We just got finished with a visit with the boys' mom.  A motion was filed last week to stop Z's visits with her, but the judge said he isn't going to hear the motion until we get to court.  So, I had to take both boys to the visit today.  When we got there, the mom said she wasn't feeling well and wasn't sure how long she could visit.  I have been able to watch the visits, through a one way glass, so I stayed and watched as the visit started.  The mom sat on the couch and interacted only when she had to with the boys, especially Z.  She did talk more with G, but still not much.  A few times, Z asked for something, like paper to draw, and she told him where he could find it, but didn't get up to help him.  A few times, she made Z give a toy he was playing with to G because "it was time to share".  She can't even let them enjoy themselves, because she isn't enjoying herself.  She doesn't want to be at these visits any more than anyone wants her there.  She knows this is all coming to an end and at this point, can't even pretend she wants to be with her kids.  I just don't see how a mother could feel this way about her children.  If I was only able to see my kids for 3 hours a week, you better believe I would be squeezing every second out that I could.  Anyway, after an hour, she came out and said she was finished for today and needed to leave.  The visit was supposed to last 3 hours. 

Last week, the visit started with just Z in the room, and then after an hour, it was supposed to switch and she would have just G.  10 minutes into the visit, Z said, "I want Mommy".  The mom asked him to repeat it, and he said it again, as calm and matter of fact as could be, "I want Mommy".  She knew he wasn't talking about her.  She came out and said he needed to come out of the visit because he wanted me.  She didn't try to redirect Z or try to keep him in with her for even just a few more minutes, she just brought him out.  The visit was over, after just 10 minutes.  I think she has totally checked out of this situation.  She knows the kids shouldn't be with her, especially Z, and she is done. 

I have to say, I am ready for this to be done too.  G is going to be going home in 2 weeks and Z is going to be a part of our family forever.  I am ready to start the next part of our lives, and for all these parts of our life causing turmoil to be over.  I know that even after Z is adopted and G is with his dad, things will never be totally over.  G and Z are still brothers.  We will always be a part of each others' lives, but we will finally be able to feel like a normal family again. 

It's not technically news yet, but it's good!!!

A huge thing happened this week. The caseworker, case manager, and CASA met with G and Z's mom and me. They basically said a bunch of stuff that everyone already knew; the mom is not making progress with her parenting skills, she has no bond with Z and doesn't seem to be interested in forming one, and Z is having tons of behavior problems as a result of his visits with her.

State law says that once a child is removed from the home for 15 out of 22 months (doesn't have to be consecutive but it is in this case) a petition to terminate parental rights has to be filed. So, DCS will be filing that on both boys during our court date May 9. But, because the mom has expressed that she does want G and she has done fairly well with him during visits, DCS will be asking for his termination case to be dismissed. That doesn't mean she automatically gets custody. Nothing will change right now as far as what the mom gets with G. What will change with G is DCS will be asking for G's dad to begin his trial home placement. That means G will be going to live with his dad on or around May 7. DCS labels it as a "trial home placement" because that allows them to remain involved and keeps G's case open for 3 months. I think things will go well. G's dad has definitely shown several times and different ways that he wants G and that he is ready to be a dad. I think he can do it, especially with all the support he has. The huge thing came when they moved on to talking about Z (not that G leaving isn't huge to us). No one will be asking for the termination case to be dismissed on Z like they will be for G. There are a few ways this could go... 1) DCS files for termination and a new case is opened where DCS presents all the evidence they have to say why rights should be terminated (and there is a lot of evidence). 2) the mom relinquishes her rights voluntarily and saves us all from having to hear all that evidence and the adoption would take place in a few months. 3) the mom signs her rights over on a form called "termination with the intent to adopt", in that case Nathan and I are named directly on that paperwork as the adoptive parents and the whole thing is done quickly (a couple months). She said she wants option 3. I was so surprised, and ecstatic, to hear her say that. If she follows through with this, Z will be a permanent part of our family really soon. The good thing is, it doesn't matter if she follows through or not, all three of those options result in us adopting Z. It's just that option 3 is the quickest and least traumatic. Also, no matter what, we all agreed (including the mom) that visits with Z need to stop now. I really think as miserable as Z has been during these visits, she is just as miserable. (Don't judge me for enjoying the fact that she's miserable just a little). So, hopefully, today was the last time our little man will see his biological mom. I can't wait until his case is closed and he is a Coe forever.

So a lot of changes are coming soon and all at once. It is going to be hard to tell G goodbye. We have raised him from the time he was 6 months and now he's 20 months old. We have tried to keep our emotions in check and not let ourselves forget he is here only until his family is ready to have him back. Still, we are very attached to him. I truely love him the same as I love any one of the other kids. Only, with him, I have made myself reserve a tiny bit back so I could deal with him going without a breakdown. I'm happy though for G and his dad. That is where he belongs and being where they belong is what I want for all my kids. One good thing about this situation is G's dad has told me he wants G to have a relationship with his brother. So, hopefully we will be able to meet up every now and then so the boys can see each other. I think knowing that our goodbye next month won't be a forever thing makes this all so much more tolerable. Plus the fact that we now know for sure that Z is not going anywhere softens the blow of saying goodbye to G. What a bittersweet day May 7 will be!

Someone would bail me out right?

So this past weekend was rough, Z was having a really hard time after his last visit. He has never had outbursts like he did last weekend. But, each day, things got better. By Tuesday or so, he was back to his usual happy self. Thank goodness.

But, here it is Friday again. Visit day. We will be starting over again. And if things follow on as they have been the last few weeks, the next few days will only be worse than the bad days we had last week. It sucks. I hate having to send this sweet boy into a situation I know will be so hard for him that he will act out for the next 3 or 4 days in his attempt to deal with what he's going through.

That's where the bail money comes in. Yesterday I was thinking, wouldn't I do anything for my kids to keep them safe? Yes, of course I would. So, to keep Z safe, I need to keep him out of these visits. But, the judge hasn't said visits can stop yet. So, if I refuse to take Z, I am in contempt of court. And I have been told I wouldn't do very well in jail. So, I guess I won't be needing that bail bondsman just yet. Besides, how can I take care of 5 kids from a jail cell?!

What's the opposite of progress??

That's what we are making with little Z, the opposite of progress.  As he continues to have visits with his mom, his behavior continues to get worse.  She has been coming to every visit since she learned it would be a violation of her parole not to, so we have been having to take Z and G every week.  For the first few months we had Z, his mom was visiting only intermittently.  It was nice!  But now, she hasn't missed a visit in almost 2 months.  Z has been having giant melt downs, hitting the other kids, yelling and kicking all over the place.  The weekend is the worst because the visits are on Thursdays or Fridays.  Our court date has again been pushed back, so we have to keep taking the boys to their visits.  It just isn't fair.  We are very frustrated right now.  But, we can see an end to all this, even if it continues to inch farther away with all these court continuances.  Even so, there will be an end.  So, we will keep dealing with the behaviors and hope they go away once the visits stop.  Thankfully, that crazy little G doesn't seem to be fazed by the visits.  He has such a different personality from Z.  I think "goofy" is a good way to describe him.  He just doesn't have a care in the world.  And, spending an hour and a half with a lady who he doesn't know from Adam isn't going to bother him any. 

Here is our house so far....

The kids have been so excited to see the progress.  We go over every evening and look at all the work that has been done.  G and Z find the pile of pea gravel and toss little rocks at each other.  Hannah and Addison inspect their rooms and see if they approve.  It really has been fun so far.  Hopefully it will continue that way!!

Really??!

Our court date was continued again. Another one of the lawyers had a schedule conflict evidently. We don't have a new date yet, but the caseworker is expecting it to be in about two weeks. The only good thing about this delay is it should give the caseworkers more time to get things together to move all of this along. So, in the meantime, we will continue to wait and keep going along like we have been. Send some patience this way of you have any extra, I know I could use it!

P.S. our house has outside walls, a plywood roof, and interior studs! Things are moving on that front at least! If I can figure out how, I will try to put some pictures on here.

Don't you get attached?

I don't know how many times I have been asked that question. It's either that or, "I could never give them back". So, maybe I should address those things.

First of all, yes, we do get attached to the kids. How could we not? We are taking care of them 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. We are the ones who are comforting the kids when they miss their parents, when they fall and scrape their knee, when they are upset and just don't know why. We are also there when the kids are laughing while Hannah chases them around the house or Addison plays ball with them. We are there to fix meals and give bottles in the middle of the night and change poopy diapers. While the kids are here, they are part of our family. They go to birthday parties for our nieces and nephews, they go to Christmas dinner, they go to the grocery store with us. We try to make the kids feel as much a part of things as our girls are. They need that. They can't be with their biological family right now, for whatever reason, so we are the next best thing (and the only thing they have for the moment). Just because the kids are in foster care doesn't mean they don't need to feel as if they belong in our family, even if it is going to be temporary. It is so important for kids to have bonds with others and if their parents aren't with them enough to have a strong bond, we are there for them.

As far as "giving them back", we always know from the start that these are not our kids, not yet anyway. They are here for us to care for, and love on, but they still have a family. It's hard not to say, "we are a better family for them, we will give them more opportunities and stability than their biological family ever could, so they should stay with us". But, that's the easy thing to say. It's not our job to decide where is best for the kids (that being said, we certainly have strong opinions, but those don't count for much). Our job is to take care of the kids until they don't need us anymore, or until they need us forever. It's confusing sometimes and always complicated, but isn't that life?

When we got G, he wasn't quite 6 months old and he was tiny. He was covered in bruises and just seemed so helpless, which he was. I couldn't imagine DCS or a judge allowing him to go back to a family that put him into this state. I was instantly in love with him. I hoped every day for a while that I would get a call saying he was never going back and he would be with us forever. But, now, I know he has a dad who cares a lot for him and has learned a lot from all the programs DCS has put him through. I feel like he is ready to be a dad now. Will he do everything for G that we would do? No. Will he take G to the zoo and the children's museum like we do? Probably not. Will he make sure G eats nutritious foods, gets to bed at a decent time, and gets to school on time every day? Some of the time, probably. But,despite all that, he loves G and will give him the best life he can. And, G will be with his biological family. In this case, I think that is best.

Yes, it will be hard to see him go, but it has been a slow process and we have gotten a chance to see G's dad prove himself as a father. We have had a lot of time to adjust to him leaving. Not only that, but we have tried to remember every day that he is with us temporarily (even on those days I hoped for that call). Every time the girls have said something like "I bet G will love to go swimming this summer!", we respond with "if he's still with us". It has just become part of things for the girls, I'm so proud of how they have handled all this.

So, yes we are attached to the kids, but in a healthy way. And yes it is hard to see them go, but we know that is the plan from the start. So, everyone that says they could never do foster care because they couldn't "give the kids back" could do it if they remembered the purpose of foster care in the first place. Yes, we went into this with the intention to adopt, but, each time a child has been placed with us, we have known they may only be with us until it's time for them to go home. Sometimes it helps to think of ourselves as babysitters, really underpaid, long term, never knowing when the gig is over, babysitters!

It's possible to be discouraged and encouraged in the same day?!

I didn't know it before, but after yesterday, I found out it is possible to be discouraged, disgusted, angry, excited, encouraged, and happy all in the same day. Another perk of foster care I guess.

Yesterday morning started off with the bad news. I found out W's mom has again had drug screens positive for cocaine. The past two tests the caseworker gave were positive, plus one her drug counselor gave her before that. I knew about the one from the drug counselor, we found out about that a few weeks ago. When that happened, we all expected this case to move backward several steps, even though that isn't what any of us wanted (us being Nathan and I, the CASA, and the therapists working with the mom). We were all so surprised and thankful when the caseworker basically said she was giving W's mom a free pass with that screen. But, with the past two being positive as well, the free pass is long used up. So, starting with the next visit, visitation is again supervised. This is a huge step back. I honestly don't know what to think or what will happen. This is where the disgusted feeling comes in. I feel like I put my confidence in this mom to get her son back, and that would be what was best for W. But now, I feel betrayed. I feel like this mom took advantage of me, and the rest of her supporters, by going back to a behavior she knew would only hinder W coming home. Does she not want him coming home? Are her own desires more important than having her son in her life? I don't know. I do know that drug addiction is a serious thing, and not something that can be dealt with and overcome in a few weeks or months. But, honestly I don't believe W's mom is addicted to drugs. If she was truly an "addict" her levels would not be at the "trace" level with every test. She isn't using cocaine daily and she isn't using it in very large amounts. I feel like she is using when someone comes over and wants to get high with her and she doesn't have the confidence or guts to say no. Regardless of her motivation for using again after she had been clean for almost two months, I just don't understand it and I have lost a lot of faith in her getting her son back. If she can't stay clean or keep the people bringing the drugs out of her life long enough to get her son out of foster care, how is she going to stay clean once he's home. So, that was the bad news.

Then, yesterday afternoon, we got some good news. Steps have been taken to move things forward in Z's case. What's funny is, in this case, I consider "moving forward" as something that gets us closer to adopting Z, not getting closer to him going home. It's the exact opposite from how I feel about the other boys' cases. Actually, I think I consider moving forward as anything that gets the kids closer to being where they need to be, being in the situation that is best for them. I guess I see staying with us as what is best for Z. I know I am biased because I am crazy about him, but I really do believe he belongs in our family. But anyway, I can't really give details until it's done, but know that things are "moving forward" for Z. And that is very exciting, encouraging, and makes me happy!