Love these guys!!

The other morning, I was laying in bed trying to avoid getting out of it while Nathan worked away in the basement.  All four kids had gotten up and made their way to my bed and joined together to try and ruin my plan of staying in bed. -- Basically, a typical Saturday morning at our house.

I asked the kids what they thought about W's name and what we should do if we adopted him.  We have always planned to change his name if we were able to adopt him.  I honestly can't stand his name, and the fact that he is named after his dad makes it even worse.  I feel like naming a child after someone is a way to honor that person and set an example for who you want that child to become.  W's dad is the last person I want any child to aspire to be.  He is violent and truely a bad guy.  So, a new name will be in order once/if W becomes a Coe.

Anyway, when I asked what we should change W's name to once we adopted him, Alexander said immediately, "But you adopted me!". I think he thought he was the only one who could be adopted around here.   I couldn't help but laugh.  I told him I knew we adopted him, but maybe we would be able to adopt W too.  He seemed ok with that answer.

Hannah suggested we give him the same middle name as Alexander, Ian, but I told her two brothers couldn't have the same name.  Then she brought up the good point that her and I have the same middle name.  So I didn't have much of an argument for that.

So, we don't have a definite name yet.  We are pretty set on the first name though.  I will share that with you once things are a little closer to being set.  We do have court tomorrow, which will be one small step, most likely.  Again, we don't want to get that cart before the horse.

What?!

Oh my goodness, this day! I have said so many times that foster care is a roller coaster ride, and it is!

I got a call from our caseworker today that W's mom has failed a drug screen.  That means termination will be filed now.  That means W isn't going home next month and probably not ever.

I honestly don't know how to feel.  I feel relieved, but at the same time I'm hesitant to feel relieved in case this roller coaster starts up again.

So many people say to us "how can you be ok with the kids leaving? Aren't you attached? They are better off with you."  But people who say those things don't really know how foster care is.  Not that I'm blaming them, I had no idea either before we jumped into it.  But yes we do get attached, yes we love the kids.  But, we keep in mind though all this that we aren't these kids' parents.  We are the ones who have, for some crazy reason, agreed to keep them safe and love them until their families can take over again.

I was uneasy about W leaving us.  But not because I just wanted him to stay with us.  I was worried because I don't think his mom can take over.  I don't think she wants to take over, I think she likes being with W and spending time with him, but I don't think she has it in her to be a full time mother.  She has proved that with her daughter.  She sees her daughter pretty regularly and gets to spend time with her, but ultimately she isn't her daughter's full time mother.  And, the mom is happy with that situation.   

W deserves a full time mother.  That's why I am scared for him to go home.

But, after today, I don't think I will have to be worried about that any more.

These emotions are crazy!  I am so happy that we will have another son.  But again, I can't put the cart before the horse, that wouldn't be the "foster parently" thing to do.  (My patent is pending on that new word I just created).  So maybe I should stick with taking the risk of being relieved for now.  I will move on to happy, or more like ecstatic, when we get through this next stage.

Change is coming...

Change can be good.  I like change really---it's exciting.

We had a meeting today with everyone involved in W's case to make a plan for the case.  Everyone agrees that 18 months is too long for this case to have gone on.  So, it was decided that W will go home next month.

Every time the case has gotten to this point, the mom has done something to slow things down or move them backwards.  She says she wants W home, but I'm not convinced she really does.  I don't feel like she has taken any steps to move forward from where she was 18 months ago.  But the problem is she hasn't done enough for her rights to be terminated and this case closed.  Since rights can't be terminated, they are sending W home.

That doesn't really seem logical, but I think the caseworker feels like she doesn't have a choice.  I also think she feels like it will take W being home for the mom to show her true colors and prove whether she will sink or swim.

So, in about 6 weeks, we will be down to a family of 5.  We haven't had just 5 of us for a while, 18 months to be exact!  What will we do with ourselves?

I will keep reminding myself that change is good. 

Alexander's Adoption Day

Yesterday was quite a day!  We have been telling Alexander about it for a while but I don't think he really understood what was going to happen.  The girls were excited about it though.  When Nathan picked them up from school to get ready for court, Hannah's teacher said she had been all smiles all day because she was excited about adopting her brother.  We thought that was pretty cool.

Like I said, we shared our court date with Nathan's sister, Sarah, and her family as they were adopting too.  So, we all met at the court building a little while before we were scheduled for court.  We had quite a croud there!  There were 5 of us (W was at a visit with his mom), Sarah and Chris have 7, Nathan's other sister Christy and her family had 4, both of our parents made 4 more, then there were 5 DCS related people we had invited.  So I guess that adds up to about 25 of us!  It was great to have everyone there. 

Sarah's family used the same lawyer as we did, so that was how we got to share the court date.  She came out and went over a couple of things and made sure we didn't have any questions.  Then we all filed into the court room.  As we were walking in, I was hit with emotion.  I was thinking great, I knew I was going to cry, but I don't want to start already!  I kept myself together though and we sat down to wait on the judge.  She had gotten on a call and was running a few minutes late. 

Finally the judge made it and things began.  Sarah's family went first with their adoption of Torry.  Torry is almost the same age as Alexander.  He is a super sweet little boy.  He doesn't talk right now, but he was voicing his approval pretty much the whole time.  It was pretty sweet.  Chris and Sarah agreed that they wanted Torry to be a part of their family forever and the judge granted their adoption. 

Then it was our turn.

We all stood up in the center of the room, which I was really glad the girls were able to come up too.  The judge had us raise our right hand and be sworn in.  I didn't see it at the time, but after I looked at the pictures, Addison was raising her right hand too.  I guess she wanted to make it official too!

Our lawyer is the lady in the leather jacket there with us.  She was the one doing most of the talking.  I can't really remember most of what she said, because I was just trying to keep myself together. Which I didn't do a very good job of, I cried through the whole thing!  But the gist of it was confirming we are Nathan and Shannon, agreeing we do want to make Alexander a part of our family forever, and that was about it I think. 

It was an overwhelming thing.  This has been a long year with Alexander.  He has had some pretty rough days, especially in the beginning.  But now, things are so much better.  He is happy, he is growing, he plays so well with the other kids, he doesn't use 4 letter words, and so many other things that are just so great to see.  As long of a year as it has been for him, I think it has been a bit longer for Nathan and I (especially me I think).  I have taken him to visits that I didn't want to take him to. I have watched visits between Alexander and his mom that made me want to scream.  I have been to meetings, case conferences, and court dates for this little boy.  I'm pretty sure this process gave me my first gray hair (its in my eye brow!).  But all that is over now.  I don't ever have to say that he is my foster child ever again, he's my son.  That's pretty cool, overwhelming, but cool.

So after the judge said her stuff (again, I have no idea what she said), we took lots of pictures.  The judge was so nice.  She stayed around to take pictures with us.  She even let all the kids have a turn banging her gavel up on her podium. 



When we were done, we all went to get some supper.  Lots of our family and friends met us there.  It was so nice to be with everyone.  Alexander was having a great time.  A couple of people brought him gifts and he thought that was awesome. 

So, it was a good day.  It was emotional, but good.  

 

Today was the big day!!

We finalized Alexander's adoption today. It was a really great day. I can't even express how relieved I feel now. It's like closure to the stressful journey that we have been on for the past year.

We have been telling Alexander about what would happen today, and what it all means. But really, all he got from our explanation was-- it's a special day and there will be a party. But, that's ok, he got the gist of it!

This day was extra special because our nephew became an official member of our family today too, this was also his adoption day!

I want to write about all that happened today, but I am so tired. I have been reading through old blog posts and reliving the trauma and drama of the past year and it has gotten late. (I may get a bit dramatic myself when I'm this tired).

So, I just wanted to do a quick post to share a picture or two for now.

More to come later!

I just feel drained

We had court yesterday for the initial hearing on the termination of W's mom's parental rights.

DCS had made it clear before hand that they would ask for the termination case to be dismissed.  That would mean the case would continue as it has for the past 16 months; as an open "CHINS" case.  A "CHINS" is a "child in need of services", which is what W is because he needs to be in foster care right now.  The reason DCS does not want to pursue termination is because they feel it is still a viable option for W to go home.  In other words, they aren't giving up on the mom yet. 

I think another reason they asked for dismissal is that they feel there isn't a strong enough case or enough evidence to get termination granted at this time.  Which, that may be true.  Granting termination is not something a judge takes lightly -which they shouldn't, its serious stuff-  but at the same time, how long can this go on? 

I talked with our caseworker today and she let me know she isn't really comfortable with things either.   She knows things don't always add up with the mom, but again, its not enough to end this case.   She didn't say what will happen if the mom looses her house.  We found out this week she has been lying about the hours she was working, so her assistance is being taken away for 3 months.  Because it includes this month, her rent won't be paid again until March.  I don't know how her land lord will feel about that.  Its possible she will be homeless for a time.  That puts a new spin on things!

Also, it still isn't certain if she is seeing W's dad or not. He has all of a sudden stopped going to his counseling (not that he was going very much before). But it was brought up that maybe he isn't going because he is seeing W already, so why go through the trouble of all the hoops DCS has put up?

I'm hoping these big questions get answered soon, and truthfully so we can feel good about things no matter where W ends up going.

All of this is just draining lately. It doesn't help that I have been working twice as many hours as I normally do (still less than 40 though!). But its hard when I keep thinking, this case has to end soon, one way or another, because time is running out. Then, something comes up and the case continues on again. I wonder what the record is for the longest DCS case ever? That's a record I'd rather not break!

We have a court date!

We heard from our attorney today.  She has scheduled our court date to finalize Alexander's adoption on December 12th. 

I am so excited and relieved to have a date, finally.  We got this little guy on November 18th, 2011, so it's been a long time coming.  

Its amazing the changes this little guy has went through in the last year.  He is now a happy and healthy little boy. 
I can't wait to post all kinds of pictures!