The end is near......

It's funny, but the end of both our boys' cases could happen really soon, and really close together. Z's case technically started in February 2011 and W's started in July 2011, but both appear to be wrapping up.

We have had the initial hearing for termination of parental rights for Z's parents. Nothing happened at that hearing besides the judge reading the case numbers, who was present, then he scheduled the fact finding hearing. Z's dad didn't show up, which I can't blame him, the judge made it sound like he didn't need to come to any more hearings the last time we were at court. But it turns out he hasn't actually signed any paperwork yet. DCS has tried to send it to him several times but he always refuses the package. It won't matter in the end whether or not he signs it, but it could drag our adoption processs out longer if he doesn't. The fact finding hearing is at the first of next month (unless it gets continued like all the other court dates have). At that hearing, DCS will present all the evidence they have as to why Z's mom should loose her parental rights. They have all assured me that this is an "open and shut case" and they have no doubt rights will be terminated, but it still makes me nervous. I can't bare to think about this going on longer, me having to take Z to more visits, or anything else coming along to delay us adopting Z. Or, heaven forbid, us not being able to adopt him at all. So, we are waiting on egg shells for that final hearing. I hope hope hope it happens as scheduled. It's time for this to be over so we all can move on, especially Z.

On W's front, the caseworker and the CASA are recommending we adopt W. The caseworker is still willing to consider a family placement though. In fact, I think she is supposed to meet with the family I mentioned a couple of posts ago, the one where the husband is in law enforcement (turns out he is a guard at a jail). The only things I have found out about them is that the wife works with special needs kids and they have a three year old son. They could be a good option, the only thing is, this case has been going on for a year, where have they been all this time?

We go to court next week for this case. I'm hoping something is decided. We have went back and forth so many times on this case, it has been exhausting. When we picked W up, I was sure he would be ours forever based on the circumstances. Then I met the mom and was sure he would, and should, go home with her. Then the mom began to show me she couldn't take care of him and I thought he would stay with us. Then the aunt came into the picture and I was sure he would be going with her. Then this other family member popped up and they may still be a good option. Meanwhile the CASA is telling me she feeels like W needs to stay with us. It has been crazy. Right now, I really don't know what to think. I love W like crazy, but I will be ok if he needs to leave us.

The other day I was thinking, how can I be ok with W leaving but I'm not ok with even the thought of Z leaving? I have been thinking about that a lot lately. I love both of them equally, I think of both of them as my kids, but I still see things differently with them. I think I have come up with the reason, maybe.

First I thought it was because I went into Z's case with the knowledge that everyone wanted him in our home as more of a pre-adoptive placement vs a foster placement (yes "pre-adoptive" is a real term). But then I go back to when W came, I was sure he would be adopted by us too. So that isn't really it. I think the reason I see these two cases so differently is because of all the other people involved, family members wise. Z has a lot of family but I don't trust that any of them have ever had Z's best interest in mind. For the life of me I can't figure this out, but no one has really ever wanted Z. His mom resented him because all she could see in him was his dad (who she hates with a passion). His dad saw him as another mouth to feed and he could barely feed the ones he already had. I don't know what his grandparents saw him as, but we know they were abusive to him, both sets of grandparents. So, no one has ever treasured this sweet boy like every kid deserves to be treasured. No one has ever loved him for who he is, they have only been able to see those things in him which they despise. And, how can they blame a child for who he looks like or for just being a kid, those things aren't his fault.

But in W's case, the only person who has been unkind toward him is his dad. His mom loves him, his aunt wants him in her family, he has a teenage half sister who is crazy about him. He could be surrounded by a loving family if things had just went a little differently. That is the difference. I am afraid if we do adopt W, there will always be a part of me that feels guilty for taking this baby away from so many people who have wanted him and have treasured him. I know it isn't physically me that is the one taking him away, and I know that his mom and his aunt had the ability to end this case with W in their homes and families but their decisions and actions proved to not be in W's best interest. But I know I will still feel some responsibility. With Z, I hope he never sees some of his "family" again. I think his life will be better if his mom walks away after that last visit and never looks back. But I don't feel that way at all with W. That is the difference. I'm not sure how we will work things out if we are able to adopt W so he can have a relationship with some of his family, but we are going to have to figure something out because there are a few people that I believe he will be better off knowing. But with Z, we will be the only family he needs. He will not benefit in any way by having his mom in his life, and I'm starting to think not his dad either.

This has all been so hard sometimes. I don't regret any of it though. We have needed these kids as much as they have needed us. We have all learned from them and from this experience. Still, I'm hoping the end is near.

This could get mushy.....

I just love my family! 

We have been so busy for the past few months with house building stuff, that we just haven't had two seconds to spend all together.  Nathan has been working at the house from 6 am until he can't move any longer every day that he isn't at work, and after work on most work days.  Meanwhile, I have been at home taking care of things here, making suppers, getting baths done, doing laundry, and putting everyone to bed.  Then, packing when I can so it won't be so much to do all at once. 

Nathan and Dad finished up the perimeter drain they have been working on the past several days at about 10:30 this morning. --Nathan left the house before 6 this morning, I think, I wasn't exactly awake.  But since he was getting home so early in the day, we decided to go somewhere for the rest of the day.  When I said Daddy was coming home so we could go somewhere, you would have thought it was the first time we had ever done something together.  The girls packed up all kinds of things to do in the car.  Mr. Z kept saying, "I want Daddy to go too".  When I told him we were all going, he didn't seem to comprehend what I was talking about.  I think this day together was LONG overdue.

So, we headed to IKEA.  We are pretty sure its ok to take foster kids out of state for the day.  At first we were under the impression we couldn't without permission, but then someone (I think Sarah) said we could go for the day, so we took that as good enough and haven't asked for clarification since!  Even though the only thing we had on the agenda was picking up some things for the house, we all had so much fun. 

We stopped at Wendy's for some lunch to go.  Then, we ran into Home Depot to pick up a tarp to cover up our IKEA finds.  We don't have a Home Depot close to us, so we rarely are there, but they have the neatest carts!  There was one shaped like a truck with a spot for the boys to sit with steering wheels so they could drive.  I didn't think Z was going to get out.  W liked it too.  We got about 5 minutes away when Nathan said, "Did you get the stuff out of the cart?!"  Of course I hadn't, I was loading up W, and he didn't, he was loading up Z.  Plus it was raining a little so we were hurrying to get into the car.  He turned around and hurried back.  It wasn't hard to spot our cart, it was still in the parking lot and it was shaped like a giant orange truck.  Sure enough it was empty.  Not only had the tarp we just bought been in there, but my diaper bag was in there too.  So, Nathan went in to see if anyone had turned it in.  No one had.  Poor W had to get through the day with un-thickened formula (thankfully I had formula in the car), but it was in the same bottle I just kept rinsing out.  It won't hurt a kid to drink the wrong consistency of formula from a somewhat dirty bottle, right?

Finally, we made it to IKEA.  The girls loved helping to pick things, especially when something was for their room.  Z looked all over that store like he had never been in such a place.  When we were looking at the rugs, he kept walking in between them and then popping back out, giggling the whole time.  When we were leaving, Addison decided it must be supper time, so Hannah quickly suggested we eat at Cracker Barrel.  I don't know why they love that place so much.  But all the kids did great.  Z told us when he had to potty, he is learning that we react pretty quick when he says those magic words; "I've got to potty!".  W did great today.  He rode in the stroller all through the store and never cried the entire time in the car.  Hannah was a great help in the baby entertainment department too.  The girls even were on hiatis from arguing today.  The only time they got in trouble was when they were having a little too much fun and were so loud in the car, we couldn't stand it any more.

So, we had a fun day.  And I love my family!

Whoa! I want off for a few minutes!!

This foster care roller coaster has been on over drive lately and it's getting a bit old. I talked to W's caseworker yesterday and she let me know she is still planning to place W with his aunt (the dad's sister).  She wants the aunt to start coming to visits when he visits with his mom so a bond can be formed between W and his aunt.  After two weeks, she wants the aunt to start her own visits and reduce the time and frequency of the mom's visits so W can transition into his aunt's home.  The caseworker expects W could be with his aunt full time within 6 weeks to two months tops.  I'm not sure how I feel about this plan, but my opinion doesn't pull any weight in these things, so it doesn't matter how I feel really.  

Then I talked to the CASA and she told me she wasn't comfortable with the aunt.  She felt like if the aunt truly wanted W, she would have found a way to be involved in this process.  Really, she hasn't expressed she wants W since the judge said no at the very beginning.  Plus, there is the issue of her age.  She is into her 60's and taking on a baby to raise on her own could be too much for her. 

So, as of yesterday, I was pretty sure W would be going to his aunt's soon.  Because, ultimately, it comes down to what the caseworker believes is best even though the CASA disagrees.   But, with the judge on this case, who knows.  He changed the plan to termination at the last hearing without the caseworker recommending it.  So who knows.

Then another roller coaster ride came along.  The CASA called me to let me know the meeting with the dad didn't happen yesterday because he wasn't able to "figure out the bus schedule" to get there.  But she is submitting a request to the court that visits between W and his dad never happen.  She also wanted to tell me she is submitting her report which says her recommendation is for W to be adopted by us.  I was pretty excited to hear that.  Again, her report is just a recommendation, but still. 

I was about to call Nathan to relay this to him when my phone rang again.  It was the CASA again.  She had just gotten an email from the caseworker saying a family member had come forward and said they are interested in having W.  This is a family member from the dad's side.  They live about 2 hours away.  The man works in law enforcement and I don't know about the lady. 

Geese, couldn't we have an hour on the same path before someone threw the switch on the tracks?! 

The CASA apologized for giving me two completely different scenarios in such a short time.  I was a bit taken aback by this new development, but its not something she needed to apologize about.   I told her we knew this was an uncertain road we were traveling.  And, yes, we would love to adopt W.  We love him already and he has been a part of our family since he was a tiny baby.  But because we love him, we want what is best for him.  Until I know more about this new family, being with us is what I feel is best.  But who knows, this family may be great.  The fact that the man is a police officer makes me feel better.  I have worried that the aunt wouldn't be able to keep W safe if the dad came by and decided he was taking him. 

So, now we have no idea what to expect from this whole situation.   Maybe we will know more tomorrow.  Or maybe tomorrow will bring something new!

Feeling the stress!

I have said several times how foster care is so unpredictable and never goes how we expect. Today was no exception!
We have had W with us for more than 10 months now.  Throughout this entire time, everything has been about his mom and whether she can take care him.  --Which has been a roller coaster in itself-- But the dad has not been discussed much because its cut and dry with him, he broke four of W's ribs at two different times, has a violent history, and he has been in jail and not around to be on anyone's radar.  Well, he was released from prison last week.  The caseworker contacted him and he said over and over he is "willing to do whatever it takes to get his son".  Because he said that, DCS is obligated to offer him services.

Services can include anger management classes, parenting classes, counseling, and/or visitation. Visitation is the one that's getting me. How can anyone allow this man to visit with any child, let alone W.  I don't know that visits will happen but it is a possibility.

I just got off the phone with the CASA and she's strongly against visits. She also feels vists with the mom need to be greatly reduced.  She also doesn't feel like the aunt is the best place for W either.  --Basically, she feels like this case has gone on long enough, the parents have already proved they aren't parent material, and W needs to be in a good permanent home ASAP.  I have to say I agree with her.  I am so thankful for CASAs! 

So, we still know nothing.  W could be starting visits with his dad.  Visits with mom could be reduced.  Placement with the aunt may or may not still be on the table.  I don't know!  Frustrating!

With all of this uncertainty with W, I can't help but question things with Z.  I just can't imagine him leaving, but his case could still drag on for quite a while.  His mom is a pretty good actor and can really lay on the act when she knows it counts.  It scares me that she will do just enough that the judge may keep things going for a long time.  I know there is a case in the county that is fairly similar to Z's that is more than two years into it.  We are just over a year.  I can't imagine this going on another year.  Not just for my sanity (which would be in jeopardy!) But for Z's wellbeing.   Every week that goes by with another visit is one more obstacle he has to overcome.  Frustrating!

Its times like tonight that makes me look forward to us being able to cross the "foster" out of the title of this blog for a while.

Cruising along

Nothing major has happened over the past couple weeks.

We are adjusting to being a family of 6 after being a family of 7 for the past six months.   Who would have thought that it would be easier having 4 kids vs 5? ;)  Z has asked a few times where his brother is.  He is satisfied with my answer when I tell him G went to live with his dad.  He has seen G twice during visits with the mom, and I think that has helped.

As far as behaviors with Z, we are still seeing them for a few days after the visits.  I know all 2 year olds have temper tantrums, but these are constant and mostly only on the days following a visit.  The next court date for the termination hearing is June 14th -that will be the initial hearing- then the fact finding hearing will be August 3rd.  I'm not totally sure what all can/will happen during those hearings but we will find out soon.  Hopefully all of this will be coming to an end--and with the results we are hoping for.  I'm not sure what I would do if Z had to go back to his mom. I am 99.99% sure that would never happen, but with foster care, nothing is 100%.  I know she doesn't want him, she has said that many times.  And I believe he would be in danger if he was with her without supervision.  And, I am not the only one who feels this way so I believe that is something we will never have to worry about.   

As far as W, his mom has basically gotten to the point that she isn't going to be able to get W back into her care.  She has failed most of the drug screens she has been given.  She has been released from her drug counseling program because she missed too many appointments.  She is supposed to be calling to get into an inpatient program, but to my knowledge has not made that call yet.  I hope she hasn't given up because she doesn't think she can do this, but I believe that's probably what has happened.  The caseworker told me last week that she is going to talk to everyone involved about placing W with his paternal aunt.  This particular aunt has expressed several times that she wants W and she has been pretty upset that she hasn't gotten the chance to have him yet.  The main reason she doesn't have him is the first two times she asked, the judge said he "wasn't comfortable placing W with any part of that family".  At that point, the caseworker felt there was no point in pursuing that road.  But that wasn't necessarily because they felt like the aunt was a bad choice, but because its impossible to get something accomplished once the judge has made up his mind.   But now that so much time has passed and this aunt still wants W, and its looking like he won't be going home, the aunt might start looking a little better.

Another reason they are looking at the aunt again is because the caseworker believes a guardianship arrangement can be worked out.  We were asked if we would consider guardianship, but we said no.  Its not to the point that we would have been able to do that now, the caseworker just wanted to know if we would consider it if the situation came to that.  We said no for several reasons.  A guardianship is not a permanent arrangement.  At any point, the mom could get herself clean and go back to court and regain custody of W.  Not that we wouldn't want W to have the opportunity to go back to his mom, but if his mom kept her parental rights, it would feel like this case was never closed.  W would never have that sense of permanency that I think is important.   It just isn't a stress we are willing to volunteer for.  The aunt taking guardianship is a different story. It would be simpler for her.  So, we should know more about that in the next few weeks.  Its possible she would be granted placement in a few weeks. 

What would we do as a family of 5?!

Here is a picture of everyone helping with the installation of our new septic tanks.  Exciting huh?

It didn't go like we expected, but ....

We did have our court date on Monday.  We expected both Z's parents to sign over their parental rights, because both had said that's what they wanted.

Z's dad had asked to meet with us before court to talk some things over with us.  We were both pretty nervous about that meeting.  I had no idea what he was going to say to us, and there is always that little part of me that was afraid he was going to say he had changed his mind.  While we were waiting for him, Nathan and I sat and wondered how this would go.  He was several minutes late, so we had just about given up on him when he pulled up.  Neither of us had seen him since Z had been placed with us last November.  He had been granted weekend visitation, but had not seen Z once since this started.  He walked up and shook Nathan's hand and said hello to me.  We all sat down and he explained why he wanted to see us.

He said he knew we wanted to adopt Z and that is what he wanted too.  He wanted us to know he still loved his son, and always would, but he knew we were the ones who should raise him and be his parents.   He said that when Z went into foster care, he wanted to be sure he came to us and he would have fought to get him to us.  He explained a little about why he couldn't be a parent to Z, and it all made sense to us.  He was honest and sincere, which was good to hear.  The last thing he said was, he wanted Nathan to promise to be a good dad to Z, because Z deserved that. That's when I lost it and cried!  Nathan promised, and I told him that Nathan is a good dad.  He said he wanted us to know, he would always be Z's father, but from this point on, Nathan is his dad.  It was the most tear jerking thing I have ever been through!  But, it made us feel better to have an explanation from him and now we have something we can share with Z some day about his birth father.  Plus, I will feel better knowing that Z's dad is happy with where he is and knows he is in the best place for him.  So, the paperwork isn't actually signed yet, but our lawyer is working with DCS to get everything to Z's dad to get completed.  It will be done soon.

The part that didn't go as planned came when it got to the mom. She had said a few times that she wanted to sign her rights over so we could adopt Z, and had even tried to do it twice but technicalities came up that kept her from signing.  Once we got into court, it was a whole different thing.  She had changed her mind and was not going to sign.  She claimed she had been influenced by DCS to say she wanted to sign over rights.  It was ridiculous.   The judge obviously wasn't buying the story.  Everyone gave their reports and recommendations, all saying Z should stop visits with his mom because they are harmful to him and rights should be terminated. 
Here's the really shocking part--- despite all these reports, the judge ordered that visits continue.  I couldn't believe what he was saying.  How could he contradict what all of these people were saying and put Z through further trauma unnecessarily?  We were both pretty upset about it.  The caseworker called me about 30 minutes after we left to make sure I was ok, she knew I was not happy.

DCS is still filing termination paperwork on the mom.  So it will still happen, but as the CASA put it, "it will be ugly".  DCS will put together a case as to why rights need to be terminated and several witnesses will be called.  DCS has no shortage of witnesses in this either.  I don't think this mom has any idea of what she is about to put herself through. 

The judge approved the trial home placement to begin with G.  We will take him to his dad's tomorrow evening.  I am happy for them. G's dad and his girlfriend are excited to begin their life as a family with G. I think its going to work out and they will do well.  The only good thing about Z continuing visits with his mom, is G will also be at those visits.  So, Z will get a chance to see his brother on a regular basis, and, I will get to see him too.  It will make this transition a little easier on everyone I think. 

Monday will be a big day!!

This coming Monday will finally be our court date for the boys.  ---Barring any more continuances---  Big things will be happening that day.  The boys' mom is still saying she will sign papers that terminate her rights for Z and list us as the adoptive parents.  Z's dad finally returned DCS's calls and has said he will sign this same paperwork.  The caseworker told me last week that it was time for us to get an attorney for Z's adoption.  She gave me the name of one DCS uses a lot and Nathan gave her a call that day.  We filled out some forms and will know more about that process after Monday.  Technically, this could all be done in three months.  The court is required to wait three months before finalizing an adoption to give the parents a chance to change their minds about terminating their rights.  So, we have to wait at least 3 months.  But as long as we can get a court date fairly quickly, it shouldn't be much longer than that I don't think.  We have picked a sort of new name for our little guy, I will let you know more about that after court.  I think I can post some pictures after court too. 

Also on Monday, DCS will be asking for G's trial home visit to start.  The caseworker said she is planning to send G to his dad's next weekend and then he will stay there from that point on.  I'm a little nervous about this, but excited too.  G's dad is so excited, I can't help but be happy for him.  I talked to him on the phone today and told him I was going to be sad to see G leave, but I'm happy with where he's going.  He again reassured me that he wants G to see his brother, so we won't be rid of him completely.  That does make me feel better.

So, that is a lot to happen in one day.  We will essentially be gaining a son on the same day as we lose one.  It won't be as dramatic as that though.  It will be a happy day for us. 

As far as W's case, its going no where.  His mom continues to let us all down.  She has failed a few more drug tests.  I was talking with the caseworker for his case this week and we both agreed that something seems different with this mom.   She is still loving and good with W, but she seems to have a different attitude.  She hasn't been going to appointments with me, she doesn't make comments like "I am going to do whatever it takes to get him home" like she was before.  She hasn't been the least bit emotional when someone reminds her that her time to get W back is running out.  At the last court hearing, the judge changed her permanency plan from "reunification" to "termination" and she didn't react at all.  She seems checked out from the situation.  I don't think its because she doesn't want her baby, I think its because she knows she can't, or won't, do the things she must do to get him home.  She isn't keeping herself clean and she doesn't seem to be terribly motivated to make any changes.  We have talked with the caseworker and the CASA about the possibility of us adopting W if it does come to terminating his mom's rights.  Both agree this would be a good place for him.  So, that may be in our future, who knows? 

For now, we are pretty focused on successfully getting G with his dad and getting Z to be a permanent fixture in our family.  If foster care is nothing else, its always changing and never in the way you expected.