Update on Mr. W

We went to court today for W's mom's initial termination hearing.  The dad's hearing was last week and he of course denied the termination (since this is all a conspiracy against him and all). 

We waited in the waiting area (which was packed) for about an hour and a half.  I hate that part. We always sit by W's mom, it would be weird to walk past her and sit across the room.  So anyway, there we are sitting by her, with the CASA on the other side and the case manager there too.  We all want to talk about the case because we don't have that many chances to get caught up on any changes that may be going on.  But, we can't really talk because the mom is sitting there, so we all scramble around to find something to talk about for what feels like an eternity.  The whole time the mom is sitting there looking like she could break down at any moment. Its stressful.

So, finally the caseworker called us back to the hall outside the court room because we were next.  We waited out there for another 10 or 15 minutes.  Well, Nathan gets fed up with everyone walking on egg shells all the time when he feels like they should be more upfront.  So, he says to the caseworker, while the mom is standing right there, "I just hope this all gets done soon, W is getting big enough that its going to start affecting him".  No one really says anything, but I'm pretty sure I felt daggers coming from the moms eyes and heading toward Nathan. 

So we went into the court room finally. The judge went through some technical stuff with the mom as far as what termination means and why DCS was requesting it.  He told her she could accept these charges and waive her right to a trial, but then he said he was accepting her denial.  I wasn't sure how he knew she wanted to deny since he didn't ask her, but that's what happened.  I'm sure she would have denied anyway. 

Then a weird thing happened.  The mom's lawyer started whispering to her and then he told the judge she wanted more visit time.  Where did that come from? We were there for termination.  The time for more visits has past (quite a long time ago!). The caseworker explained to the judge that she had planned to reduce visits soon because it was nearing termination.  The judge didn't make a decision right then, but said he will likely keep visit time at DCS discretion. 

Also, a fact finding hearing was not set because a status hearing was set for April 8.  I have never heard of a status hearing and I don't know why he set it. But he made it clear that the mom did not need to be there for it.  I guess, after this status hearing takes place, the fact finding will be scheduled.  All I took from that was this is all going to drag out longer. 

So, not much happened today and it took a long time to get that accomplished. 

Bonding

Everyone talks a lot about bonding with adopted kids.  Its a very important part of building a relationship between a parent and child.  The child needs to feel they are loved and need to feel attached to the parent and those feelings need to be reciprocated by the parent.  Its a long process and can be trying at times, but its so important.

With W, bonding hasn't been much of an issue, it just happened naturally.  We got W when he was 3 months old, so he has never known any family but us. He developed a bond with us just like a biological child would have.

But, Alexander has been different.  He was able to develop a bond and feel attached to me pretty quickly.  But, I had to put forth a lot of effort in the process.  I took 4 weeks off work when he came to us.  I spent those weeks spending as much time with him as possible. I tried to make sure I was as close to him physically as I could be, while not making him uncomfortable.  I gave him tons of hugs, and just touched him as much as I could.  I held him a lot.  I held his hand.  I made sure I was right there to comfort him when he fell down or was scared.  Of course I do those things for all the kids, but I put it into overdrive with Alexander. 

All of this bonding thing was on my mind today because I realized we are still forming that bond together.  I think bonding is an ongoing process with all kids (bio or otherwise), but even more so with Alexander. 

Today, Alexander had an eye appointment at Riley.  He had failed a vision screening at the doctor when we first got him so the doctor referred us to Riley.  He got the all clear today, so no more follow-ups are needed.  Anyway, Alexander spent the whole day with Nathan and I today.  He was really good at his appointment, but he was a little leery the whole time because he wasn't sure what was going to happen.  Because he felt uncomfortable, he made sure to stick close to Nathan and I. 

Now, that we are home, he's still right by my side.  He just came up to me and put his head on me and gave me a big hug.  He gives me hugs a lot, but he is not a lovey-dovey kid. So the fact that he has come up and hugged me several times today is really out of the norm for him. Sometimes I wonder if Alexander isn't overly lovey with us because he isn't a person who likes to cuddle, or is it a result of him not having the same bond with us yet. Either way, I am still seeing him build a stronger bond with us as time passes, even though he was been with us for so long. I guess I didn't think about this process continuing on for this long. But in a way, it makes sense. All relationships are always evolving.

Nothing much has happened yet....

We still haven't had the initial court date for termination of parental rights (TPR) for W. Everything that was scheduled for court the day our hearing was supposed to be was rescheduled for next month.  So, now our initial hearing is on March 18th for the mom.  The dad's is March 12th.  We still don't go to any of his hearings for safety reasons, so we will just have to wait and hear how that goes. 

One thing I did find out about involving the dad, at his last court hearing, the caseworker said she would grant visitation if the dad completed services 80% of the time for 30 days.  Services would include counseling, parenting classes, etc, that he has been court ordered to complete.  I know why the caseworker did this, she wants to be able to show in court that she has given the dad multiple chances to move forward in the case, but he hasn't followed through.  She will use this in his TPR case.  But, I was also a bit nervous about this.  I know she did it because she was confident he wouldn't follow through, but what if he did?  I am not OK with him having visits. Not even supervised ones.  But, as it turns out, the dad didn't make any appointments with his services; he's at 0%, no where near the required 80. So we can take a breath and not worry about him visiting.

W's mom hasn't said anything to me about TPR.  I didn't expect her to, but it is like the elephant in the room every time I see her now.  The first visit we had after all the paperwork came, she wouldn't look at me or speak to me.  I didn't take it personally, but it was still awkward.  To make matters worse, W is starting to talk and he now calls us mom and dad.  The other day when I went to pick him up from a visit, he ran up to me yelling "Mommy!" and grabbed my legs.  I picked him up and said, "yes, tell mommy goodbye!". It was not fun.  She didn't say anything, but I know it must be hurtful to see your baby run to another woman and call her mommy. 

But, on the other hand, I have been mommy to him since he was tiny.  He has been with me far more than with his birth mom.  Plus, this situation is not my fault, it is hers.

I think that is something I am finally seeing clearly. For a long time, I really felt sorry for this mom.  I wanted her to succeed.  I tried to help her out and encourage her as much as I could.  Sometimes I felt guilty that I was taking W home with me after a visit.  And, I do still like this mom.  And, I don't want her to fail.  But, she has been given so much support over the past 19 months that her failures can't be blamed on anyone but her now.  Caseworkers, therapists, the CASA, everyone has held her hand and guided her in the right direction.  But, she has repeatedly let go and ran back to where she started.  Its that fact that has brought me to the realization that its time for this to move on and for her to take a different role in W's life. His birth mom can't be his mom anymore.  She can still love him and keep a relationship with him, but not as a mother.  W needs more than what she is willing to offer.

That's the other part, its what she is willing to offer that is the problem.  If she wasn't able to give him what he needed, that could be fixed. But the fact is, she is perfectly capable of being a parent but chooses not to.  That makes this a whole other situation. 

So, things are at a standstill until we get into court, but everyone is pretty confident of what the outcome will be.

We knew the caseworker was planning to file termination on W's parents, but we hadn't heard the status of that for a few days.  The caseworker had hoped to have things ready so she could do the initial termination hearing when we were at court on the 14th, but she wasn't able to get that done.

Well, when I got the mail today, there was a copy of termination paperwork.  They filed on both parents and the initial hearings are in about 2 weeks.  That means things should be final, as far as the termination of parental rights in 6 weeks or so, unless it takes a while longer to get another court date.

What happens in this process is, the caseworker files termination of parental rights with the court.  An initial hearing is scheduled then.  At the initial hearing for Alexander, which is my only experience with this, the judge read the case number, said who was present, and asked the parents if they accepted or denied the charges.  I'm guessing that is how it will go in this case also.  If the the parents accept, I think the judge can grant termination then.  But if they deny, a Fact Finding hearing is scheduled.  It is supposed to be in 30 days.  The Fact Finding hearing is where DCS presents all the evidence they have as to why termination needs to be granted.

If the parents voluntarily give up parental rights (meaning it wouldn't have to get to the fact finding hearing), the judge will grant the termination and we can start the adoption process in 30 days.  If the parents won't consent and termination is granted involuntarily, we aren't able to start the adoption process for 6 months.  That time frame is there to allow the parents to file an appeal since they didn't consent to the termination.  During that 6 months, W would still technically be in foster care, but nothing would change.  Visitation would be stopped and we would just be waiting for the 6 months to end so we could make things official.

I haven't seen W's mom since this happened, his next visit is on Monday.  I don't know how she is going to react to this.  She knew it was coming.  I hope she will just go ahead and sign her rights over, but that is probably wishful thinking.  I am confident termination will be granted at Fact Finding, but it would be good if it didn't have to come to that.  The one that will probably hold things up is the dad.  He has maintained that this is a conspiracy against him and he was holding his son in a loving way when he was arrested, even though an entire SWAT team disagrees.  So, I don't see him consenting to anything.

I guess we never expected this to be a smooth process.  As long as it ends with W being in the best place for him, that's the important thing.

Love these guys!!

The other morning, I was laying in bed trying to avoid getting out of it while Nathan worked away in the basement.  All four kids had gotten up and made their way to my bed and joined together to try and ruin my plan of staying in bed. -- Basically, a typical Saturday morning at our house.

I asked the kids what they thought about W's name and what we should do if we adopted him.  We have always planned to change his name if we were able to adopt him.  I honestly can't stand his name, and the fact that he is named after his dad makes it even worse.  I feel like naming a child after someone is a way to honor that person and set an example for who you want that child to become.  W's dad is the last person I want any child to aspire to be.  He is violent and truely a bad guy.  So, a new name will be in order once/if W becomes a Coe.

Anyway, when I asked what we should change W's name to once we adopted him, Alexander said immediately, "But you adopted me!". I think he thought he was the only one who could be adopted around here.   I couldn't help but laugh.  I told him I knew we adopted him, but maybe we would be able to adopt W too.  He seemed ok with that answer.

Hannah suggested we give him the same middle name as Alexander, Ian, but I told her two brothers couldn't have the same name.  Then she brought up the good point that her and I have the same middle name.  So I didn't have much of an argument for that.

So, we don't have a definite name yet.  We are pretty set on the first name though.  I will share that with you once things are a little closer to being set.  We do have court tomorrow, which will be one small step, most likely.  Again, we don't want to get that cart before the horse.

What?!

Oh my goodness, this day! I have said so many times that foster care is a roller coaster ride, and it is!

I got a call from our caseworker today that W's mom has failed a drug screen.  That means termination will be filed now.  That means W isn't going home next month and probably not ever.

I honestly don't know how to feel.  I feel relieved, but at the same time I'm hesitant to feel relieved in case this roller coaster starts up again.

So many people say to us "how can you be ok with the kids leaving? Aren't you attached? They are better off with you."  But people who say those things don't really know how foster care is.  Not that I'm blaming them, I had no idea either before we jumped into it.  But yes we do get attached, yes we love the kids.  But, we keep in mind though all this that we aren't these kids' parents.  We are the ones who have, for some crazy reason, agreed to keep them safe and love them until their families can take over again.

I was uneasy about W leaving us.  But not because I just wanted him to stay with us.  I was worried because I don't think his mom can take over.  I don't think she wants to take over, I think she likes being with W and spending time with him, but I don't think she has it in her to be a full time mother.  She has proved that with her daughter.  She sees her daughter pretty regularly and gets to spend time with her, but ultimately she isn't her daughter's full time mother.  And, the mom is happy with that situation.   

W deserves a full time mother.  That's why I am scared for him to go home.

But, after today, I don't think I will have to be worried about that any more.

These emotions are crazy!  I am so happy that we will have another son.  But again, I can't put the cart before the horse, that wouldn't be the "foster parently" thing to do.  (My patent is pending on that new word I just created).  So maybe I should stick with taking the risk of being relieved for now.  I will move on to happy, or more like ecstatic, when we get through this next stage.

Change is coming...

Change can be good.  I like change really---it's exciting.

We had a meeting today with everyone involved in W's case to make a plan for the case.  Everyone agrees that 18 months is too long for this case to have gone on.  So, it was decided that W will go home next month.

Every time the case has gotten to this point, the mom has done something to slow things down or move them backwards.  She says she wants W home, but I'm not convinced she really does.  I don't feel like she has taken any steps to move forward from where she was 18 months ago.  But the problem is she hasn't done enough for her rights to be terminated and this case closed.  Since rights can't be terminated, they are sending W home.

That doesn't really seem logical, but I think the caseworker feels like she doesn't have a choice.  I also think she feels like it will take W being home for the mom to show her true colors and prove whether she will sink or swim.

So, in about 6 weeks, we will be down to a family of 5.  We haven't had just 5 of us for a while, 18 months to be exact!  What will we do with ourselves?

I will keep reminding myself that change is good.