Will she do it this time?

Of course the mistake I thought was huge was only minor to the caseworker in W's case.  She explained, as if I had no idea how things work, that the mom can have any relationship she wants and the purpose of all this is to allow her to live as she normally would, all while making sure she can keep W safe in the process.  I understand that, and I told the caseworker so.  But what concerns me is why was the mom hiding this guy? Why couldn't she tell him to leave while she had her visit? That is the problem. She still isn't putting her child first.  And this is the same problem the mom had when this case started 15 months ago.  That tells me that she hasn't budged from the situation she was in at the beginning.  But, maybe that's why I'm not a caseworker, I'm too quick to doubt the parents' ability to be good parents.  I hope that's not the case, because I don't intend to be that way.

Anyway, the caseworker has progressed this case to unsupervised visits.  The mom gets her same 3 hours 3 days a week but without a social worker there with her.  In 2 weeks, her time increases to 6 hours a visit,  then a few weeks later she gets an overnight visit.  The trial home placement hasn't been scheduled yet.  We are supposed to meet again after the overnight visit and make a plan from there.  This is all contingent on the mom staying clean and following the safety plan (no unauthorized visitors during visits and maining a safe home).  This is the third time this case has gotten to unsupervised visits.  Each time before, the whole thing fell apart right before the overnights started.  Maybe she can do it this time.  I don't have a lot of faith in this mom at this point, but maybe she will surprise me. 

I can't decide how I feel about W leaving, if it gets to that.  I am trying to feel good about it.  I know his mom loves him and she says she wants him with her.  She has the potential to be a great mom as long as she can stay on the right path.  But that's where the problem comes up for me.  This isn't the first time this mom has went through the system with a child.  She lost custody of her daughter a couple of years ago and it was because of a similar situation, her boyfriend was abusing her daughter and she couldn't keep her safe.  The case ended with her daughter being permanently placed with a relative. Now that it has happened again with W, she has taken 15 months to finally be in a position to possibly get him home.  But if its taken this long, after she already went through this with her daughter, I would be stupid to believe it won't happen again.  She has shown that she isn't strong enough, or maybe not motivated enough, or whatever to put her kids first in her life.  But that's the thing about being a foster parent, it doesn't really matter how you feel, the case is not in your control.  So, that being said, the best thing to do to keep your sanity is to love the kids while you have them, try and influence them in the most positive way possible, and always be prepared to say goodbye.  We try to remember we are only babysitters of these kids, that's the only way to keep our sanity when they leave.

Something finally flipped the switch

Alexander has been great the past few months now.  He has blossomed into a happy, growing, talkative, loving little boy.  About 2 months after his visits with his mom stopped, we started seeing changes happening.  He wasn't getting upset every five minutes.  He wasn't hitting the other kids all day long.  He wasn't demanding to be held constantly.  He was just happier.  It was amazing to watch.  Sad too, though. 

I was hoping things would be better when the visits stopped, but I wasn't sure it would happen.  We knew that Alexander had been abused and neglected and his mom had played a big part in that.  But would simply not seeing her for those couple of hours a week make a difference? It did. And, thank goodness!

The thing I feel bad about is that he hasn't seen his brother, G, either. I haven't talked directly to G's dad, but I have been told through a few people involved with the case that he wants to get the boys together. I understand what he is wanting to do, and I think he has good intentions. He wants G to know his brother and maintain a sibling relationship with him. But, being a parent to G is different from being a parent to Alexander. Not to pat ourselves on the back, but we gave G a good start in his life. He was subjected to some terrible stuff, but he came to our family when he was only 6 months old. He doesn't remember being abused or neglected. And, the shorter time he was subjected to all that, I think, has made a big difference in the way he reacts to things. G acts like a typical kid. He is happy and carefree, like a kid should be. Still, Alexander is very observant of his surroundings. He asks frequently what we are doing, whats happening next, and who will be there. His start in life was different than G's and we haven't gotten him completely beyond that yet.

So for the two boys to see each other probably would be a good experience for G. He would have fun playing with his brother and probably talk about it for a few days. But for Alexander, it would be different. Visiting with G would get him thinking about his mom again. It would remind him that he used to go to visits, but doesn't any more. It would affect him for a while, and I can't say how long. As his mom, I can't subject Alexander to something that will affect him in a negative way. Not when I can't see a benefit, anyway.

I do think it may be good to get the boys together later, I'm not sure how much later, but definitely later. Alexander has made strong bonds with Hannah and Addison, but I know some day he will want to know his brother. During our foster care classes, our instructor brought in her adopted son to talk. He was adopted around age 4 I think. His family was made up of several children, all adopted. He did have one biological brother that wasn't placed with him (this happened 20 years ago and things have changed now). He explained that he loves his adopted family and feels a bond with them, but felt like it would feel different to be with his biological brother. He felt like that bond would be stronger or just feel different. He hadn't met his brother yet so he couldn't say how he felt about him. I would be interested to hear how things went when they did meet.

But anyway, the lesson I learned from that story was, even though this guy had a healthy bond with his adopted family, and knew why he had been adopted, and knew that it was the best thing for him, he still felt like his biological family would be better in some way. I don't want Alexander to always feel like he is missing out on something by being adopted. If he sees G some, hopefully he will know that his bond with us is just as strong as one he would have with his biological family.

Reading back over this, I guess I have gotten away from the original point of this post. So, to sum up, Alexander is doing great. He has made great strides over the past year, but even greater ones over the past couple of months. We are so happy to have him as a part of our family, and I think he is pretty happy to be here too.

I need a break!!

Here we go again.  The ups and downs of foster care are getting to me today.  I feel like I have been on the phone all day, which is hard to believe because I was also at work for about 10 hours today.  W's mom is going to give me a stroke from all this.  She has been doing really well lately.  I talked with the caseworker on Tuesday and we both agreed that things were leaning more toward W going home.  All the drug screens have been clean for almost 3 months now. The mom has been talkative and happy when I see her. I have been thinking she might be taking steps in the right direction.  The next step is unsupervised visits.  Then, today happens.

When I got to the mom's house to drop W off for his visit on Monday, the mom was standing at the visit supervisor's car talking.  I got him out of the car and walked up.  The mom told me that she had found her pilot light off on her stove and so she didn't want to be in the house for a while.  The visit supervisor suggested they go to the library for a while.  I handed W over and they all loaded into the car and left.  It was no big deal, they go to the library sometimes during visits so I didn't think a thing about it.

Then, when I got there for Wednesday's visit, it was a similar scene.  The mom was outside.  This time, she needed the visit supervisor to do the visit someplace else because her furnace was being worked on.  This time I was suspicious. She was obviously keeping us out, I just didn't know why.

I called the visit supervisor today because we needed to talk about this. She told me she had some concerns too and was glad I called. Of course she was thinking the same thing I was, what or who was she keeping us from seeing? She was going to do some investigating and get back to me. I called the caseworker to let her know about these concerns too. I got her voice mail so I called the CASA next.

Again--I'm so thankful for CASAs! She was driving near the mom's apartment anyway, so she drove past. She saw a man who she initially thought was W's dad, but turns out it wasn't. She went up to the door and the man answered. He wouldn't tell her his name, but he did say he was living there. This was the reason the mom was keeping us out of the apartment.

I was shocked. I shouldn't have been, but I was-- and still am. This is a game changer, I think. How could this mom have a man living in her apartment and not let anyone know? My guess is he has a criminal record, so she wanted to keep everyone from knowing about him. There is no problem with her having a boyfriend, but she can't have someone around W without being able to show it is a safe situation. The only explanation for her keeping this guy a secret is that she knows he is bad news. So, she knows this, and she knows that she can't keep this guy a secret for long. And, she knows that her actions are going to end up keeping her from getting W home. That's where the shock comes in. How can she afford to do something so detrimental to this case at this point? She knows that she is so close to loosing W for good and any mistake at this point is going to be huge. But she also knows that her screens have been clean for 3 months, and that is huge.

The visit supervisor (who is also a counselor of some sort) feels the mom is self sabotaging. She is going to talk point blank with the mom about this. She is going to tell her she knows about this new guy and the mom has to tell him to leave for visits because these are her visits and she should not be leaving her own house like this. That won't work because this mom can't demand anything from anyone. She can't give an answer when she is asked a question. Her response is always "whatever you think". She thinks the mom knows W is safe with us and feels relieved and satisfied with that. She wants to talk to the mom about this and try to get an honest answer from her. Again, she won't get an honest answer, because the mom can't stand up for herself.

I hope the caseworker takes this all seriously. I hope she puts some consequences in place because of this. That has been some of the problem. The mom gets 3 visits a week for 3 hours each, that is a lot of visits. Even after several bad drug screens, her visits haven't changed. I feel like the visits should be reduced and moved to the office, not in the home. She has shown that she can't maintain a safe home--again, so how can the visits continue in the home.

I don't know, I'm frustrated I guess.

Alexander's caseworker stopped by this evening.  She brought by some paperwork we need to sign to get the next step of the adoption going.  Nothing too exciting, just some papers to allow our lawyer to get reimbursement for her work on the case and a few other technical things.  Still, it's one step closer and that is exciting.

In Indiana, lawyers can be reimbursed up to $1500 for completing an adoption.  The lawyer we are using, and most others according to our caseworker, won't charge families any more than the $1500.  So, that means we won't have any cost associated with this adoption.  So many people I have talked to say they can't consider adoption because of the cost, but I can say, cost isn't an issue with foster-to-adopt situations.

We have had some other nerve-racking developments this week.  I got a call from the caseworker saying that she has discovered some issues with the situation with G and his dad.  G is Alexander's half brother (same mom, different dads).  He was with us from the time he was a bruised up 6 month old until he was an ornery 21 month old.  He was able to be reunited with his dad last May.  I was nervous about him leaving, but I felt good about it overall.  When I got that call, saying the placement with dad might not be working, my heart sank.  A part of me was excited to have G back with us, but a big part of me was dreading the thought of all those visits with dad starting from the beginning again.  I was ok to say goodbye to G last May, but I'm not sure how I would feel to say goodbye again.  Plus, I would worry about how it would affect Alexander and the girls to have G with us only to leave again.  I have said a few times that it isn't as hard as you would think to tell a foster child goodbye, but that doesn't mean it's easy!  It's harder on the kids I think, they just aren't able to understand all that's going on well enough.  Plus, it's hard for kids to see what is best for someone in the long run vs what's easiest for them in the moment.  But, even with all that, I would still take him back in a heart beat if he has to be removed again.  The caseworker told me this evening that she is really hoping to not have to remove G.  She said even if it comes down to the grandparents taking guardianship for a time while the dad gets himself together again, she will do that.

I'm not sure where W's case is going.  We were to the point where the caseworker was going to file termination on the mom next month, which would be 15 months and the point where the state says termination has to be filed.  But, the mom has been passing drug tests for the past 2 months.  At this point, if she continues to pass screens, the case will continue and the mom will still progress toward getting W home.  I'm not sure how to feel about this.  I have always said I like this mom, and I still do.  But this has gone on so long that I'm not sure what would happen if W went home.  His mom is capable of being a great mom.  But, I'm not confident in her being able to keep on the right track once the support DCS is giving her is gone.  Right now, she is being drug screened weekly and knows that the screens will continue and if she fails one now, this case is basically over.  She is getting counseling a couple of times a week.  She is getting help with transportation to appointments, to the store, to the library to apply for jobs (the visit supervisor takes her places during visits which I'm not really on board with).  We provide everything W needs on a day to day basis including food, clothes, a bed, daycare, going to appointments and therapy.  Can she manage everything on her own? I don't know.  I know she has been a victim of domestic violence, and that is not something to take lightly.  I am so glad she is not in a bad relationship anymore, at least she says she isn't in a relationship.  But, I just can't trust that she will stay around the right people, people who will support her and W, help her when she needs it, keep W safe.  She lost custody of her daughter a few years ago because she wasn't able to make the right decisions to keep her daughter safe.  Maybe she learned her lesson from all that.  Maybe she has gotten valuable help from all the counseling she has had in the last year.  But, I'm scared to put W into a situation with so many risks.  Of course, this is part of foster care.  DCS's job is to get kids home, even if us foster parents aren't 100% comfortable with things.  I know I don't have a very objective view of all this and I am biased in this situation, but that doesn't make this any easier!  I'm just going to keep taking care of W and try to follow my instincts about my feelings toward his mom and what she is capable of.  Maybe she is ready to be a mom.  And if I know, or at least am pretty sure that she can do this, I'm ok with letting W go.

"No, I mean MY mommy"

I haven't figured out exactly how to react (or feel) when Alexander tells me he is talking about his "other" mommy.  He doesn't do it very often.  And it is usually when he is pretending with his toys that I hear him say it.  This pretend play usually involves his half brother too.  I think he puts the two of them together in his mind.  Probably because the only place he has seen either one of them lately has been at his visits, and they were together then.  The other day, he had his cars and was driving them around as they were talking to one another.  He didn't really say much, just stuff like "Hi mommy. Hi Bubby".   The first time he said "hi mommy", I answered him.  He responded with " no, not you".

I know he has a past, despite the fact that I would like to think his life started when he walked through our door.  And I know this pretend play is his way of dealing with some of the stuff he has been through, which is a good thing.  Still, a part of me feels pretty bad when I hear him talking to his mom.  Yes, I want to be the one he thinks of as "mom".  But that isn't really the part that bothers me.  I know he looks to me when he needs a "mom". And I know he loves me, and the rest of us too.  The part that is upsetting to me is the fact that he would want to talk to his mom.  He has never had a healthy relationship with her.  She has expressed that she never wanted him and has never made any qualms about saying so.  Why would he want to play with her.  I can understand pretending to tell her off, that would feel healthy to me!  But he talks in a nice, casual way when he pretends to talk to her.  I guess I don't want him having a fanticized image of his mom as he grows up.  I don't want him to get older and resent me for keeping him from his mom, or the mom he has built up in his mind.

I haven't said anything about his mom to him, good or bad.  I think I have needed a break from thinking about everything for a little bit. It has been such a relief since the visits have stopped.  

But that brings up another thing that has surprised me.  Alexander has asked me a couple of times if it is time for his visit.  When I say no, we aren't going to a visit today, he responds with "yes, I am".  That's another mystery to me.  The visits were terrible.  Alexander was miserable and acted out for
days afterward.  Why would he ask to go back?  He should be singing praises that he doesn't have to go back ever again.  That's what I have been doing!  But, I guess that's why it's called a learning experience, if things went like I thought they would, there would be no learning going on.  I have always said I like learning, maybe that statement is coming back to bite me now.  

 Our adoption attorney has said she thinks Alexander's adoption should be finished by the end of the year. That is pretty exciting news. But, as I have learned from all this, finalizing this adoption will be a much bigger deal to me than it is to him!

Enjoying things

We have been enjoying our new home and just each other lately.  It feels like we can finally relax since court last week.  I have been sure Alexander would stay with us, but not knowing for 100% sure has been stressful.  Now if W's case will get wrapped up, we can finally be just a family. 

Being foster parents has been a good experience, and I'm glad we did it. It has been stressful and crazy, but its what brought us to our kids.  I would do it again in a heartbeat.  But, I'm ready for this chapter of our family's life to be over.

I'm ready to be a regular family with regular parents who don't have to share their kids with anyone else.  I'm ready to be done with visitation.  I'm ready to be done cleaning the house like crazy because a caseworker is coming only to find out the caseworker has had something come up and will come another day instead.  I'm tired of trying to keep my feelings in check for my kids so I can deal with it if they need to leave our family.  I'm ready for the girls to have some stability in their life and not have to think or worry about what is going on in the foster kids' cases.  I'm ready to close this chapter and start the next one.

And-- I'm ready to share pictures of these adorable boys with the world!

Relief-----

That's what I feel today, relief.  We went to court for Z today, now to be known as Alexander.  This was the final hearing in the process to terminate his parents' rights (also called a "TPR" hearing).  These hearings can be lengthy, we were told the last one took 10 hours.  So when we went into court, we were expecting it to last all afternoon and probably stretch into another day.

In preparation for today, I met with the lawyer representing DCS last week.  He went over the things he was going to ask me about: how Alexander has been acting after visits, how he is so much better a few days later, his overall behavior at home in comparison to his behavior during visits, etc.  I have been so stressed about this court date.  The lawyer reassured us that his case was strong and he had more than enough evidence to get TPR granted.  That did make me feel better, but when you are dealing with the fate of your child, being pretty sure doesn't cut it.  


So to say that we were nervous going into today's events would be an understatement.  


We all got there pretty early so we were waiting in the hall for several minutes.  The mom sat down the hall from us.  She seemed pretty much like her usual self.  She didn't talk to anyone besides her mom and she shot us some nasty looks from time to time.  We sat and talked with G's dad about how things were going with them.  


And then the dad came in.  We haven't seen Alexander's dad since that day he met with us in the park and told us he was going to sign his rights over so we could adopt Alexander.   He sat next to Nathan and talked with us for a while.  Pretty soon the caseworker came by and took him into a meeting room.  When I looked up, the mom was also being taken into a meeting room by her lawyer.  


Pretty soon it was time to go into court.  We took our places and waited for the judge to come in.  I don't know why being in that room makes me so nervous, but it does.  I think it has to do with the fact that one person has great power over the fate of our family.  


Anyway, court began and Nathan and I were prepared to be sitting there for the long haul.  We were as ready as we could be to hear all the gorry details about Alexander's past that would serve as evidence of why TPR needed to be granted.  We knew it was going to be painful to listen to, but it is a part of this process.  


They started with a scheduled review of the case.  Everyone was in agreement that G is doing well with his dad and that is where he needs to stay.  Then they moved on to Alexander's portion of the case.  The DCS lawyer talked first.  He stated that both parents had signed voluntary termination of rights paperwork today and that would be discussed further after the review portion of the hearing.  I don't know why court proceedings have to be so complicated, but they are!  So, the judge ruled that all services the mom and dad were receiving in respect to Alexander were suspended permanently and the review hearing was over.  G's dad was dismissed at that time and the TPR portion of the hearing began. 


Except, it wasn't really a TPR hearing anymore.  Because the parents had both voluntarily signed the paperwork, DCS didn't need to present the overwhelming evidence they had prepared and we didn't have to sit through it.  


It was overwhelming really.  I just couldn't believe this was all going to be over when we left that courthouse today.  The judge went though a lot of questions with both parents.  He explained to them about what voluntary and involuntary terminaton of parental rights means and had them state if they understood.  He explained that since they had signed these papers, they no longer had any rights or responsibilities regarding Alexander, they would not be responsible for paying support, they were not entitled to visitation or any type of custody.  Both said they understood.  Then he asked them if they had been persuaded by anyone or offered any type of compensation for signing the papers.  Of course both said no.  Then, he closed by telling the parents that he felt they had both made a good decision that he felt was in the child's best interest.  And he wanted them to take this as an opportunity to focus on the other responsibilities the parents have in their lives.  At that point, court was dismissed.  The judge looked at me then with a smile and nodded to me.  He was telling me in that little gesture that he knew Alexander was going to be a permenant part of our family. It was a neat thing.


Then the emotions started flowing!  The mom had been crying off and on during the hearing, and when I lookd over at the CASA at one point, I thought she might be on the verge of tears.  I had kept it together though, not that I wasn't feeling emotional.  Then, after the judge left, the mom came over to us.  I didn't see her come over until Nathan got my attention.  She was crying again.  She hugged me and told me to take care of Alexander.  I hugged her back and I couldn't hold back the tears any longer.  I told her of course we would, and that we were crazy about him.  I think I also said something along the lines of "you did the right thing, you did good", but now, I can't really remember what all I said.  But I hope I did say something like that.  The dad came over and hugged us too.  And then of course the CASA.  Even the mom's lawyer came over to hug me--that was shocking!        


We stuck around and asked some technical questions.  The DCS lawyer told us there would be 30  days that the parents could legally change their decision, but all those questions the judge asked them  were to prevent them from being able to change their minds.  He said our adoption attorney should be getting things in order so once that 30 days are over, the adoption can be finalized soon.  It should all be a quick and painless process from here on out.  Relief, big time relief.  Thank goodness.