Cruising along

Nothing major has happened over the past couple weeks.

We are adjusting to being a family of 6 after being a family of 7 for the past six months.   Who would have thought that it would be easier having 4 kids vs 5? ;)  Z has asked a few times where his brother is.  He is satisfied with my answer when I tell him G went to live with his dad.  He has seen G twice during visits with the mom, and I think that has helped.

As far as behaviors with Z, we are still seeing them for a few days after the visits.  I know all 2 year olds have temper tantrums, but these are constant and mostly only on the days following a visit.  The next court date for the termination hearing is June 14th -that will be the initial hearing- then the fact finding hearing will be August 3rd.  I'm not totally sure what all can/will happen during those hearings but we will find out soon.  Hopefully all of this will be coming to an end--and with the results we are hoping for.  I'm not sure what I would do if Z had to go back to his mom. I am 99.99% sure that would never happen, but with foster care, nothing is 100%.  I know she doesn't want him, she has said that many times.  And I believe he would be in danger if he was with her without supervision.  And, I am not the only one who feels this way so I believe that is something we will never have to worry about.   

As far as W, his mom has basically gotten to the point that she isn't going to be able to get W back into her care.  She has failed most of the drug screens she has been given.  She has been released from her drug counseling program because she missed too many appointments.  She is supposed to be calling to get into an inpatient program, but to my knowledge has not made that call yet.  I hope she hasn't given up because she doesn't think she can do this, but I believe that's probably what has happened.  The caseworker told me last week that she is going to talk to everyone involved about placing W with his paternal aunt.  This particular aunt has expressed several times that she wants W and she has been pretty upset that she hasn't gotten the chance to have him yet.  The main reason she doesn't have him is the first two times she asked, the judge said he "wasn't comfortable placing W with any part of that family".  At that point, the caseworker felt there was no point in pursuing that road.  But that wasn't necessarily because they felt like the aunt was a bad choice, but because its impossible to get something accomplished once the judge has made up his mind.   But now that so much time has passed and this aunt still wants W, and its looking like he won't be going home, the aunt might start looking a little better.

Another reason they are looking at the aunt again is because the caseworker believes a guardianship arrangement can be worked out.  We were asked if we would consider guardianship, but we said no.  Its not to the point that we would have been able to do that now, the caseworker just wanted to know if we would consider it if the situation came to that.  We said no for several reasons.  A guardianship is not a permanent arrangement.  At any point, the mom could get herself clean and go back to court and regain custody of W.  Not that we wouldn't want W to have the opportunity to go back to his mom, but if his mom kept her parental rights, it would feel like this case was never closed.  W would never have that sense of permanency that I think is important.   It just isn't a stress we are willing to volunteer for.  The aunt taking guardianship is a different story. It would be simpler for her.  So, we should know more about that in the next few weeks.  Its possible she would be granted placement in a few weeks. 

What would we do as a family of 5?!

Here is a picture of everyone helping with the installation of our new septic tanks.  Exciting huh?

It didn't go like we expected, but ....

We did have our court date on Monday.  We expected both Z's parents to sign over their parental rights, because both had said that's what they wanted.

Z's dad had asked to meet with us before court to talk some things over with us.  We were both pretty nervous about that meeting.  I had no idea what he was going to say to us, and there is always that little part of me that was afraid he was going to say he had changed his mind.  While we were waiting for him, Nathan and I sat and wondered how this would go.  He was several minutes late, so we had just about given up on him when he pulled up.  Neither of us had seen him since Z had been placed with us last November.  He had been granted weekend visitation, but had not seen Z once since this started.  He walked up and shook Nathan's hand and said hello to me.  We all sat down and he explained why he wanted to see us.

He said he knew we wanted to adopt Z and that is what he wanted too.  He wanted us to know he still loved his son, and always would, but he knew we were the ones who should raise him and be his parents.   He said that when Z went into foster care, he wanted to be sure he came to us and he would have fought to get him to us.  He explained a little about why he couldn't be a parent to Z, and it all made sense to us.  He was honest and sincere, which was good to hear.  The last thing he said was, he wanted Nathan to promise to be a good dad to Z, because Z deserved that. That's when I lost it and cried!  Nathan promised, and I told him that Nathan is a good dad.  He said he wanted us to know, he would always be Z's father, but from this point on, Nathan is his dad.  It was the most tear jerking thing I have ever been through!  But, it made us feel better to have an explanation from him and now we have something we can share with Z some day about his birth father.  Plus, I will feel better knowing that Z's dad is happy with where he is and knows he is in the best place for him.  So, the paperwork isn't actually signed yet, but our lawyer is working with DCS to get everything to Z's dad to get completed.  It will be done soon.

The part that didn't go as planned came when it got to the mom. She had said a few times that she wanted to sign her rights over so we could adopt Z, and had even tried to do it twice but technicalities came up that kept her from signing.  Once we got into court, it was a whole different thing.  She had changed her mind and was not going to sign.  She claimed she had been influenced by DCS to say she wanted to sign over rights.  It was ridiculous.   The judge obviously wasn't buying the story.  Everyone gave their reports and recommendations, all saying Z should stop visits with his mom because they are harmful to him and rights should be terminated. 
Here's the really shocking part--- despite all these reports, the judge ordered that visits continue.  I couldn't believe what he was saying.  How could he contradict what all of these people were saying and put Z through further trauma unnecessarily?  We were both pretty upset about it.  The caseworker called me about 30 minutes after we left to make sure I was ok, she knew I was not happy.

DCS is still filing termination paperwork on the mom.  So it will still happen, but as the CASA put it, "it will be ugly".  DCS will put together a case as to why rights need to be terminated and several witnesses will be called.  DCS has no shortage of witnesses in this either.  I don't think this mom has any idea of what she is about to put herself through. 

The judge approved the trial home placement to begin with G.  We will take him to his dad's tomorrow evening.  I am happy for them. G's dad and his girlfriend are excited to begin their life as a family with G. I think its going to work out and they will do well.  The only good thing about Z continuing visits with his mom, is G will also be at those visits.  So, Z will get a chance to see his brother on a regular basis, and, I will get to see him too.  It will make this transition a little easier on everyone I think. 

Monday will be a big day!!

This coming Monday will finally be our court date for the boys.  ---Barring any more continuances---  Big things will be happening that day.  The boys' mom is still saying she will sign papers that terminate her rights for Z and list us as the adoptive parents.  Z's dad finally returned DCS's calls and has said he will sign this same paperwork.  The caseworker told me last week that it was time for us to get an attorney for Z's adoption.  She gave me the name of one DCS uses a lot and Nathan gave her a call that day.  We filled out some forms and will know more about that process after Monday.  Technically, this could all be done in three months.  The court is required to wait three months before finalizing an adoption to give the parents a chance to change their minds about terminating their rights.  So, we have to wait at least 3 months.  But as long as we can get a court date fairly quickly, it shouldn't be much longer than that I don't think.  We have picked a sort of new name for our little guy, I will let you know more about that after court.  I think I can post some pictures after court too. 

Also on Monday, DCS will be asking for G's trial home visit to start.  The caseworker said she is planning to send G to his dad's next weekend and then he will stay there from that point on.  I'm a little nervous about this, but excited too.  G's dad is so excited, I can't help but be happy for him.  I talked to him on the phone today and told him I was going to be sad to see G leave, but I'm happy with where he's going.  He again reassured me that he wants G to see his brother, so we won't be rid of him completely.  That does make me feel better.

So, that is a lot to happen in one day.  We will essentially be gaining a son on the same day as we lose one.  It won't be as dramatic as that though.  It will be a happy day for us. 

As far as W's case, its going no where.  His mom continues to let us all down.  She has failed a few more drug tests.  I was talking with the caseworker for his case this week and we both agreed that something seems different with this mom.   She is still loving and good with W, but she seems to have a different attitude.  She hasn't been going to appointments with me, she doesn't make comments like "I am going to do whatever it takes to get him home" like she was before.  She hasn't been the least bit emotional when someone reminds her that her time to get W back is running out.  At the last court hearing, the judge changed her permanency plan from "reunification" to "termination" and she didn't react at all.  She seems checked out from the situation.  I don't think its because she doesn't want her baby, I think its because she knows she can't, or won't, do the things she must do to get him home.  She isn't keeping herself clean and she doesn't seem to be terribly motivated to make any changes.  We have talked with the caseworker and the CASA about the possibility of us adopting W if it does come to terminating his mom's rights.  Both agree this would be a good place for him.  So, that may be in our future, who knows? 

For now, we are pretty focused on successfully getting G with his dad and getting Z to be a permanent fixture in our family.  If foster care is nothing else, its always changing and never in the way you expected. 

We just got finished with a visit with the boys' mom.  A motion was filed last week to stop Z's visits with her, but the judge said he isn't going to hear the motion until we get to court.  So, I had to take both boys to the visit today.  When we got there, the mom said she wasn't feeling well and wasn't sure how long she could visit.  I have been able to watch the visits, through a one way glass, so I stayed and watched as the visit started.  The mom sat on the couch and interacted only when she had to with the boys, especially Z.  She did talk more with G, but still not much.  A few times, Z asked for something, like paper to draw, and she told him where he could find it, but didn't get up to help him.  A few times, she made Z give a toy he was playing with to G because "it was time to share".  She can't even let them enjoy themselves, because she isn't enjoying herself.  She doesn't want to be at these visits any more than anyone wants her there.  She knows this is all coming to an end and at this point, can't even pretend she wants to be with her kids.  I just don't see how a mother could feel this way about her children.  If I was only able to see my kids for 3 hours a week, you better believe I would be squeezing every second out that I could.  Anyway, after an hour, she came out and said she was finished for today and needed to leave.  The visit was supposed to last 3 hours. 

Last week, the visit started with just Z in the room, and then after an hour, it was supposed to switch and she would have just G.  10 minutes into the visit, Z said, "I want Mommy".  The mom asked him to repeat it, and he said it again, as calm and matter of fact as could be, "I want Mommy".  She knew he wasn't talking about her.  She came out and said he needed to come out of the visit because he wanted me.  She didn't try to redirect Z or try to keep him in with her for even just a few more minutes, she just brought him out.  The visit was over, after just 10 minutes.  I think she has totally checked out of this situation.  She knows the kids shouldn't be with her, especially Z, and she is done. 

I have to say, I am ready for this to be done too.  G is going to be going home in 2 weeks and Z is going to be a part of our family forever.  I am ready to start the next part of our lives, and for all these parts of our life causing turmoil to be over.  I know that even after Z is adopted and G is with his dad, things will never be totally over.  G and Z are still brothers.  We will always be a part of each others' lives, but we will finally be able to feel like a normal family again. 

It's not technically news yet, but it's good!!!

A huge thing happened this week. The caseworker, case manager, and CASA met with G and Z's mom and me. They basically said a bunch of stuff that everyone already knew; the mom is not making progress with her parenting skills, she has no bond with Z and doesn't seem to be interested in forming one, and Z is having tons of behavior problems as a result of his visits with her.

State law says that once a child is removed from the home for 15 out of 22 months (doesn't have to be consecutive but it is in this case) a petition to terminate parental rights has to be filed. So, DCS will be filing that on both boys during our court date May 9. But, because the mom has expressed that she does want G and she has done fairly well with him during visits, DCS will be asking for his termination case to be dismissed. That doesn't mean she automatically gets custody. Nothing will change right now as far as what the mom gets with G. What will change with G is DCS will be asking for G's dad to begin his trial home placement. That means G will be going to live with his dad on or around May 7. DCS labels it as a "trial home placement" because that allows them to remain involved and keeps G's case open for 3 months. I think things will go well. G's dad has definitely shown several times and different ways that he wants G and that he is ready to be a dad. I think he can do it, especially with all the support he has. The huge thing came when they moved on to talking about Z (not that G leaving isn't huge to us). No one will be asking for the termination case to be dismissed on Z like they will be for G. There are a few ways this could go... 1) DCS files for termination and a new case is opened where DCS presents all the evidence they have to say why rights should be terminated (and there is a lot of evidence). 2) the mom relinquishes her rights voluntarily and saves us all from having to hear all that evidence and the adoption would take place in a few months. 3) the mom signs her rights over on a form called "termination with the intent to adopt", in that case Nathan and I are named directly on that paperwork as the adoptive parents and the whole thing is done quickly (a couple months). She said she wants option 3. I was so surprised, and ecstatic, to hear her say that. If she follows through with this, Z will be a permanent part of our family really soon. The good thing is, it doesn't matter if she follows through or not, all three of those options result in us adopting Z. It's just that option 3 is the quickest and least traumatic. Also, no matter what, we all agreed (including the mom) that visits with Z need to stop now. I really think as miserable as Z has been during these visits, she is just as miserable. (Don't judge me for enjoying the fact that she's miserable just a little). So, hopefully, today was the last time our little man will see his biological mom. I can't wait until his case is closed and he is a Coe forever.

So a lot of changes are coming soon and all at once. It is going to be hard to tell G goodbye. We have raised him from the time he was 6 months and now he's 20 months old. We have tried to keep our emotions in check and not let ourselves forget he is here only until his family is ready to have him back. Still, we are very attached to him. I truely love him the same as I love any one of the other kids. Only, with him, I have made myself reserve a tiny bit back so I could deal with him going without a breakdown. I'm happy though for G and his dad. That is where he belongs and being where they belong is what I want for all my kids. One good thing about this situation is G's dad has told me he wants G to have a relationship with his brother. So, hopefully we will be able to meet up every now and then so the boys can see each other. I think knowing that our goodbye next month won't be a forever thing makes this all so much more tolerable. Plus the fact that we now know for sure that Z is not going anywhere softens the blow of saying goodbye to G. What a bittersweet day May 7 will be!

Someone would bail me out right?

So this past weekend was rough, Z was having a really hard time after his last visit. He has never had outbursts like he did last weekend. But, each day, things got better. By Tuesday or so, he was back to his usual happy self. Thank goodness.

But, here it is Friday again. Visit day. We will be starting over again. And if things follow on as they have been the last few weeks, the next few days will only be worse than the bad days we had last week. It sucks. I hate having to send this sweet boy into a situation I know will be so hard for him that he will act out for the next 3 or 4 days in his attempt to deal with what he's going through.

That's where the bail money comes in. Yesterday I was thinking, wouldn't I do anything for my kids to keep them safe? Yes, of course I would. So, to keep Z safe, I need to keep him out of these visits. But, the judge hasn't said visits can stop yet. So, if I refuse to take Z, I am in contempt of court. And I have been told I wouldn't do very well in jail. So, I guess I won't be needing that bail bondsman just yet. Besides, how can I take care of 5 kids from a jail cell?!

What's the opposite of progress??

That's what we are making with little Z, the opposite of progress.  As he continues to have visits with his mom, his behavior continues to get worse.  She has been coming to every visit since she learned it would be a violation of her parole not to, so we have been having to take Z and G every week.  For the first few months we had Z, his mom was visiting only intermittently.  It was nice!  But now, she hasn't missed a visit in almost 2 months.  Z has been having giant melt downs, hitting the other kids, yelling and kicking all over the place.  The weekend is the worst because the visits are on Thursdays or Fridays.  Our court date has again been pushed back, so we have to keep taking the boys to their visits.  It just isn't fair.  We are very frustrated right now.  But, we can see an end to all this, even if it continues to inch farther away with all these court continuances.  Even so, there will be an end.  So, we will keep dealing with the behaviors and hope they go away once the visits stop.  Thankfully, that crazy little G doesn't seem to be fazed by the visits.  He has such a different personality from Z.  I think "goofy" is a good way to describe him.  He just doesn't have a care in the world.  And, spending an hour and a half with a lady who he doesn't know from Adam isn't going to bother him any. 

Here is our house so far....

The kids have been so excited to see the progress.  We go over every evening and look at all the work that has been done.  G and Z find the pile of pea gravel and toss little rocks at each other.  Hannah and Addison inspect their rooms and see if they approve.  It really has been fun so far.  Hopefully it will continue that way!!