gorry details about Alexander's past that would serve as evidence of why TPR needed to be granted.  We knew it was going to be painful to listen to, but it is a part of this process.  


They started with a scheduled review of the case.  Everyone was in agreement that G is doing well with his dad and that is where he needs to stay.  Then they moved on to Alexander's portion of the case.  The DCS lawyer talked first.  He stated that both parents had signed voluntary termination of rights paperwork today and that would be discussed further after the review portion of the hearing.  I don't know why court proceedings have to be so complicated, but they are!  So, the judge ruled that all services the mom and dad were receiving in respect to Alexander were suspended permanently and the review hearing was over.  G's dad was dismissed at that time and the TPR portion of the hearing began. 


Except, it wasn't really a TPR hearing anymore.  Because the parents had both voluntarily signed the paperwork, DCS didn't need to present the overwhelming evidence they had prepared and we didn't have to sit through it.  


It was overwhelming really.  I just couldn't believe this was all going to be over when we left that courthouse today.  The judge went though a lot of questions with both parents.  He explained to them about what voluntary and involuntary terminaton of parental rights means and had them state if they understood.  He explained that since they had signed these papers, they no longer had any rights or responsibilities regarding Alexander, they would not be responsible for paying support, they were not entitled to visitation or any type of custody.  Both said they understood.  Then he asked them if they had been persuaded by anyone or offered any type of compensation for signing the papers.  Of course both said no.  Then, he closed by telling the parents that he felt they had both made a good decision that he felt was in the child's best interest.  And he wanted them to take this as an opportunity to focus on the other responsibilities the parents have in their lives.  At that point, court was dismissed.  The judge looked at me then with a smile and nodded to me.  He was telling me in that little gesture that he knew Alexander was going to be a permenant part of our family. It was a neat thing.


Then the emotions started flowing!  The mom had been crying off and on during the hearing, and when I lookd over at the CASA at one point, I thought she might be on the verge of tears.  I had kept it together though, not that I wasn't feeling emotional.  Then, after the judge left, the mom came over to us.  I didn't see her come over until Nathan got my attention.  She was crying again.  She hugged me and told me to take care of Alexander.  I hugged her back and I couldn't hold back the tears any longer.  I told her of course we would, and that we were crazy about him.  I think I also said something along the lines of "you did the right thing, you did good", but now, I can't really remember what all I said.  But I hope I did say something like that.  The dad came over and hugged us too.  And then of course the CASA.  Even the mom's lawyer came over to hug me--that was shocking!        


We stuck around and asked some technical questions.  The DCS lawyer told us there would be 30  days that the parents could legally change their decision, but all those questions the judge asked them  were to prevent them from being able to change their minds.  He said our adoption attorney should be getting things in order so once that 30 days are over, the adoption can be finalized soon.  It should all be a quick and painless process from here on out.  Relief, big time relief.  Thank goodness.

We have had the busiest week ever.  We went to court for both boys and got final inspections done on the house.  It has been crazy.

W's court was first.  We have never met his dad before.  He just got out of jail about a month ago, so everyone has pretty much been able to put him out of their minds until now.  Well, since he is out now, DCS is obligated to offer him services.   Some of the things they call services are counseling, groups like anger management or drug programs, and visitation.

Of course this guy wanted to start with visitation.   He insisted that he had never hurt W, that the police were conspiring against him, that the doctor reading the x-rays was not competent, and he was a good, loving father.  Wow.  We met the arresting police officer the night we picked W up in the ER, I think even she was a bit shook up by what she saw in regards to the way this guy "lovingly" held his baby.

So for him to think he was going to get visitation, he has to be nuts!  The CASA has filed a motion asking for visits to be permanently suspended and the caseworker has placed so many steps before visits will be allowed, that he will never get there.  So hopefully that issue has been resolved.

What I was getting to when I mentioned we have never met this guy was-- we saw him when we went to court the other day.  We walked into the big waiting area and there he was talking with the CASA,  I recognized him from his mugshot.  She didn't say anything as we walked by and we just went on past.  The caseworker came out then and told him court had been continued.   I was about to get frustrated when I realized she was only talking to him.  Then I realized she had been careful to only talk to him, not us also.  Just like the CASA had ignored us when we came by.  After he had left the building, the CASA came over and confirmed our suspicions, they didn't want W's dad to know who we were.  She told us she was going to file a motion to keep us out of court any time he would be there.  Then later, the caseworker came out again.  She said basically the same thing.  She said there would be no reason for us to come to the dad's court dates.  She was also going to be careful not to let our address show on any paperwork.   What is unusual about this is, foster parents are usually encouraged to be involved with the parents.  We are expected to be at court dates, come to meetings with the parents, build a relationship with them.  But, this guy is not the typical parent.  He is dangerous.

It makes me a little nervous to know that both DCS and the caseworker have kept this dad from knowing who we are.  This just isn't typical in foster care.  But, I am not too worried about anything happening.  We are far enough from everything that I feel safe.  I will be glad when this case is done though.

Anyway, we did go to court for W's mom.  The plan is still adoption for him.  The possible family placements aren't looking very promising so both the caseworker and the CASA stated they feel W would be best to stay with us as an adoptive placement.  That was good to hear.   Of course, that is still a little ways off.  DCS isn't planning to file termination of rights for another 3 months on the mom.  And it could be at least another 6 months on the dad, depending on how compliant he is with all the "services" he is going to be required to complete. 

Then I went to court for Z.  This was an emergency hearing requested by the CASA to stop visitation with his mom.   Remember those are the visits that result in miserable behaviors for our Z.  It was more of a trial than a hearing like we are used to.  The CASA called witnesses, who had to sit in the witness stand and be sworn in.  It was a bit scary, but the CASA handled it very well.  The judge ultimately ruled the visits can stop. 

I am so relieved by this.  The days following a visit have been awful.  Z will yell and scream at the drop of a hat, he is aggressive with the other kids, I have even seen him kick the cats.  But after 2 or 3 days, he's fine. I am so excited to be able to report at the next hearing about how wonderful his behavior has been since visits stopped!   --Lets just hope his behavior really is better!  :)

The end is near......

It's funny, but the end of both our boys' cases could happen really soon, and really close together. Z's case technically started in February 2011 and W's started in July 2011, but both appear to be wrapping up.

We have had the initial hearing for termination of parental rights for Z's parents. Nothing happened at that hearing besides the judge reading the case numbers, who was present, then he scheduled the fact finding hearing. Z's dad didn't show up, which I can't blame him, the judge made it sound like he didn't need to come to any more hearings the last time we were at court. But it turns out he hasn't actually signed any paperwork yet. DCS has tried to send it to him several times but he always refuses the package. It won't matter in the end whether or not he signs it, but it could drag our adoption processs out longer if he doesn't. The fact finding hearing is at the first of next month (unless it gets continued like all the other court dates have). At that hearing, DCS will present all the evidence they have as to why Z's mom should loose her parental rights. They have all assured me that this is an "open and shut case" and they have no doubt rights will be terminated, but it still makes me nervous. I can't bare to think about this going on longer, me having to take Z to more visits, or anything else coming along to delay us adopting Z. Or, heaven forbid, us not being able to adopt him at all. So, we are waiting on egg shells for that final hearing. I hope hope hope it happens as scheduled. It's time for this to be over so we all can move on, especially Z.

On W's front, the caseworker and the CASA are recommending we adopt W. The caseworker is still willing to consider a family placement though. In fact, I think she is supposed to meet with the family I mentioned a couple of posts ago, the one where the husband is in law enforcement (turns out he is a guard at a jail). The only things I have found out about them is that the wife works with special needs kids and they have a three year old son. They could be a good option, the only thing is, this case has been going on for a year, where have they been all this time?

We go to court next week for this case. I'm hoping something is decided. We have went back and forth so many times on this case, it has been exhausting. When we picked W up, I was sure he would be ours forever based on the circumstances. Then I met the mom and was sure he would, and should, go home with her. Then the mom began to show me she couldn't take care of him and I thought he would stay with us. Then the aunt came into the picture and I was sure he would be going with her. Then this other family member popped up and they may still be a good option. Meanwhile the CASA is telling me she feeels like W needs to stay with us. It has been crazy. Right now, I really don't know what to think. I love W like crazy, but I will be ok if he needs to leave us.

The other day I was thinking, how can I be ok with W leaving but I'm not ok with even the thought of Z leaving? I have been thinking about that a lot lately. I love both of them equally, I think of both of them as my kids, but I still see things differently with them. I think I have come up with the reason, maybe.

First I thought it was because I went into Z's case with the knowledge that everyone wanted him in our home as more of a pre-adoptive placement vs a foster placement (yes "pre-adoptive" is a real term). But then I go back to when W came, I was sure he would be adopted by us too. So that isn't really it. I think the reason I see these two cases so differently is because of all the other people involved, family members wise. Z has a lot of family but I don't trust that any of them have ever had Z's best interest in mind. For the life of me I can't figure this out, but no one has really ever wanted Z. His mom resented him because all she could see in him was his dad (who she hates with a passion). His dad saw him as another mouth to feed and he could barely feed the ones he already had. I don't know what his grandparents saw him as, but we know they were abusive to him, both sets of grandparents. So, no one has ever treasured this sweet boy like every kid deserves to be treasured. No one has ever loved him for who he is, they have only been able to see those things in him which they despise. And, how can they blame a child for who he looks like or for just being a kid, those things aren't his fault.

But in W's case, the only person who has been unkind toward him is his dad. His mom loves him, his aunt wants him in her family, he has a teenage half sister who is crazy about him. He could be surrounded by a loving family if things had just went a little differently. That is the difference. I am afraid if we do adopt W, there will always be a part of me that feels guilty for taking this baby away from so many people who have wanted him and have treasured him. I know it isn't physically me that is the one taking him away, and I know that his mom and his aunt had the ability to end this case with W in their homes and families but their decisions and actions proved to not be in W's best interest. But I know I will still feel some responsibility. With Z, I hope he never sees some of his "family" again. I think his life will be better if his mom walks away after that last visit and never looks back. But I don't feel that way at all with W. That is the difference. I'm not sure how we will work things out if we are able to adopt W so he can have a relationship with some of his family, but we are going to have to figure something out because there are a few people that I believe he will be better off knowing. But with Z, we will be the only family he needs. He will not benefit in any way by having his mom in his life, and I'm starting to think not his dad either.

This has all been so hard sometimes. I don't regret any of it though. We have needed these kids as much as they have needed us. We have all learned from them and from this experience. Still, I'm hoping the end is near.

This could get mushy.....

I just love my family! 

We have been so busy for the past few months with house building stuff, that we just haven't had two seconds to spend all together.  Nathan has been working at the house from 6 am until he can't move any longer every day that he isn't at work, and after work on most work days.  Meanwhile, I have been at home taking care of things here, making suppers, getting baths done, doing laundry, and putting everyone to bed.  Then, packing when I can so it won't be so much to do all at once. 

Nathan and Dad finished up the perimeter drain they have been working on the past several days at about 10:30 this morning. --Nathan left the house before 6 this morning, I think, I wasn't exactly awake.  But since he was getting home so early in the day, we decided to go somewhere for the rest of the day.  When I said Daddy was coming home so we could go somewhere, you would have thought it was the first time we had ever done something together.  The girls packed up all kinds of things to do in the car.  Mr. Z kept saying, "I want Daddy to go too".  When I told him we were all going, he didn't seem to comprehend what I was talking about.  I think this day together was LONG overdue.

So, we headed to IKEA.  We are pretty sure its ok to take foster kids out of state for the day.  At first we were under the impression we couldn't without permission, but then someone (I think Sarah) said we could go for the day, so we took that as good enough and haven't asked for clarification since!  Even though the only thing we had on the agenda was picking up some things for the house, we all had so much fun. 

We stopped at Wendy's for some lunch to go.  Then, we ran into Home Depot to pick up a tarp to cover up our IKEA finds.  We don't have a Home Depot close to us, so we rarely are there, but they have the neatest carts!  There was one shaped like a truck with a spot for the boys to sit with steering wheels so they could drive.  I didn't think Z was going to get out.  W liked it too.  We got about 5 minutes away when Nathan said, "Did you get the stuff out of the cart?!"  Of course I hadn't, I was loading up W, and he didn't, he was loading up Z.  Plus it was raining a little so we were hurrying to get into the car.  He turned around and hurried back.  It wasn't hard to spot our cart, it was still in the parking lot and it was shaped like a giant orange truck.  Sure enough it was empty.  Not only had the tarp we just bought been in there, but my diaper bag was in there too.  So, Nathan went in to see if anyone had turned it in.  No one had.  Poor W had to get through the day with un-thickened formula (thankfully I had formula in the car), but it was in the same bottle I just kept rinsing out.  It won't hurt a kid to drink the wrong consistency of formula from a somewhat dirty bottle, right?

Finally, we made it to IKEA.  The girls loved helping to pick things, especially when something was for their room.  Z looked all over that store like he had never been in such a place.  When we were looking at the rugs, he kept walking in between them and then popping back out, giggling the whole time.  When we were leaving, Addison decided it must be supper time, so Hannah quickly suggested we eat at Cracker Barrel.  I don't know why they love that place so much.  But all the kids did great.  Z told us when he had to potty, he is learning that we react pretty quick when he says those magic words; "I've got to potty!".  W did great today.  He rode in the stroller all through the store and never cried the entire time in the car.  Hannah was a great help in the baby entertainment department too.  The girls even were on hiatis from arguing today.  The only time they got in trouble was when they were having a little too much fun and were so loud in the car, we couldn't stand it any more.

So, we had a fun day.  And I love my family!

Whoa! I want off for a few minutes!!

This foster care roller coaster has been on over drive lately and it's getting a bit old. I talked to W's caseworker yesterday and she let me know she is still planning to place W with his aunt (the dad's sister).  She wants the aunt to start coming to visits when he visits with his mom so a bond can be formed between W and his aunt.  After two weeks, she wants the aunt to start her own visits and reduce the time and frequency of the mom's visits so W can transition into his aunt's home.  The caseworker expects W could be with his aunt full time within 6 weeks to two months tops.  I'm not sure how I feel about this plan, but my opinion doesn't pull any weight in these things, so it doesn't matter how I feel really.  

Then I talked to the CASA and she told me she wasn't comfortable with the aunt.  She felt like if the aunt truly wanted W, she would have found a way to be involved in this process.  Really, she hasn't expressed she wants W since the judge said no at the very beginning.  Plus, there is the issue of her age.  She is into her 60's and taking on a baby to raise on her own could be too much for her. 

So, as of yesterday, I was pretty sure W would be going to his aunt's soon.  Because, ultimately, it comes down to what the caseworker believes is best even though the CASA disagrees.   But, with the judge on this case, who knows.  He changed the plan to termination at the last hearing without the caseworker recommending it.  So who knows.

Then another roller coaster ride came along.  The CASA called me to let me know the meeting with the dad didn't happen yesterday because he wasn't able to "figure out the bus schedule" to get there.  But she is submitting a request to the court that visits between W and his dad never happen.  She also wanted to tell me she is submitting her report which says her recommendation is for W to be adopted by us.  I was pretty excited to hear that.  Again, her report is just a recommendation, but still. 

I was about to call Nathan to relay this to him when my phone rang again.  It was the CASA again.  She had just gotten an email from the caseworker saying a family member had come forward and said they are interested in having W.  This is a family member from the dad's side.  They live about 2 hours away.  The man works in law enforcement and I don't know about the lady. 

Geese, couldn't we have an hour on the same path before someone threw the switch on the tracks?! 

The CASA apologized for giving me two completely different scenarios in such a short time.  I was a bit taken aback by this new development, but its not something she needed to apologize about.   I told her we knew this was an uncertain road we were traveling.  And, yes, we would love to adopt W.  We love him already and he has been a part of our family since he was a tiny baby.  But because we love him, we want what is best for him.  Until I know more about this new family, being with us is what I feel is best.  But who knows, this family may be great.  The fact that the man is a police officer makes me feel better.  I have worried that the aunt wouldn't be able to keep W safe if the dad came by and decided he was taking him. 

So, now we have no idea what to expect from this whole situation.   Maybe we will know more tomorrow.  Or maybe tomorrow will bring something new!

Feeling the stress!

I have said several times how foster care is so unpredictable and never goes how we expect. Today was no exception!
We have had W with us for more than 10 months now.  Throughout this entire time, everything has been about his mom and whether she can take care him.  --Which has been a roller coaster in itself-- But the dad has not been discussed much because its cut and dry with him, he broke four of W's ribs at two different times, has a violent history, and he has been in jail and not around to be on anyone's radar.  Well, he was released from prison last week.  The caseworker contacted him and he said over and over he is "willing to do whatever it takes to get his son".  Because he said that, DCS is obligated to offer him services.

Services can include anger management classes, parenting classes, counseling, and/or visitation. Visitation is the one that's getting me. How can anyone allow this man to visit with any child, let alone W.  I don't know that visits will happen but it is a possibility.

I just got off the phone with the CASA and she's strongly against visits. She also feels vists with the mom need to be greatly reduced.  She also doesn't feel like the aunt is the best place for W either.  --Basically, she feels like this case has gone on long enough, the parents have already proved they aren't parent material, and W needs to be in a good permanent home ASAP.  I have to say I agree with her.  I am so thankful for CASAs! 

So, we still know nothing.  W could be starting visits with his dad.  Visits with mom could be reduced.  Placement with the aunt may or may not still be on the table.  I don't know!  Frustrating!

With all of this uncertainty with W, I can't help but question things with Z.  I just can't imagine him leaving, but his case could still drag on for quite a while.  His mom is a pretty good actor and can really lay on the act when she knows it counts.  It scares me that she will do just enough that the judge may keep things going for a long time.  I know there is a case in the county that is fairly similar to Z's that is more than two years into it.  We are just over a year.  I can't imagine this going on another year.  Not just for my sanity (which would be in jeopardy!) But for Z's wellbeing.   Every week that goes by with another visit is one more obstacle he has to overcome.  Frustrating!

Its times like tonight that makes me look forward to us being able to cross the "foster" out of the title of this blog for a while.